Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

2007-05-15 02:24:49 · 14 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

A police sergeant was training three blonde recruits in observation and detection. He called the first blonde in and said, "I'm going to show you a photograph of a suspect for a few seconds then, when I remove it, I want you to tell me how you would recognise the suspect in future". After he had removed the photo the blonde said, "We'd soon catch him, he's only got one eye". "Look", said the sergeant patiently, "the photo of him is taken from the side, in profile, of course he's got two eyes".

He called in the second blonde, repeated the procedure with her and, when he'd removed the photo, she said, "That's easy, we'd trace him in no time because he's only got one ear". The sergeant said, somewhat testily, "Don't be silly, the photo is of him in profile, from the side, of course he's got two ears!"

He summoned the third blonde, repeated the procedure, then said, "I'm now going to remove the photo, I want you to think carefully and don't give me any stupid answers". The girl pon

2007-05-15 02:23:53 · 3 answers · asked by Iris 1

Bad To Worse

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.
Bad: In bed.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

if you know any more let me know,

;-)

2007-05-15 02:21:19 · 8 answers · asked by BLING 4

Whats your worst habit??

2007-05-15 02:20:54 · 9 answers · asked by little kitty 3

There were two blonde guys working for the city council. One would dig aÊhole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn'tÊ understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig aÊhole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

2007-05-15 02:10:57 · 21 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

One day two parents took their son to a nude beach. The little boy was playing in the water then came running up to his mother.

"Mommy, Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours are!"

The mother kept reading and said,
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are." He went back to the water. A few minutes later, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy, I saw guys with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's is!"

The mother simply replied,
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are." He went back to the water. After a few minutes, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy, I saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw! And the more and more they talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

2007-05-15 02:08:31 · 7 answers · asked by *Gerry'sBaby* 3

How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Cotswolds. They were sitting around on the veranda of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

2007-05-15 02:08:16 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man tried to sell his neighbour his dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five pounds." The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There is no such animal." Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in Britain. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times." "Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five pounds?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

2007-05-15 02:03:53 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest from Topeka, Kansas named Michael Power is the nicest guy you'll ever meet. He never got into trouble in his whole life. One day, a tornado ripped through Topeka. It left minor damages on houses, no damages to the church, but totally destroyed Father Power's house. "Why God? Why did it have to be my house?" prayed Power. Well the answer to this question is that Power's house number was 666.

2007-05-15 01:55:02 · 29 answers · asked by Yahoo Man 1

The kindergarten class were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten, so she asked them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them what they had done during the summer.

The first little one said, "I went to see my Nana."

The teacher said, "No, you went to see your grandmother. That’s the grown-up word."

The next little one said, "I went on a trip on a choo-choo."

The teacher again said, "No, you went on a trip on a train. That’s the grown-up word."

Then, the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer.

Little Johnny proudly said that he read a book.

"What book did you read?" asked the teacher.

Little Johnny puffed out his chest, and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Sh*t."

2007-05-15 01:42:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a blonde is driving home when she rear ends a man in a pick up truck. The man stops and gets out of the truck and starts yelling at the blonde to get out of her car. The blonde gets out and tries to apologize. The man draws a circle in the sand and tells the blonde to get in the circle, she does, then he tells her not to step out. He grabs a bat and starts smashing her winshield, the blonde starts to giggle, the man tells her to shut up, then he smashes the hood, the blonde starts giggiling louder, the man says to shut up, then he smashes her rear window, the blonde starts laughing hysterically, the man ask her "Whats so damn funny?" The blonde states, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle 3 times!"

2007-05-15 01:24:44 · 6 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

2007-05-15 00:34:57 · 11 answers · asked by Citizen Mac 6

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

2007-05-14 22:28:48 · 28 answers · asked by ? 4

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!"......USE MORE PAPER ON A*S*S!!"

2007-05-14 20:37:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole, but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy Joe for advice.

"It's those big, baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool," said Billy Joe. "They're years outa style. Yer best bet is to grab yerself a pair of spandex Speedos about two sizes too little, an' drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm tellin' ya, man, ya'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight spandex Speedos and his fist-sized potato. Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick.

Devastated, Bubba went back to his buddy, Billy Joe, and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"Lord-A'mighty, Bubba!" said Billy Joe, "the tater goes in the front!"

2007-05-14 20:33:35 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK, but if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Navy Chief!!!"

2007-05-14 20:30:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball.

She looked up at her customer, sitting across the table. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

2007-05-14 20:29:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were a blonde and a brunette driving and the brunette goes to the blonde, "Go check my blinker!"

"Does it work?"

Blonde:

"Yes"
"No"
"Yes"
"No"

2007-05-14 15:46:35 · 7 answers · asked by ♥KeLsEy♥ 4

1) If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

2) If a butcher is 6'2", what does he weigh?

3) What is significant about the following information? It was 12:34 pm on May 6th, 1978.

4) What can go up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up?

Must answer all 4 questions correctly for 10 pts.

2007-05-14 15:36:59 · 42 answers · asked by Chad F 3

I just said, "________________"

2007-05-14 15:31:42 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

This brunette walked into this shoe store for blondes and she noticed that TGIF was on all the shoes, she walked up to the sales clerk and said Gee, blondes must really like Fridays! The clerk said why do you say that? The brunette said because TGIF is on all the shoes! The clerk said Nope that stands for TOES GO IN FIRST!!!

2007-05-14 15:29:28 · 18 answers · asked by ♥KeLsEy♥ 4

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact.?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Whats a mans idea of foreplay.?
Half hour of begging.
A boy born with no eyelids is to have pioneering surgery using foreskins.
His parents just hope it doesn't make him cockeyed.
How does a welshman improve his girlfriends taste.?
Mint sauce.
Why did God create men.?
Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.
What do you call the insensitive part at the base of the penis.?
The man.
Why is there a hole in a guys penis.?
So air can get to his brain.
Why did the Irishman put ice in his condom.?
To try to bring the swelling down.
A policeman comes to tell Paddy's wife about his untimely death by drowning in a vat of beer. "Did he suffer.?" said the wife, "I don't think so" said the policeman "He came out three times to pee"
How do men sort their laundry.?
Dirty and dirty but wearable.
What do you 12 naked men sitting on each others shoulders.?
Scrotum pole.

2007-05-14 15:24:15 · 6 answers · asked by The Woman Behind the Man 3

2007-05-14 14:43:08 · 38 answers · asked by R 2

There is a smart guy and a dumb guy who take a job interview. The dumb guy (Bob) asks the smart guy (Mike) if he could copy the his answers. This is an oral and written test. Bob goes up first...
The interviewer asks Mike his questions first.
Who is the president of the United States?
Mike replies "It changes every four years but is currently George Bush."
Next question.....
When did America reach its independence?
Mike replies "They struggled in the 1700's but reached independence in 1776."
Final question....
Can children got to space?
Mike replies "Scientists are currently researching that now but when I find out, I will tell you.

Then Bob goes up. The interviewer can see that he is kind of dumb so she asks him easy questions.
Who is your father? the interview asks.
Bob looks off Mike's written report and replies "It changes every four years but is currently George Bush."
Then she asks him an easier question.
"When were you born?" Bob looks of Mike's report and says "

2007-05-14 14:14:24 · 28 answers · asked by GBPfan 3

would you write the word pony backwards after setting light to your flatulent gas?

2007-05-14 13:46:05 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

ROTFLOL

2007-05-14 13:02:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-14 11:26:18 · 30 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

what one would you say?

2007-05-14 10:58:14 · 24 answers · asked by Lisa T 6

they find a bottle, rub it, and *poof* out pops a genie.

"I will give you each a wish for freeing me."

"I wish me and my black brothers and sisters were in Africa living happy and free lives." stated the black man.

*poof* all black people are in Africa living happy and free lives.

"I wish me and my mexican brothers and sisters were in Mexico living happy and free live."

*poof* All mexicans are in mexico living happy and free lives.

The white guy looks at the genie and asks "Let me get this straight, all the blacks and hispanics are out of America?"

"Yes." replied the Genie.

"I will have a Coke, then."

2007-05-14 10:38:48 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok: How does the man who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?

Answer is less than 10 characters, 1 word, and, no stupid responses please

2007-05-14 10:27:20 · 12 answers · asked by Ba12348 5