Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

after all she has already been commander-in-chief for 8 years!

2007-05-14 10:25:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The woman in the prayer hall has.. HOPE IN HER SOUL
The woman in the bathroom has SOAP IN HER.............
(fill in the blank and dont blame me :)..LOL)

2007-05-14 10:17:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.

One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.

The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

2007-05-14 08:30:27 · 23 answers · asked by ? 4

A bloke in a temperance hall is giving a lecture on the evils of the demon drink. To illustrate his point, he'd got two glasses in front of him, each with a big worm in it. He poured water in one glass and whisky in the other. The worm in the glass of water swam happily about with no ill effects. The worm in the whisky, needless to say, died within a minute or so.
"Now," said the jubilant lecturer to his audience "what does that little experiment tell you?"

"It tells us,"said a voice from the back of the room, "if you've got worms you should drink a lot of whisky!"


I'm not saying my wife's a bad driver but....

I got home yesterday and found the car in the living room.
"How did you get there?" I screamed.
"Simple," came the reply. "When I got to the kitchen I turned left."

Sorry if they've been on here before. Thanks for looking!

Please star if funny...

2007-05-14 08:27:18 · 9 answers · asked by Pipsqueak 3

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

2007-05-14 08:25:22 · 17 answers · asked by ? 4

Two prostitutes walking down the street, they bump into each other. "Hello Tracy" the other says " Oh hello Sharon, how's business"? Tracy replies " I've been up to my flat 50 times today", to which Sharon says "Oh, your poor feet!"

2007-05-14 08:24:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar, approaches the bartender
and says; "I've been working on a top-secret
project on molecular genetics for the past five
years and I've just got to talk to someone about
it."

The bartender says; "Wait a minute. Before we
talk about that, just answer me a few questions.
When a deer defecates, why does it come out like
little pellets?"

The guy didn't know that. The bartender then
asks, "Why is it that when a dog poops, it lands
on the ground and looks like a coiled rope?"

The guy again says, "I don't have any idea." The
bartender then says, "You don't know ****! and
you want to talk about molecular genetics?"

2007-05-14 08:23:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late…"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

George said, "Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she’s lying on her back?"

George said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"

2007-05-14 08:14:19 · 12 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

2007-05-14 08:11:14 · 12 answers · asked by ? 4

There was 3 old men sitting on a bench in a park contemplating the difficulties of getting old. The first man says, "Oh, I can't remember the last time I had decent bowel movement. It's such a pain!"
The second old man says, "That's bad. I have a similar problem, but with my bladder and prostate".
The third old man says, "I must be lucky then! At 7 AM every morning I have a good dump, then at 8 AM a nice long pee. I just wish I could wake up by 9 AM".

2007-05-14 08:01:01 · 16 answers · asked by mjallan123 2

little boy says to his mate "my dad's got 2 willys" and his mate says "dont be stupid no one has 2 willys", he does I tell you, one for peeing with and the other for brushing my mums teeth with!!!!!!

2007-05-14 07:55:20 · 8 answers · asked by Magster 7

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

2007-05-14 07:50:47 · 10 answers · asked by Dave T 1

A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for be, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your pants,” she said. “That’s right,” said the husband, and don’t you ever forget it.” “I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.” With that she flipped him her panties and said, “ Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. “I can’t get into your panties!” She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until your f--king attitude changes!”

2007-05-14 07:30:51 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

.

A man speaks frantically into the phone.......


"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts..........

"This is her husband!"

2007-05-14 07:15:07 · 14 answers · asked by dteacher1uk 5

What do I get now? I want a big screen TV. Come on Yahoo, be nice.

2007-05-14 05:02:21 · 8 answers · asked by A 6

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Pooched Eggs on Toast.

2007-05-14 03:42:52 · 3 answers · asked by Trenese 5

One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"

"I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous," the second boy says.

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and
Jell-O. It's a breeze!"

"Well what are you here for?" the second kid asks.

"A circumcision." The first kid replys woefully.

The second kid says "Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"

2007-05-14 03:40:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.

2007-05-14 03:31:29 · 6 answers · asked by k9mpgsd 3

How can you tell if a woman's wearing nylons?











When she farts her ankles swell up

2007-05-14 03:19:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The cop got out of his car, and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
-----------------------

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, theyre dead.”

2007-05-14 03:14:34 · 14 answers · asked by ǝuoʎʞɔɐʍ 7

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery

2007-05-14 03:08:36 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to down town LA, bus station, to catch a bus to San Fransisco. He asked around and found one that was going to Seattle, passing trough SF, the bus driver noticed the guy is not very bright, he told them $50 to SF, nah that's to much the guy answered. Bus driver: OK give me $25 and seat on the floor, Nah says the guy again, finally the bus driver says OK give me $1 and run behind the bus. He liked that offer, and they got on the road. 24 hrs later they arrive in Seattle, and the bus stops. The guy started to beating the bus driver very hard, some people hold him back and ask him why R U beating the driver? He says, well i wanted to go to SF, and I kept yelling from behind the bus, stop stop. And this SOB did not.

2007-05-14 03:01:24 · 7 answers · asked by ? 5

A husband and a wife are sitting in there living room watching tv...then the door bell rings....the husband answers the door..and a delivery man brings in a big box....they open the box and suddenly a man comes out of the box....the husband not impressed says "who's that?" and the wife smiles and says..."isn't it obvious!..it's the instruction MANuel"

2007-05-14 02:47:05 · 10 answers · asked by canyougivemeanametoo 2

The host intrduces herself and says "You are what you eat" The Lesbian jums up and down and says "Are you calling me a c*nt!?"

2007-05-14 02:43:06 · 27 answers · asked by willie 57 3

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

2007-05-14 02:37:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd
been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are
sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play
with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is
not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! ... and Jimmy's
Mom wants to talk to you"!!

2007-05-14 02:35:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a man came home from work to find his wife standing at the top of the stairs dressed in basque, suspenders the lot.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."





So he tied her up and went golfing!

2007-05-14 02:34:02 · 23 answers · asked by x SexySian x 4

Snow white has been expelled from Disneyland X factor contest. She was caught sitting on Pinocchio’s face singing TELL ME LIES. TELL ME SWEET LITTLE LIES!!!!!!

2007-05-14 02:26:46 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

His dad reluctantly agrees. The next day johnny comes downstairs and asks his dad "What's Love Juice?"His dad looks horrified and tells little johnny all about sex. Johnny just sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement. Dad says "so what were you watching?" Johnny replies "Wimbledon!"

2007-05-14 02:25:12 · 8 answers · asked by willie 57 3

A bisexual made for two!

2007-05-14 02:17:25 · 7 answers · asked by fletchfredarnie 4