whats the funniest joke you have ever heard ?

Answer 1

Catholic Girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the
first girl, "Tiffany,
have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my fingers.

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tips of your fingers in the Holy Water and
pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had
any contact with a
male organ?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and
stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through
the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl
is pushing her way
to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Paula! What seems to be the
rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to
do it before Jessica
sticks her *** in it." !!!!!!


A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in

the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30

minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a

ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to

put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and

knock

the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls

off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The

bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the

back of the van."



He hands the shotgun to the homeowner."What's the shotgun for?" asks

the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."



Brokeback Bar
A cowboy walks into a bar and realizes it's a gay bar.
But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his,
Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy nex t to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and gives a wink.
Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."



Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her
mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she
had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
In the first place......smack his *** again!"

Answer 2

Ninety yr historical man: My 28 year old spouse is pregnant, your opinion health care professional? Healthcare professional: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a rush grabs an umbrella as an alternative of the gun. He strikes into the woods, sees a endure, lifts the umbrella, pulls the control and BANG... The endure drops useless! Ancient man: Thats unimaginable; any individual else must have shot the undergo. Healthcare professional: MY factor exactly!

Answer 3

there were 2 very old guys sitting 2gether. 1 of them was going to die soon. 1 guy said to the other "when u die tell me if theres cricket in heaven coz i love to play cricket" the other guy goes "ok i will tell u"

the next day the guy dies. a week later he comes back as a ghost to see the other old guy. he says "i got some good news and some bad news for u, the good news is that theres cricket everywhere in heaven, i played yesterday and scored 78 runs, the bad news is that ur opening the batting for our team 2morro.

Answer 4

This isn't so much the FUNNIEST joke I've heard, but it was the delivery and the timing..lol...In highschool, while in chemistry, the whole class was completely silent and this guy just blurts out to the teacher (who was really cool and had a good sense of humor and joked all the time) "Hey Mr. Wright! What do you call a fly with no wings?!...........A WALK!"..Then he just went back to his work like nothing happened....it was hilarious because it was a corny joke but it was soo random!...lol

Answer 5

ninety twelve months previous guy: My 28 twelve months previous spouse is pregnant, your opinion healthcare expert? healthcare expert: enable me enable you recognize a narrative. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella extremely of the gun. He strikes into the woods, sees a bear, lifts the umbrella, pulls the cope with and BANG... The bear drops lifeless! previous guy: Thats impossible; somebody else ought to have shot the bear. healthcare expert: MY element precisely!

Answer 6

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen the little lamb
But I've never seen her Bare..

Answer 7

Why are there now only 49 contestants in the Miss America Pagent???
No one wants to wear a banner that says "Idaho"

Answer 8

I don't get no respect. I got in the cab and told the cabby I want to go where the action is and the cab driver took me to my house.

Answer 9

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big f*cking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my p*$$y." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my p*$$y!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her p*$$y, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my @$$!"

Answer 10

how do you catch a squirell?
climb a tree and act like a nut