Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

2007-05-10 19:33:00 · 19 answers · asked by Sammy 2

when we hear a good joke or visualize/see certain acts we start laughing ,what triggers our laughing

2007-05-10 18:20:08 · 8 answers · asked by psokullu 2

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.

The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him, “I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell you.”

The gay guy said, “Okay.”
So she said, “Take my shoes off,” so he did.
She said, “Take my stockings off,” so he did.
Then she said, “Take my dress off,” and he did.
She said, “Take my bra off,” so he did.
Then she said, “Take my panties off,” so he did.

Finally, she said, “You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and you're fired.”

2007-05-10 17:42:18 · 6 answers · asked by thugster17 2

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to
spend the night with her for $500. So they did,
and before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have
his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the
way to the office he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he had his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for
rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and
at home. Last night, however, I found out that it
had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250.00 with the following
note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect
a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied
indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the
space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please do not blame the landlady.

2007-05-10 16:53:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

please include answers

2007-05-10 15:08:34 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

You Go to bed at 8:00 PM and set your alarm clock to get up at 9:00 AM. How many hours of sleep will you get?

2007-05-10 14:33:50 · 9 answers · asked by noelle s 2

My first is in chocolate but not in ham, my second's in cake and also in jam, my third at tea-time is easily found, my whole is a friend who's often around. What am I?

2007-05-10 14:31:03 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is going on with all these dead baby jokes?! Look, I understand this is the jokes and riddles section... but WTF! thats not even funny. Thats just cruel. Who started these gay dead baby jokes anyways?!?! I myself am a person that laughs at all kinds of jokes... sexist jokes, racist jokes, sick jokes, clean jokes, any jokes... but dead babies? thats just mean and not even funny. anyone know how this started?

2007-05-10 14:03:28 · 5 answers · asked by danny 4

i have 3 feet but can't move.
wht am i?

2007-05-10 13:58:24 · 11 answers · asked by hotfairy 2

That looks gross. What is it?

2007-05-10 13:03:01 · 14 answers · asked by BigRick the Beer Drinker 6

First grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic.

1. Don't change horses.........until they stop running.
2. Strike while the...............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of .......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but . how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ................looks dirty.
7. No news is.....................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ............... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ......... math.

(Continued...)

2007-05-10 12:48:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy & Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother... Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane... at this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little, Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. (continued.... sorry out of space.)

2007-05-10 12:38:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here honey, try these on.'

So, she did and said, 'Well sweetie they are a little too big, I can't wear them.'

So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here babe, try these on."

So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."

So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine."

So he does and says, "I can't even get into your pants."

So Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

2007-05-10 12:11:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The husband had just finished his book, "Man of the House". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the Man of the House and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished my meal I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director."

2007-05-10 12:10:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-10 11:23:25 · 38 answers · asked by T-Mart 3

2007-05-10 11:22:16 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Only one color, but not one size,
Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies.
Present in sun, but not in rain,
Doing no harm, and feeling no pain.
What is it.

2007-05-10 11:20:32 · 15 answers · asked by bear5521 2

I had a bunch of American dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for pounds and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat pund fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you English people, too!"

2007-05-10 10:43:31 · 19 answers · asked by Angela G 4

Airplane losing height, Pilot says throw out passengers alphabetically, Asians, Blacks, and coons.

Little Black boy says to his father "That's us Dad"

Father replies "No son, Today we is wogs"

2007-05-10 08:36:03 · 8 answers · asked by jabelite 3

black jacks, british bulldog, relivio. on white horses, follyfoot, banana splits, saturday morning pictures, staypress trousers. crombi coats, tonic suites, little glass bottles of brute, puppy love, the partridge family, northern soul, brytus shirts, shirink to fit levis, 10 cadets, high waisters, oxford bags.......where did they go?

2007-05-10 08:35:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-10 07:53:14 · 12 answers · asked by laura w 2

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse just called.”

2007-05-10 07:11:39 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

an Englishman, an Irishman ,a Scotsman, a blond, a brunette, a red head,a priest, a rabbi and a turtle walk into a bar

The barman says " is this some kind of joke'

2007-05-10 06:15:57 · 16 answers · asked by notanotherteenmovie 1

A foul mouthed, ugly,woman walks into a large posh store dragging two dirty brats with her. The doorman says to her "Good morning Madam, what beautiful children you have are they twins?" "Stupid b@st@rd" she says, "The girl is 7 and the boy is 3,why would you think they were twins you ********?". The dorman replies sincerely, "Because I cannot imagine anyone sh@gging you twice!"

2007-05-10 06:09:49 · 12 answers · asked by ? 5

You will know that I am coming
From the jingle of my bell,
But exactly who I am is not an easy thing to tell.

Children, they adore me
for they find me jolly,
but I do not see them when the halls are decked with holly.

My job often leaves me frozen,
I am a man that all should know,
But I do not do business in times of sleet or ice or snow.

I travel much on business,
But no reindeer haul me around,
I do all my traveling firmly on the ground.

I love the time of Christmas,
But that's not my vocational season,
And I assure that is because of a sound economic reason.

2007-05-10 06:05:41 · 13 answers · asked by Brenda C 1

What would you call a creature that has evolved living off cigarette butts?

A crack addict!

2007-05-10 05:57:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?
(I got it in an email and I know that "forward this to 10 people and press shift thing doesnt work...so now its bothering me that I cant figure this out!)

2007-05-10 05:54:36 · 30 answers · asked by TomA 1

2007-05-10 05:47:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you figure this one out?

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS
$30, SO
EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY
$25, SO
HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5
EVENLY
BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2
FOR
HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A
TOTAL OF
$27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

2007-05-10 05:37:44 · 11 answers · asked by ~*@mber ice*~ 2

I am a 7 letter city.My 234 letter is a bird.61 is cool 1274 is part of face,4713 is way of saying good 4 equal to 5

2007-05-10 05:21:31 · 6 answers · asked by JENIFER A 1