Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

i mix red, yellow, violet, orange, blue, green & indigo together and make white....

what am i??

2007-05-08 04:24:53 · 19 answers · asked by alexandra 2

can anyone answer me this riddle please
I went into the woods and got it
i sat down to seek it
i went home because i couldent find it
what was it

2007-05-08 04:10:46 · 17 answers · asked by carolbeeston@aol.com 2

...she studied for a drug test.


Your mama is so fat, her favorite food is More.

Your mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her stomach lights up.


Best comeback= Best Answer= 10 points;)
make me laugh

2007-05-08 04:02:17 · 23 answers · asked by h8ucrazee 3

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued,

"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but nooooo, you had to go and eat someone they would miss!"

2007-05-08 03:44:42 · 8 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

My ring is firmly stuck around my finger,
I know I shouldn't have put It there, but I just wanted to see what it was like,

;-)

2007-05-08 02:22:57 · 20 answers · asked by BLING 4

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

2007-05-08 02:22:15 · 27 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

2007-05-08 02:05:10 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body ... you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite me without any guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy while you sucked me dry. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go. I will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear.

I won't rest until l squeeze all of your blood out.....

2007-05-08 01:53:45 · 9 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said " I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

2007-05-08 01:43:11 · 10 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

You might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if...
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
Ya think www. In a URL is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.
Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they need bail money.
Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.
Ya think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spit can.
Ya think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.


Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya play Frisbee with yer CD Rom's.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
When birds fly across yer screen ya reach for yer shotgun.
Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya call tech support an ask where at buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya give directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
Ya see the "shift" key and try at figure out how at change gears.
Ya see the word "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.

2007-05-07 23:13:39 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

hint: the answer is within the question.he he he

2007-05-07 21:02:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

You only get hard once
you only get laid once
you only get eaten once
and the only one who sits on your face is your mother

2007-05-07 21:02:21 · 21 answers · asked by ? 4

Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?"

"Senior, It's only sand." replies Jose.

"Sand??? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand.

Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border.

Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?"

"Sand," says Jose.

A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.

For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"

Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."

2007-05-07 20:50:01 · 22 answers · asked by ? 4

I suggest, every two females share one ruler to save both material and time.

2007-05-07 20:38:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-07 19:43:58 · 9 answers · asked by ? 6

Give a point if funny!

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!"

2007-05-07 17:12:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please name something that everyone has one, and there may be several of them in one family, but there are only slightly over 10 of them in the whole world ??

2007-05-07 17:00:55 · 19 answers · asked by missy 3

No they didn't whatcha expectin from here anyways superstitious freak?

lol :P

post some intelligent/smart.S comments on this topic (carmen something something) n u may get 10 points XD

2007-05-07 15:29:48 · 2 answers · asked by caroline 5

you know how in a letter some people write at he bottom p.s..., well i was just wondering what it stood for cuz it just crossed my mind

2007-05-07 14:42:05 · 35 answers · asked by chrity93 1

A king said to his slaves this riddle.......

As I was walking down the lane,
from the dead, a living came,
12 there was, and 6 they'll be,
tell me this riddle, and I'll set you free

1 slave got the answer and he was set free!!!

2007-05-07 14:37:00 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call a country where evry automobile is red?

A red carnation

2007-05-07 13:54:16 · 8 answers · asked by Commander 3

There was a nun, and a preist. And they go golfing. The priest swings at the ball with his club and misses. Then he says, "Oh crap I missed." Then the nun says, "Father, you should not say that word."

Then on the next hole he swings at the ball and misses. Then he says, "Oh crap, I missed." Then the nun says, Fater, do not say that word again!"

Then the next hole the priest swings at the ball and misses and he says, "Oh crap, I missed." Then the nun says, "Father, if you say that word again may the lord strike down on you!"

Then two holes later the priest swings at the ball and misses and he goes, "Oh crap, I missed."

Then you hear a clap of thunder, and you see the nun on the ground and you hear a voice that says...



"OH CRAP, I MISSED!"

2007-05-07 13:54:15 · 8 answers · asked by blah blah blah 2

you have 2 simliar coins, and we make one spin on the edge of the other. How many times does the spinning coin turn on itself each time it makes an entire lap around the stationary one?

2007-05-07 13:49:49 · 5 answers · asked by nvrland_believer 2

2007-05-07 13:44:59 · 5 answers · asked by Keith W 2

Little Johnny's chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

2007-05-07 13:43:02 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast. You wont know the house when you get home, 'cos we've moved.

Your Father has a lovely new job with 700 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery. There was a washing machine at the new house, but it's not working too good. Last week I put in 12 shirts, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since.

Your sister, Colleen had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you're an uncle or aunt.

Your Uncle Mick drowned last week in a vat of Whisky at the Dublin Distillery. His mates tried to save him, but he fought them off bravely. He was cremated and it took four days to put the fire out.

I saw the doctor last week and your Father went with me. Doc put a glass tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for five minuets. Your Father wanted to buy it from him. It only rained twice this week, first for four days the second for three days.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the final payment on your Grandmother's grave wasn't paid in seven days - up she comes.

Your loving Mother XXXX

P.S. I was going to send you 10 Punt, but I'd already sealed the envelope.

2007-05-07 13:40:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'."

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow'."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"

2007-05-07 13:37:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

No, these windows are ok to lean on.

Don’t worry it has airbags.

Hey what’s that buzzing noise?

Don’t worry its not that deep.

One time at band camp...

No, he doesn’t bite.

Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can pass this guy!

My brakes are fine.

Nice doggy.

I think it's trying to communicate...

"Homicidal Tendencies"?

Hey, you're Eminem, aren't you?

"Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital."

"It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du...".

"Don't touch the red button!"

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

It's fireproof.

What does this button do?

So, you're a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms. .

Don't be so superstitious.

What, I never signed any organ donor papers!

I know this great shortcut we can take.


lol Add more plz!

2007-05-07 13:27:53 · 13 answers · asked by kangaroo 4

Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you continue to read.








Keep Repeating Don't stop








Now think of an Animal that begins with that letter.








Repeat it out loud as you continue reading.








Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name.








Almost there........








Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.








Take the hand you FIRST counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level








Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.








Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?!








Of course not......








Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack yourself in the head, get back to WORK ,and quit playing stupid e-mail games!

GOT YA!

2007-05-07 13:26:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The Captain calmly replied "Vietnam."

2007-05-07 13:01:28 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4