Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

You do not want to have me,
But when you have me,
You do not want to lose me.
What am I?

2007-05-12 09:47:00 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

you can figure it out!!!!!

2007-05-12 08:40:05 · 5 answers · asked by Sandy 1

What number comes next in the sequence:
61, 691, 163, 487, 4201, ?

2007-05-12 07:13:25 · 7 answers · asked by Ms* Shae* 3

in marble walls as white as milk,
lined with skin as soft as silk,
within a fountain crystal clear,
a golden apple does appear.
no doors are there to this stronghold--
yet thieves break in and steal the gold.

2007-05-12 07:06:00 · 5 answers · asked by Sara S 2

We all can see a tiger in the picture, right? But there is also the hidden tiger. Can you find it?

The link:
http://img128.imageshack.us/img128/8274/tigerls7.png

2007-05-12 04:58:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im not doin to well. My mom is in Florida, my dog is sick, my friedns are away and My phone dont work. We cant wacht tv cuz it satalight is down. I can olny play on yahoo! anwsers or I get in big trouble. Can I have a star cuz I not worth much and my hamster is going to die. I dont have any music and dont got no bike and Im olny ten. I want to make someones day and say,"Hey! What you doing today?" but All I can do it make two points at a time till thuesday! Can I plz have a star? Ill give u one too!!

2007-05-12 03:09:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spelling the mISSiSSippi"

2007-05-12 03:07:17 · 8 answers · asked by shams 2

why will it not play video`s

2007-05-12 02:49:36 · 9 answers · asked by blackstuffguiness 2

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart!"

2007-05-12 02:43:05 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

i miss her jokes is she under another name?

2007-05-12 02:17:43 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Heard a bleeping sound,

The American pressed his arm and the bleep stopped,
"That was my pager,
I have a microchip in my arm",

A phone rings
British man puts his palm to his ear,

"That was my mobile,
I have a microchip in my hand"

Irish man not to be outdone, went to the toilet,
and came back with toilet paper hanging from his ar*e.

The others stared at him......

"Byjasus" said the Irish man,
"Will you look at that, I'm getting a fax.

;-)

2007-05-12 02:15:15 · 39 answers · asked by BLING 4

Everyone knows the 30 days version except me :( my version is ... 30 days hath September, then the rest I don't remember until we get to February which has 28 clear and 29 in each leap year.

(I count the months on my knuckles, a raise for 31 a dip for thirty.)

2007-05-11 23:47:00 · 6 answers · asked by Grinning Football plinny younger 7

2007-05-11 23:28:31 · 5 answers · asked by Grinning Football plinny younger 7

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it
myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's
important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only
want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

2007-05-11 22:46:02 · 11 answers · asked by ? 6

I can be small but big
I live in your house but sometimes you dont see me
I eat annoying buzzes
I have my own movie

2007-05-11 21:45:33 · 8 answers · asked by magicalme123 2

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

2007-05-11 21:19:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joke: Indian Telephone Operator


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The Manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Manager, I am ready."

The Manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him.

*I just copied this joke.... No offense to Indians :) peace:)

2007-05-11 20:33:07 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: Fw: Bubba's Swimming Hole

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to Attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice. "It's those baggy swimming shorts that make you look like an old fool.They're years out of style. Bubba, grab yourself a pair of Speedos About two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down insideThem. I'm tellin' ya, man, you'll have all the babes you want." The following weekend Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new Tight Speedos and his fist sized tater. Everybody at the swimming hole
Was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away Laughing and looking sick.
Bubba went back to Billy Bob and asked him "what's wrong now?"
"Lord Almighty, Bubba" said Billy Bob, "the tater goes in the
FRONT!"

2007-05-11 19:55:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-11 18:11:38 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

English man, scotish man, and a irish man, there driving through the desert. all of a suddon there car breaks down and rather then wait int he sun they decide to walk.

the english man decides he'll take the water so if they get thirsty they can drink
the scotish man takes soem food so if they get hungry they can eat.
the irish man starts rips the door off.
the english and scotish guy look at each other and ask, 'why you taking the door' old paddy says 'if it gets hot we can open the window!'

2007-05-11 16:29:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes on vacation in New York City.
He enters a bar by the Empire State building and strikes up a conversation with another man. When asked if he had been to the top of Empire Building, he says no.
Then the second man says:
"Oh, you should go. It's great and on a windy day like this you can jump off and you fall about half way, then float gently back up."
The first man looks at his new friend and says:
"Yeah, right."
"No, really, I'll show you," the second answers.
So, they go to the top of the building and man two jumps off and when he gets about half way, he floats back up.
"Well, what do think?" he askes the other man.
"I gotta try it he says."
He climbs to the top, jumps off, and SPLAT on the street.
At a building across the street, a doorman looks at a tenet and says:
"You know, that Clark Kent is a nice guy, but he's a mean drunk."

2007-05-11 16:10:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Are you all right?
A. No...I'm half left! :)

2007-05-11 15:51:06 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pregnant woman is walking down the high street when suddenly her water breaks.The woman panics and phones her mum in a state of distress telling her what had happened.The womans mother tells her to calm down and asks her "Where are you ringing from my dear" and the woman replies " from my pants right down to my ankles "

2007-05-11 14:59:51 · 14 answers · asked by stoned_vicar 2

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *sshole.

2007-05-11 14:48:04 · 16 answers · asked by innvisible_shadow 3

Was it Officer Barbrady? Mr. Garrison? Chef? The 1991 Denver Broncos? Dr. Mephesto? That creppy little fellow that follows him around everyhwere?

2007-05-11 14:29:53 · 5 answers · asked by Hot Coco Puff 7

2007-05-11 14:17:49 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dentist noticed that his next patient, and elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"There's a building in China with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

The old lady didn't even crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.



*Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds may be slow, but they're always working!!!

2007-05-11 14:07:40 · 14 answers · asked by chrysanthemum 2

Damn Laundry!

2007-05-11 13:29:06 · 10 answers · asked by BigRick the Beer Drinker 6

the doc says "come over by the window and open your mouth as wide as you can and stick your tongue out as far as you can"
the man did as he was told then asked the doc "did i have to go to the window so you could see my throat better". " no" said the doc i hate him over the road".

2007-05-11 13:17:45 · 17 answers · asked by dizzydi 4

2 friends are walking in the park discussing things when one boy says, "What is a penis?"
"i dont know!" said the other boy, "Stay here and i'll go ask that man on the bench". so the boy runs to the guy on the bench and says "Hey mister? whats a penis?"
The man on the bench says "a penis is the sex organ of a male used to help women make babies...in fact.." says the man while pulling down his pants, "if it looked like this, it would be a perfect penis"
"Ok" says the boy and runs back to his friend. "Ok, so a penis is a sex organ of a male used to help women make babies" and then he pulls down his pants and says, "in fact, if mine was 3 inches shorter, it would be a perfect penis"

LOL star if u liked. and for all those haters out there, get a clue,,, this is the jokes and riddles section. have a sense of humor dang... and i warned you, i put "kinda sick" in the title... so u had it comin!

2007-05-11 12:56:35 · 26 answers · asked by danny 4