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Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the riddle?

2007-05-09 02:03:36 · 10 answers · asked by Iris 1

...first bat goes to the female bat: if you sleep with me ill show you a way out of here...so she does...when she wakes up the next day she finds that the first bat is missing...
second bat goes to the female and tells her: ill tell you where th e first bat went if you sleep with me...she thinks why not and sleeps with him and the next day he is missing also...
the last bat goes to the female and says only you and me left in here but if you sleep with me ill tell you how everyone left this cave before we die with lack of food! so she agrees and then sleeps with him until she wakes up and finds out that she is alone in the cave....
HOW LADIES DID THE MALE BATS LEAVE THE CAVE?
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ANSWER:
IF YOU SLEEP WITH ME ILL TELL YOU!

2007-05-09 02:03:27 · 8 answers · asked by tae Kim 1

A blonde goes riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

2007-05-09 02:03:04 · 7 answers · asked by Ashley M 2

First one to guess my first name gets 10 points!!!! Clue it is a very spiritual and holy name assosicted with Holy Mary!! Remember Im Irish!!!!!!!

2007-05-09 02:02:42 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."

2007-05-09 01:57:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a girl from Azores,
Whose cu*t was all covered in sores,
the men who got pussed,
were desperate for lust,
and licked up what was left in her drawers.

;-)
roflmfao

2007-05-09 01:55:09 · 27 answers · asked by BLING 4

there was this little guy having a pint in his local, not bothering anyone just enjoying his lager. then this big massive guy walks in and fly kicks the little guy, he falls flat on his back " what the f(_)ck was that about he says" so the big guy leans over him and say's " that was a flying korean kick, all the way from korea" then walks out the pub. so the the wee fella goes back to his pint but the big guy comes back in about 5 mins later, he runs up to the wee guy and round house kicks him. again the wee guy is on his ar$e, the big guy leans over him and says " that was a judo kick, all the way from japan" then walks out. so the little guy is thinking " i've had anough of this " and tells the barman that he'll be back in a min, so the little guy comes back and the big guys at the bar so he runs over to him and BANG..... he knocks the guy clean out. so the big guy is sparkled so he tells the barman " see when he wakes up, tell him, that was a crowbar......all the way from B&Q!!!

2007-05-09 01:48:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bishop And The ***

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S *** SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S *** OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ***. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

2007-05-09 01:07:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because he was Out Standing in his field !!

2007-05-09 00:31:08 · 8 answers · asked by Fusion cultures 5

Bouncing Baby Boy Balls

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

2007-05-09 00:23:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a real sensibl riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking Dutch like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


If zis mad you smil, pleas gi me a STA .

Peas and lov to yu

2007-05-09 00:00:17 · 11 answers · asked by lushpoppy 4

A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by grade one kids (6 year-olds), because the last one is classic!


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Strike while the insect is close.


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Never underestimate the power of ants.


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Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.


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Better to be safe than punch a grade 7 boy.


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If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.


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It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.


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You can lead a horse to water but how?


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No news is impossible.


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A miss is as good as a Mr.


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You can't teach an old dog new maths.


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Love all, trust me.


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The pen is mightier than the pigs.


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An idle mind is the best way to relax.


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Where there's smoke there's pollution.


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Happy the bride who gets all the presents.


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A penny saved is not much.


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Two's company, three's the Musketeers.


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Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.


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Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.


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There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.


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Children should be seen and not smacked or grounded.


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If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.


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You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.


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When the blind leadeth the blind get out of the way.


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And the favourite:
Better late than pregnant!

2007-05-08 23:52:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ever wondered why women wear Panties with printed Flowers?????

It is a way of saying......
IN MEMORY OF THOSE WHO WERE BURIED HERE !

2007-05-08 23:42:20 · 9 answers · asked by Bhaskar 3

Learn Chinese in 17 Easy Steps....
>2) Are you harbouring a fugitive..Hu Yu Hai Ding

>3) See me ASAP..Kum Hia Nao

>5) Small Horse...Tai Ni Po Ni

>6) Did you go to the beach?...Wai Yu So Tan

>8) I think you need a face lift..Chin Tu Fat

>9) It is very dark in here....Wao So Dim

>10) I thought you were on a diet...Wai Yu Mun Ching

>11) This is a tow away zone....No Pah King

>12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.....Wai Yu Kum Nao

>13) Staying out of sight....Lei ing Lo

>14) He is cleaning his automobile...Wa Shing Ka

>15) That is not right...Sum Ting Wong

>16) Your body odour is offensive...Yu Stin Ki Pu


Please give me a star if you like it.

2007-05-08 23:37:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Moses, Jesus and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into on-coming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

2007-05-08 23:25:03 · 7 answers · asked by Time is nigh 3

Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up?

2007-05-08 23:05:37 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

2007-05-08 23:04:57 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went to visit my friend last week and he told me that each
night he wakes up and gets out of bed at least 180 times.
However, he always sleeps for at least 7 hours at a time. How
can this be explained?

2007-05-08 20:59:20 · 13 answers · asked by ♥ღ TravelGirl ღ♥ 4

If there are fifteen crows on a fence and the farmer shoots a
third of them, how many are left?

2007-05-08 20:52:46 · 28 answers · asked by ♥ღ TravelGirl ღ♥ 4

father and mother made some code words to say about sex, not to let their children know.
One day father told his 5 yo daughter to tell her mum that he wanted her to type. ( meaning typing = having sex).
So girl relayed the message. Mother replied that there was
only red tape in type writter ( That means she is in her period and does not want).
When girl relayed it to her Dad, Dad replied ( Never mind, I will write with my hand)...(that means he will mast..bate himeself)

2007-05-08 20:09:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Clues:

*I begin with N and end with G
*My definition is exactly what I am
*Lazy people do me
*I am also the first number
*I am not something
*I am invisibe

HAHAHA WHOEVER GETS IT GETS PICKED AS BEST ANSWERER...GOOD FREAKIN LUCK!

2007-05-08 17:13:08 · 64 answers · asked by ♥♥ Hello Kitty ♥♥ 1

the perfect husband: 1who c an give his wife everything she desires.
the perfect wife:1 whoo can find such a guy .......
lol cheers

2007-05-08 15:08:39 · 7 answers · asked by well thts it...... 3

The Learnmore School has 1,000 lockers. It also has 1,000 students. Mrs. Jones the school's principal, challenged the schools 1000 fine students to answer the following question. If all students were lined up and they did the following.

Student 1: Runs by all 1,000 lockers and opens each locker.
Student 2: Runs by all 1,000 lockers, but only closes every second locker
Student 3: Runs by all 1,000 lockers, but only changes the state of every third locker. (if the locker is open he/she closes it and vice versa)
Student 4: Runs by all 1,000 lockers, but only changes the state of every fourth locker.
Student 5: Runs by all 1,000 lockers, but only changes the state of every fifth locker.

This continues until all 1,000 students have had their turn.



Which lockers will be open after all 1,000 students have had their turn?

2007-05-08 14:17:06 · 16 answers · asked by xoex0hxo 2

just wondering

2007-05-08 13:52:46 · 18 answers · asked by crazysam 1

1.) A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.

Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.

To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.

2.) Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.

2007-05-08 13:28:08 · 20 answers · asked by ◄έхтяέмέ●ŋıмέиѕıőй► 2

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a

Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I

believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder,

not your penis."

The other one replies,

"It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

2007-05-08 13:03:50 · 9 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

“A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's going to start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, “You b**tard! You waltz in here, flop your fat a*s down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, ‘Oh s*it, it started.’ ”

2007-05-08 13:01:57 · 13 answers · asked by prairiegurrl 5

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY

2007-05-08 12:48:55 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

2007-05-08 12:42:10 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

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