Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

So one day, little johnny, one of those thug kids, ya know, and his two buddies, were walking around school, skipping class. Suddenly, by the stairs, they see their teacher, Mrs. Watson fall, she was wearing a skirt and layed sprawled on the floor. Little Johnny and his friends just gaped, being that the teacher didnt have any underwear on. The principal, who was walking by, realized this, and brought all three kids to his office. Alright little brats he said, how much skin do you see on Mrs. Watson when she fell? The principal looked at the first friend, who replied, well, just up to her ankle, the principal, infuriated, said, your expelled for 2 months. And you? the principal asked Johnny's second friend, how much did you see? Well, the lil boy said, just up to her knee, the raging principal screamed, your expelled for 8 months! Lastly, he looked at little Johnny, and asked, How much did you see? To which little Johnny replied, well, I guess I wont ever see YOU again...

2007-05-05 10:05:43 · 7 answers · asked by make_it 2

just anything im bored

2007-05-05 09:51:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give us some milk and we can make some mash!

2007-05-05 09:46:53 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-05 09:45:34 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Paul went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided
that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well
Paul, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy
you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for
one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He
finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,
Paul

Now, Paul knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he
ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Your Truly,
Paul

Well, Paul knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried
again.

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?


Yours

Paul


Well, Paul looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his
mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of
almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and
went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the
way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally
found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Paul went inside and knelt
down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Paul finally got
up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of
a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it
under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,
You know who

2007-05-05 09:36:05 · 54 answers · asked by Tink 5

Unsramble these wildlife animals:
peeantlh
cornoershi
telutyrbf
rccitke
kocahrocc
rfiafeg

2007-05-05 09:02:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What can go around the world and stay in a corner?

2007-05-05 08:59:51 · 9 answers · asked by toaster9795 3

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview

The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, trusting. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "I can't do it"

The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said the same thing. The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "I cant," he said.

The last man came into the office. The interviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and trusting. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks so i had to beat her to death with the curtain railing, so, do i get the job?"

2007-05-05 08:51:35 · 17 answers · asked by ceesteris 6

This fragile brume
The ghost of fire
A distinct scent
For such an indistinct effluvium

10 points to whoever gets me a reasonable answer!

2007-05-05 08:48:35 · 7 answers · asked by ♥cняísтíиα 4

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up to the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutter -
"Pizza delivery guy".

2007-05-05 08:46:44 · 40 answers · asked by Tink 5

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

"So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly. "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

2007-05-05 08:43:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have cleaned bathrooms before and I notice that the mans
bathroom has only 2-sit down toilets
in just about every mans bathroom I have cleaned it is
only 2 toilets to sit down on and the rest are those pee pee
toilets I do not understand them

And now you tell me why this is 2-toilets for sitting on? he he

2007-05-05 08:41:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry to those who heard this last time but I put it on for those who missed it.....

There was this man who died & because he'd been very bad he went straight to Hell.
When he got there, the Devil showed him around
"Now listen" the Devil told him "You've been pretty evil throughout your life but I'm going to give you a choice"
He showed him three rooms.
"You have a choice of any one of these rooms to spend eternity in".............

2007-05-05 08:38:06 · 45 answers · asked by pink.jazzz 3

A house has 6 stories, each the same height. How many times as long is the ascent to the sixth floor as the ascent to the third floor.

2007-05-05 08:37:02 · 6 answers · asked by klzplaya 1

9



Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Today and Yesterday

2007-05-05 08:09:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an Englishman, Scotsman & Irishman talking together in the pub
The Englishman said "My son was born on Saint George's day so we called him George"
What a coincidence said the Scotsman "My son was born on Saint Andrew's day so we called him Andrew"
"Wow", said the Irishman "I can't wait till I get home and tell Pancake!"

2007-05-05 08:00:47 · 42 answers · asked by pink.jazzz 3

An Irish man an Aussie and Scouser in a pub. The 3 men see a man sitting at table who looks like Jesus, so they send him over 3 pints, 1 lager 1 Guinness, and 1 bitter. Later the man comes over to thank them, he shakes hands with the paddy who is instantly cured of this arthritis, and he shakes hands with the Aussie who instantly cured of his bad back, the Scouser shouts “DON’T YOU F***ING TOUCH ME IM ON DISABILITY BENEFIT”!



star if you liked it. many thanks.

2007-05-05 07:37:44 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

2007-05-05 07:28:55 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-05 04:43:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A magician runs into a hospital and asks at the reception where his assistant is?

The woman at the reception answers 'She's in wards A1 and A2!'

2007-05-05 03:43:00 · 41 answers · asked by jon h 6

threw anothers point of view

2007-05-05 03:21:29 · 5 answers · asked by And i heard as it were a thunder 6

ive got a joke i heard the other day. give it a star if you like it.

there was this guy who wanted to go on an expedition, so he hired a german, an italian, and a chinese guy. The german was in charge of transportation, the italian was in charge of food, and the chinese guy was in charge of supplies. The german brought four trucks, the italian brought a buffet and everybody was fed, but the chinese guy was nowhere to be found. After hours of looking the chinese guy popped out from behind a box and yelled "supplies"

2007-05-05 02:35:56 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

someone had written in the dirt 'cleaned by the NHS!'

2007-05-05 02:02:47 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

first one to answer gets the points.

2007-05-05 00:52:32 · 10 answers · asked by Moose 6

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

2007-05-05 00:47:22 · 20 answers · asked by Meatball ;) 3

Did you know that Paddy thinks an itchyfannie is a Japanese motorbike.............What do you call a German Virgin..Lily Schnisentite..............

2007-05-04 23:59:33 · 11 answers · asked by Jim M 4

A man trained his dog to go around the corner to Bud's Lounge every day with two dollar bills under his collar to get a pack of cigarettes. Once the man only had a five, so he put it under the collar and sent the dog on his way.
An hour passed and the pooch still hadn't returned. So the man went to Bud's and found his dog sitting on a bar stool, drinking a beer. He said, " You've never done this before."
Replied the dog, " I never had the money before."

2007-05-04 23:12:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

:-) how r u today ?

2007-05-04 23:06:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous 3

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.


His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.


Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.


Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.


Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.


**************


Letter 1


Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.

I want a red one.

Your friend,

Bobby


**************


Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,

So he tore up the letter and started over.


**************


Letter 2


Dear God,


This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like

A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.


Your friend,

Bobby


**************


Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.


**************


Letter 3


Dear God,


I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.


Bobby


**************


Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.


**************


Letter 4


God,


I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.

I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,


Bobby


**************


Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.



Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.


Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.

Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.



Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.


He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.


He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.


Bobby began to write his letter to God.


**************


Letter 5


God,


I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!


**************

2007-05-04 20:53:35 · 34 answers · asked by vijay m Indian Lawyer 7

i will tell you later

2007-05-04 20:34:29 · 19 answers · asked by mskirbyrobot 3