Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!"

The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

2007-05-14 02:11:19 · 7 answers · asked by drew d 3

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

2007-05-14 01:55:08 · 21 answers · asked by drew d 3

I make myself perfectly clear? Or do we have a communication problem here?

2007-05-14 01:46:09 · 32 answers · asked by asmikeocsit 7

A Blonde walks into walmart and ask the sales clerk if she can bye the tv and he says they dnt sell to blondes so that nite she goes home and dyes her hair purple comes back and ask the same sells clerk if she could bye the same tv and he says we dnt sell to blondes. so the same nite she dies her hair but this time orange then she goes back the next day and ask the same clerk why she cant bye the tv and he tells her that is a micro wave not a tv.

2007-05-14 01:44:27 · 9 answers · asked by Sandy C 1

e.g. Your mama's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV i missed 3 episodes.

2007-05-14 00:50:19 · 29 answers · asked by ireland01 2

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

2007-05-14 00:30:18 · 23 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

...a stick.

Oh yes, thankyou, thankyou.

2007-05-14 00:21:43 · 11 answers · asked by tom1122bb 2

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

2007-05-14 00:18:26 · 11 answers · asked by Ronit R 1

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather.
Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

2007-05-13 23:53:45 · 6 answers · asked by Ronit R 1

2007-05-13 22:45:57 · 9 answers · asked by kiki 1

One blond says "hey, look at that 3-legged dog with one eye" The other blond covers one eye and says "ok now what?"

2007-05-13 20:06:39 · 13 answers · asked by ? 2

Mike is at home.
A robber enters and sees Mike
Mike sees the robber.
The robber takes everything of value.
The next day, Mike does not call the police even though everything was stolen.

Why?

2007-05-13 19:05:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

...were stuck behind a particularly slow group of golfers. After three holes, they complained to the greenskeeper.

"Sorry, guys,. That's a group of blind firefighters," the man explained. "They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from burning down last year, so we let them play here anytime for free."

"That's so sad," the priest said. "I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."

"Good idea," the doctor agreed. "I'm going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

"I guess," the lawyer said. "But why can't they play at night?"

2007-05-13 18:18:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-13 17:31:17 · 13 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

Is that the value of ridicule these days, deer me we got a live one here

2007-05-13 17:16:09 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to the Doctor and says "I think I'm pregnant.?" the Doctor (trying to save the budget by not giving a pregnancy test ) says it's probably just wind so don't worry about it." A month later she comes back and say's "I still think I'm pregnant" the doctor says don't worry about it as I said it's probably just wind".Another month goes by and by this time she's beginning to show, she says "I'm positive I'm pregnant and I'm beginning to show" the doctor again says "I'm sure it's just wind so don't worry about it." The next day she arrives back with her husband who proceeds to pull out his penis and slap it on the doctors desk and says "Just what do you think this is a bloody bicycle pump.?"

2007-05-13 17:08:29 · 16 answers · asked by The Woman Behind the Man 3

David Beckham and Posh are sitting watching the news and the lead story about a man threatening to jump off a bridge onto a busy road below. Posh turns and says "I'll bet you £10,000 he jumps."David says "£10,000.? you're on." the pair shake on it and continue to watch. Sure enough the guy jumps so David reached into his pocket and pulls out the money to give it to herand Posh says "I cant take itfrom you I was cheating I saw the report earlier and I knew he jumped." Beckham says "The money's yours I saw the report earlier too I just didn't think he'd jump again."

2007-05-13 16:55:13 · 8 answers · asked by The Woman Behind the Man 3

Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

Bring easy math flash cards on the elevator and ask the person next to you to help you study them (get them wrong).

Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone’s fingers who attept to cross you.

Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi John, how’s your day been?"

Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.

Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.

When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic,

2007-05-13 15:44:08 · 47 answers · asked by Dana 2

jokes of any sort plz......anything to make me lauph

2007-05-13 15:31:51 · 11 answers · asked by Roxy 3

Our hero rides into town and stops at the only saloon there for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. By the time he finishes his drink, he finds that his horse has been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yells manfully, glancing around the room.

No one answers.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I done back in Texas and believe ya me, I don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shift restlessly.

He has another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back! He saddles up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?"

Our hero turns back and quietly says…………


"I had to walk home!"

2007-05-13 14:05:36 · 18 answers · asked by dteacher1uk 5

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off.
You're going to break something.” He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a
short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it
lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets
the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and
SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can’t believe
what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the
toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled an s she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees
and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be
and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls,
etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the
first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"


You're laughing aren't you...? I know you are!!!

2007-05-13 13:58:55 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"


"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates", he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"


"Well", said the accountant, "one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in awhile I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and four - instead of you going out shopping on the weekend, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

2007-05-13 13:30:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again.

Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."


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2007-05-13 12:53:36 · 32 answers · asked by pink.jazzz 3

Who took her boyfreind to court because she wasn't sure the baby was really hers.

2007-05-13 12:51:40 · 4 answers · asked by Commander 3

Three...one to change the bulb and two to collaborate on a paper entitled "Coping with darkness".

2007-05-13 12:45:15 · 19 answers · asked by pure_dragonfire 4

Last week I was taking a shortcut through the park when I chanced upon an old man (must have been in his eighties or nineties) sitting on a bench with his head in his hands sobbing his poor heart out.

I sat down next to him and asked him what troubled him and why he was crying so openly. The old gent replied, ‘ Well, two years ago, I won 25 million on the lottery. I now have three large houses in 2 different countries with 4 swimming pools, 6 limousines all chauffeur driven, and 12 months ago, I met a stunning, sexy, young lady. 6 months ago, we got married. She does everything for me and when I say everything, I mean anything. She is always by my side at home and never even looks at another man. She’s at home now probably getting ready for me!’

I could not understand his sorrow, so I asked him gently ‘Sir, why are you so sad then? Surely, this is not a reason to shed tears?’

The old gent turned slowly and faced me and spoke quietly through the tears……

‘I can’t remember where I live…’

2007-05-13 12:26:57 · 17 answers · asked by dteacher1uk 5

There were two tramps on a train platform looking for something to smoke.
Meanwhile, comming down the track is a train, on board is man desperate for a 5h*t. He shows the conductor his ticket and asks where the toilet is. The conductor tells him he will have to wait because there are none on board this particular train. The makes his way to the back of the train and discovers an empty carrage. In his desperation he pulls the window down as far as it will go, undoes his trouser's pulls down his pants an squeezes his bum out the open window.
The tramps stop their searching when they hear the sound of an approaching train and one tramp says to the other tramp, "its our lucky day, you slap his face and I'll grab his cigar!"

2007-05-13 12:07:09 · 16 answers · asked by Albinoballs 5

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called "Worm Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.

Purchase the antidote known as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter" (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should give this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

But do not stress there is an vaccine available... It is called RETIREMENT!!!

Any stars??

2007-05-13 11:58:55 · 8 answers · asked by T C 3

2007-05-13 11:31:28 · 19 answers · asked by johnhershey2005 1

The fore man asks what experience they all have in the construction industry,

Englishmnan says that he has done a bit of hod carrying so the fore man sends him off doing that.

The Irishman says he has done a bit of ground works, so the foreman gets him laying pipes.

Th Chinese man says that he has no experience whatsoever but is willing to learn anything so the foreman tells him to work on supplies,

A few weeks go by and the Englishman and the Irishman bump into each other occasionally but never see the chinese man.

One day the Englishman says to the Irishman " Hey, what happened to that Chink that started with us?"

The Irishman replies "I don't know, He got put on supplies but I haven't seen him for weeks"

Just then The chinese man jumps out behind a stack of bricks and shouts.........."SUPPLIES!"

2007-05-13 11:18:53 · 19 answers · asked by jabelite 3