Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

..............jokes with their own jokes? Isn't that a little rude or what?

2007-05-09 06:06:23 · 10 answers · asked by selene_liken 2

2007-05-09 05:56:43 · 30 answers · asked by pankhuri 2

2007-05-09 05:53:09 · 7 answers · asked by icycloud 3

Satan appeared

Just minutes before the church services started the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking.Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do.""Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.
" Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
" Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
" Yep," was the calm reply."And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
" Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."

2007-05-09 05:51:19 · 10 answers · asked by ? 2

what if I don't want to ask anything and just want you to say something funny?

2007-05-09 05:48:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-09 05:45:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

hello

2007-05-09 05:41:25 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Animal Cruelty

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

2007-05-09 05:35:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was walking his dog when he met a man coming the other way, just then the dog lifted his two front paws against a wall, lifted his right leg and started to pee, the man said thats very clever..how long has he been doing that?...ever since a wall fell on him replied the dog walker

2007-05-09 05:25:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay, long story, but my Mom passed away seven years ago and now there is this rumor she had a tattoo....and well, it would be completely out of character if it was true. The only person who holds the truth will only tell me if I solve the following riddle:

There are two islands. Two different tribes on each. One tribe only tells the truth and one tribe only tells a lie. The chief brings both tribes before him and asks a representative of each to step forward. He turns to one and asks if he is the truth teller, the tribesman says yes. The other tribesman states he is lying. Who is telling the truth?

PLEASE HELP!!!!

2007-05-09 05:21:07 · 5 answers · asked by Jessa 1

i will give 10 points to the person that can make me laugh! tell me a joke!!

2007-05-09 04:04:42 · 13 answers · asked by thatgurl 6

right?

2007-05-09 03:44:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070509/ap_on_go_pr_wh/royal_visit_75

2007-05-09 03:26:39 · 7 answers · asked by phoenix 3

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny to answer. He replies, "There are none left - they all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

2007-05-09 03:19:43 · 24 answers · asked by no angel 2

An old man and a young man go walking through the woods when they meet a frog. The frog says "if you kiss me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman in the whole world, and I'll be yours forever." The two men look at eachother, then the old man picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The young man asks "why did you do that?". The old man says "cause at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog".

2007-05-09 03:07:53 · 9 answers · asked by David 6

Marmite?

2007-05-09 02:56:37 · 26 answers · asked by Tudor B 2

For all of us who feel
only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our
lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill
Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General
Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology
like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics
(and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car
would crash........

Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in
the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the
freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close
all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver
such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in
which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was
powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive
- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and
alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has
Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are
you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason
whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced,
car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the
"Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who
love - but sometimes hate - their computer.



Tags: funny

2007-05-09 02:43:55 · 19 answers · asked by Tanya 3

There are 3 girls.. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead.
They are on an island and they see another island across the ocean.
The length of the ocean is 100 miles..(keep that in mind)

the brunette:: "Im going to see if i can make it to the other island."
--so she tries and she gets about 10 miles and gets a cramp and drowns.

the redhead:: "well since redheads are better im going to do it."
--so she tries and she gets about 30 miles and gets a cramp and she drowns.

the blonde:: "i know im better so im going to try."
she swims 50 miles....
"im tired of swimming"
turns around and swims back..

2007-05-09 02:31:49 · 15 answers · asked by ~LYNN~ 2

2007-05-09 02:28:05 · 11 answers · asked by cobbler_98 3

Are u that smart?
Check it out....
B elow are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to
answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them
immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:
Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second
person and you take
his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took
for the first question.

Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are
wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this! Are you?

Third
Question:
V ery tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.

Do NOT use paper! and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add
another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely
not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Mary's father has five
daughters:
1. Nana,
2. Nene,
3. Nini,
4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Okay, now the bonus round.

T here is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase
is
done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of
sunglasses, how should he express himself?

2007-05-09 02:25:55 · 13 answers · asked by abcdefg 3

Blonde and the ladder

Q : Why did the blonde women bring a ladder to the pub


A : Because she heard drinks were on the house

2007-05-09 02:16:09 · 9 answers · asked by Ashley M 2

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

2007-05-09 02:15:02 · 7 answers · asked by angel eyez xx 6

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

2007-05-09 02:13:19 · 15 answers · asked by Ashley M 2

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

2007-05-09 02:11:20 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-09 02:11:00 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Following a nasty car accident, a man's wife slips into a coma.

After spending weeks at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the hospital.

"It's amazing" says the Doctor, breathlessly. "While bathing your wife, one of the nurses noticed she responded to her b00bs being touched."

The husband is very excited, and asks what he can do. "Well," says the doc, "If one erogenous zone provokes a response, perhaps the others will too."

So the husband goes alone into the room, where he slips his hand under the covers and begins to massage her b!ts.

Amazingly, the woman begins to move and even moan a little. The man tells the doctor, waiting outside.

"Excellent!" he says. "If she responds like that to your finger, I think you should try 0_r_@_l s_e_x."

Nodding, the husband returns to the room - but within minutes the heart monitor alarms go off, and the medics pile into the room.

2007-05-09 02:10:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

"MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD"

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,
but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's
house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

2007-05-09 02:09:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said, “But she is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.” He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.” When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!”

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.” The Judge said, “Me too!”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend:



So get yourself a dog.”

2007-05-09 02:08:48 · 4 answers · asked by Ashley M 2

Hillary Clinton's OB-GYN

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

2007-05-09 02:07:44 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of
their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! F*ck off!"

2007-05-09 02:07:21 · 5 answers · asked by angel eyez xx 6