Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed .. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

2007-05-06 11:26:01 · 26 answers · asked by Angela G 4

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs
to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL
500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the
title, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the
bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

STAR if you liked it!!

2007-05-06 11:20:39 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

2007-05-06 11:15:38 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-06 11:05:39 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did ya? Don't lie.

2007-05-06 11:02:55 · 2 answers · asked by yaypoolparty 1

Once upon a time, and far, far away, lived a beautiful Queen with
voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his
desire would be death should he try to touch them.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the
Dragon Slayer to more than just satisfy his desire, but it would cost
him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special
saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and
that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer
would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote
for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the
next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and
magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer
left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have
cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report
this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned
Nick the Dragon Slayer!!

The moral of the story - Pay your bills!!!.

2007-05-06 10:53:29 · 21 answers · asked by Angela G 4

2007-05-06 10:46:28 · 6 answers · asked by racer 51 7

The wife takes her hubby to the Docs. After his check- up,the Doc calls the wife into the office for a private word.
"If you don,t follow my instructions your husband will surely die," said the Doc.
1." Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner,prepare him an especially good meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores, this may make his day hard.
6. Don't discuss any problems with him.
7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the hubby asks his wife what the Doc had said to her.

"You're going to DIE," she replied.

2007-05-06 10:43:31 · 14 answers · asked by raybbies 5

Walks into a bar and tells the chinese bartender he would like a coke. The bartender then makes his coke and gives it to the cowboy. The cowboy took a drink of his coke and said " What did you do to my coke??!!" The chinese man then said " Me chinese me no joke me pee pee in cowboy coke" The cowboy was furious.. and he said " Me cowboy me hate grass me stick bullet up your a**."

What'cha think?

2007-05-06 10:42:48 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket.
Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.
As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.

2007-05-06 10:39:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Clubber's in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy into there mouths.

This dangerous practice is now known as "E by gum".

2007-05-06 10:05:43 · 32 answers · asked by raybbies 5

Why is a woman like a KFC? By the time you’ve finished with the breast and thighs, all that’s left is a greasy box to put your bone in!!

2007-05-06 10:03:40 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that
moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes
later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and
into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered , "BP."

2007-05-06 09:50:46 · 20 answers · asked by raybbies 5

Father O conner keeps chickens behind the church in a coop. one sunday he goes to feed them and finds the ****´s gone missing. He knows about the **** fighting in the village, so at mass he questions the congregation.
"has anybody got a ****" all the men stand up.
"No No i meant has anybody seen a ****" all the women stand up.
"No No No thats not what i meant either, i meant has anyone seen my ****"
16 Altar boys, 2 Priests and a goat stood up

2007-05-06 09:44:38 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
'Oh dear,' said the Queen, 'How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.'
'It's quite understandable,' said the archbishop, and after a moment added, 'as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse. '

2007-05-06 09:43:17 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife were sitting in church and the priest was reading the story of adam and eve. the wife started to fall asleep in her seat so her husband poked her with a pen in her arm to wake her up, but the wife fell asleep again, and again the husband poked her in the arm. Then the priest said
"after they had had their 15th son, eve said to adam"
just as the wifes husband poked her in the arm and she said
"if you stick that thing in me one more time i swear i'll snap it in half and shove it up your hole!"

2007-05-06 09:34:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said,

"Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until

St. Peter says 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'

2007-05-06 08:48:06 · 20 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Guys many times your brains can decieve you...
Take a look at this image below..
http://img103.imageshack.us/img103/5870/hotillusionum5.jpg
you will notice two tick or bold lines. One on the inner curve of the wall and the other positioned on the other curve by the left.
Now which of the two bold lines are longer?
You can do anything to verify...

2007-05-06 08:43:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Do these pants make me look fat"?

2007-05-06 08:38:59 · 7 answers · asked by Commander 3

highway when all of a sudden she got pulled over by a cop. the cop said to the lady "mame you were speeding" and he continued to write her a ticket when the lady saw what was going on she said "i thought cops don't give tickets to beautiful blondes?" the officer replied "no we don't mame!"

2007-05-06 08:23:52 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a blonde walks into an appliance store and looks up on the first shelf and says to the manager, "I would like to buy that microwave." The manager says, "I am sorry lady but i don't sell appliances to blondes. The next day the blonde comes back with red hair and say to the manager,"I would like to buy that microwave up there on the top shelf." The manager says to the red headed blonde," I am sorry lady but I don't sell appliances to blondes." So the confused red headed blonde leaves and comes back the next day with black hair this time and says to the manager,"I would like to buy that microwave up there on the top shelf Please." The manager look at her and says,"Lady, I am sorry but I don't sell appliances to blondes and besides, that is a frigerator"

2007-05-06 08:21:39 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman tells her friend, "My husband is an angel."

Her friend replies, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

2007-05-06 08:13:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It’s great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

2007-05-06 08:07:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-06 07:08:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-06 03:24:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Top 10 ways to harass a telemarketer

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you are just about to file for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

2007-05-06 00:54:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-06 00:50:18 · 2 answers · asked by JJ 4

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006
( Maybe it should be in the Guiness Book ? )

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.
" She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

2007-05-06 00:34:03 · 10 answers · asked by littlegoober75 4

A truck driver was on his way to London Zoo with a holdful of penguins, when he broke down.
Concerned about his cargo, he flagged down another trucker and asked him to transport the animals for him.
After getting his own truck repaired, the first driver carried on to London to make sure they arrived safely. As he approached the park, he was amazed to see the other driver walking along the pavement with all the penguins flapping and tripping along behind him.
"You were supposed to take those penguins to the zoo!" shouted the first driver.
"I did," said the second. "Now we're going to the pictures."

Please star if you went he he ha ha.

2007-05-05 21:51:21 · 10 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife,

"Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."

"This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "It's started!"

2007-05-05 21:32:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous