Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

2007-05-13 10:26:35 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 men are applying for the same job. they are both so good that the employer decides to give them a test to prove their smarts. After the test she calls them into her office. "Even though you both only missed one question I give the job to Joe" she tells them. Bob stands up and yells"I we both only missed one question why did you give it to him?!" "On number 5 he wrote I don not know." "So?" "You wrote me neither."
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A boy had a habit of sucking his thumb. His mother told him one day to stop or he would get very very fat. that scared him so he stopped. One day his mom was holding a baby shower for an obviously pregnant friend. The little boy walked over to her, pointed and accusing finger and said, "Aha, I know what you've been doing!"

Star if you like what i gots.

2007-05-13 10:16:21 · 9 answers · asked by WHO STOLE THE HOT SAUCE? 2

two of the women immediately have a stroke. the third one couldn't quite reach....

2007-05-13 10:05:13 · 25 answers · asked by ♥cardanja♥ 6

A lady pulled over for speeding explained to the officer: " I'b just com from da dntest an wud goink homb ta git ma med-cine."
After about 10 minutes of painfully slow translation, the officer finally deduced that the woman was speeding because she needed pain medication after a long session with her dentist. For some reason, the officer just wasn't buying her story.

"Maybe I better run a check on your license," the officer said, " I seem to remember a woman with this name who was wanted in an armed robbery."

The women's eyes grew huge and indignant, and her mouth flew open. "Why, I have never been so insulted in all my life. How dare you accuse me of being a common..........

Then her hand flew to her mouth as she realized she had spoken very quickly and very articulately.

The officer gave her a "tibket!"

2007-05-13 09:46:48 · 8 answers · asked by Trenese 5

1) Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the Drive-Up ATM?

2)What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

3)If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

4)If a quiz is quizzical, then what is a test?

5)why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?

6)If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?

7)If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

8)If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?

9)If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

10)Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

you dont have to answer these questions.. i just thought they were funny

2007-05-13 09:43:40 · 12 answers · asked by danny 4

There was once a bar owner who had a cat. However, one day this cat was ran over in a terrible accident and didn't survive. Since the man loved his cat so much, he couldn't handle running a bar anymore and moved to Fiji to start a new life.

There was a house next door to the bar which the bar owner lived in and this - along with the bar - was sold to another man when the bar owner left.

One night at 11pm, the ghost of the cat came to the house and the new owner and the cat began to chat. "Oh yes, I remember you! You are that lovely cat that got ran over, your master was so upset." "So was I!", the cat said. "Hey listen, in the accident my tail got severed and I've had to carry around with me ever since. Could you do me a favour and sew it back on for me?" The man replied, "I'd love to, but unfortunately I can't retail spirits after 10 o'clock."

If you liked that then check out my other kokes, I am full of them!

2007-05-13 09:11:36 · 18 answers · asked by mjallan123 2

A private tutor.








smile =)

2007-05-13 08:58:17 · 10 answers · asked by Konrad 6

A man was on holiday in South America when he stumbled upon a Red Indian who claimed to know everything and remember everything. "HOW!", said the Indian in his native language, "I bet you $50 I can answer any question you can come up with." The man thought about this and eventually couldn't resist the urge for an easy 50 bucks. "So, ask me anything you want?" said the Chief. The man said, "Ok, in what year did Breitner score for Germany to secure its win over Chile in the World Cup?" The Chief yawned, "That's easy 1974." The man was amazed and handed the Chief $50 and went on his way.

10 years later the same man was on holiday in the same area where he again stumbled on the same Chief sitting exactly where he was 10 years ago. The man thought it would be polite to greet him in the native tongue, "HOW!", the man said. The Cheif replied, "By smashing it 35 yards into the top right hand corner."

2007-05-13 08:41:12 · 18 answers · asked by mjallan123 2

There once was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on building a block of flats. One day they were sitting on top of an iron guirder suspended above the ground having their lunch.

The Englishman goes to the others, "For goodness sake, my wife's put cucumber in my sandwich! I don't know how many times I've told her not to put cucumber in and she still does it. It drives me up the wall! If I get it again tommorow, I'll jump!"
The Scotsman goes, "Yeah my wife does that as well! She puts lettuce in my sandwich and I hate it! I've told her umpteen times but she still puts it in! If I get it tommorow I will jump as well!".
The Irishman goes, "Lads I'm in the same situation. I keep getting tomato in my sandwich and I hate the stuff! If I get it tommorow I'll jump!".

Tommorow comes and the Englishman finds cucumber, the Scotsman finds lettuce and the Irishman finds tomato so they all jump.

(Please read the notes to find out the end).

2007-05-13 08:04:25 · 14 answers · asked by mjallan123 2

(you have to read the chinese bit out loud)
1)."That's not right"...............Sum Ting Wong>>
2)."Are you harbouring a fugitive?"..Hu Yu Hai Ding>>
3)."See me ASAP"....................Kum Hia Nao>>
4)."There goes Stupid Man"..........Dum Dum Wa King>>
5)."Small Horse"....................Tai Ni Po Ni>>
6)."Did you go to the beach?".......Wai Yu So Tan>>
7)."I bumped into a coffee table"...Ai Bang Mai Ni>>
8)."I think you need a face lift"...Chin Tu Fat>>
9)."It's very dark in here".........Wao So Dim>>
10)."I thought you were on a diet"..Wai Yu Mun Ching>>
11)."This is a tow away zone".......No Pah King>>
12)."Our meeting is next week"......Wai Yu Kum Nao>>
13)."Staying out of sight!".........Lei Ying Lo>>
14)."He's cleaning his auto mobile"..Wa Shing Ka>>
15)."Your body odour is offensive"...Yu Stin Ki Pu>>

16)."Great".........................Su Pah

2007-05-13 07:47:34 · 45 answers · asked by bananas! 3

Animal Jokes

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles Upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my
friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the **** out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!” The lion answers, “That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!”

2007-05-13 07:40:14 · 19 answers · asked by Olderwiser 4

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

2007-05-13 07:34:43 · 18 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

But baby pigeon said, “I can’t make it; I’ll get too tired.” His mother said, “Don’t worry; I’ll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine.”
The baby started to cry.
“What’s wrong?” said the mother.
“I don’t want to be pigeon towed!”

Star if you didn't laugh. Thanks.

2007-05-13 07:18:59 · 9 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, “Hello.”
The other one thought, “I wonder what he meant by that.”

2007-05-13 07:13:49 · 27 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office.

“Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”

“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. Haroldson replied. “I hung him up to dry.”

Star if you laugh. Thanks.

2007-05-13 07:13:03 · 12 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

A blonde and a brunette are stood by a fast flowing river, of which they need to get to the other side.
The brunette says, "wait here", and promptly jumps in the river and swims across. When she reaches the other river bank, she shouts to the blonde:
"Ok, now you swim to the other side"
to which she replied, after a long and thoughtful pause ".... I am on the other side".

Comment if you like please, *stars* are boring!

2007-05-13 07:03:18 · 22 answers · asked by BrilliantPomegranate 4

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.

"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.

"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

Star if you laughed.Thanks

2007-05-13 06:52:03 · 9 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Moses," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

2007-05-13 06:27:21 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man hasn't been feling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine......."


Please star it if you think its funny
Thanks

Check my others out too

2007-05-13 06:11:45 · 34 answers · asked by pink.jazzz 3

Good Advice

Some wisdom that you guys considering to get married have to have in mind.

For you that are already married, I assume you did the right thing. I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable. One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once...

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, 'we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!'

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

2007-05-13 05:31:32 · 15 answers · asked by ? 2

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply was, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply was, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picked it up, her driver's license fell out. The boy looked it over and went back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You're 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds, and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

Please star if you laughed.

2007-05-13 05:29:01 · 19 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind."

The boy said, "Dad, I'm over here."

Please star.

2007-05-13 05:27:44 · 22 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

2007-05-13 05:27:25 · 11 answers · asked by martinpaul2001 3

A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and says, "Well, that's great. That's really great. Someone's got my pen."

Star please.

2007-05-13 05:19:13 · 22 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!"

The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

2007-05-13 05:10:26 · 18 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

2007-05-13 05:02:10 · 10 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

2007-05-13 04:05:53 · 7 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

So he walks into a bar.
Now how will he communicate to the waiter that he needs a glass of water?

2007-05-13 03:16:20 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A classic.

2007-05-13 03:13:01 · 15 answers · asked by Richard 7

This should be easy.

2007-05-13 03:11:02 · 22 answers · asked by Richard 7