Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
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A blonde went to the dentist one day to have a tooth pulled and she was very nervous about it. The dentist noticed this and while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the woman so she wouldn't feel so nervous.
He asked, "Do you know how they make these gloves?" The woman shook her head. The doctor explained, "In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it again." The woman didn't even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not the panic.
So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn't even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.
In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out laughing and he had to stop in case she'd choke. He asked, "What's wrong?" She just laughed and said, "If that's how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms."
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A blonde, A brunette, and a red-head all died in a car crash, and they all went to heaven at the same time.
They arrive at the gates of heaven, when God appears and tells them they must pass a laughter test, if they fail, they will be sent to hell.
The objective was to climb 100 stairs without laughing. Each stair will have it's own joke.
The Brunette goes first, and laughs at the 46th stair.
The Red-Head goes second, and makes it to the 77th stair.
The Blonde, makes all the way to the 100th step, when she suddenly bursts out with laughter.
God asks "Why are you laughing now?"
The Blonde says "I just got the first joke".
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10. Viagra, it's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, the quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone
4. Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, we bring good things to life!
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis... This is your penis on drugs.
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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
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The sperm whale has the heaviest brain of any creature that ever lived on Earth.
Julius Caesar, the famous Roman emperor, had all the hair on his body plucked. Baldness in ancient times was a sign of mascilinity.
Charles Dickens got paid penny per word for his novels. (Thus explains the length of "A TALE OF TWO CITIES")
Dinosaurs burped and farted.
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before starving to death.
The shortest war in history was 38 minutes between England and Zanzibar.
A polar bear's skin is black. The fur is not white. It is actually clear.
William Shakespeare, the English genius, invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
Women blink twice as much as men.
On average, a right- handed person lives nine years longer than a left- handed person.
If the population of China passed you in a single file line, it would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
China has more English speakers than the USA.
The longest name for a town in the world is 167 letters.
The longest word in the English language contains 1909 letters. It is the name for a part of DNA.
Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with aa population of 1000 and an area of 108.7 acres.
An elephant walks on its three toes.
The whale is considered a mammal (creature with hair or fur). The hair on the whale is on its chin. It has three hairs.
A cow cannot give milk unless it has had a baby first.
The right arm of President Lincoln was longer than his left. This is because in the political campaigns, he would have his right arm shaked many times.
No portrait of Washington exist with his mouth open. He had wooden teeth and if were to open his mouth, his teeth would fall out.
Washington never chopped down a cherry tree.
Marie Antoinette never said "Let them eat cake." It was rumored that she did to stir hatred against her.
Some useless things to know for the fact of knowing.
The most common last name in the world is Patel.
The most common first name in the world is Mohammed.
No word in the English language rhymes with the words month, orange, purple, or silver.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Our stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks or else it will digest itself.
Our skin weighs twice as much as our brain.
An ostrich's eye is larger than its brain.
If you ever find yourself in the jaws of a crocodile, jam your thumbs into each of its eyes. It will release you instantly.
The first bomb dropped by the Allies in WW II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
If you being chased by an alligator or crocodile, run in a straight path rather than zig-zag. They can't see straight.
The best selling book in the history of man is the Bible.
The largest pyramid is not in Egypt but rather in the Yucatan (Mexico), built by the Mayans.
The Amazon River is the largest river in the world by volume.
If a octopus gets hungry eough, it'll eat its own arms, besides it has eight it can spare one or two.
When you sneeze, the air that comes out of your nose goes faster than that of a hurricane.
Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Who had the horrible idea of the word lisp having a 's' in it?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why is it in a film any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Why is it in a film most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Why is it in a film television news bulletins always contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Why is it in a film the door bell always rings at the end of a conversation, never in the middle.
Why is it in a film a detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
Why is it in a film if you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
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A mother taught her daughter about sex.
She said,"If somebody feels the top part of your body, say stop. If somebody touches the bottom part, say don't."
One day the daughter came to the mother and said,"A boy in my class touched both the top and bottom parts, so I said, don't stop!"
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Two virgins get married.
As their first night together approaches, they wonder what they are supposed to do. So they decide to call the bride's mother.
The mother tells them to get undressed. They do.
Then she tells the bride that the groom should put the "Hardest part of his body into where you go to the bathroom."
An hour later, when the bride's mother calls back and asks how everything went, the bride says, "Well, I don't know, he has his head stuck in the toilet bowl, now what?"

2007-05-15 16:17:29 · 15 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

and no one is around to hear it doe's it make a sound

2007-05-15 16:12:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Billinaire having a party and show his stuff to his employees and shows them this big olympic pool filled with alligators. He tells them that whoever can swim across without being eaten can a million dollars tax free and the hand of my beautiful daughter. Just like that there was a big splash and this guy swims faster then the alligators and makes it to the end of the pool and climbs out. The billionaire ask him what do you want the million dollars or my daughter? The man said neither ...just the ba******* who pushed me in.

2007-05-15 15:50:05 · 5 answers · asked by Sir $liq Rick 5

a chat thing?

2007-05-15 15:40:14 · 4 answers · asked by jusaliltrubl003@att.net 1

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? ..... Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? .... Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? .... They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? .... You Boil The Hell Out Of It
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? .... Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? .... Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? .... A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? .... Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? .... Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? .... Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? .... Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? .... Frostbite.
13. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? .... Anyone Can Roast Beef.
14. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? .... Right Where You Left Him.
15. Why Do Go

2007-05-15 15:38:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

See What 50 Years Will Do

1. Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
2. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
3. Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
4. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
5. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
6. Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.
1956 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2007 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.
7. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1956 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
8. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1956 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
9. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

2007-05-15 15:33:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant, “Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients."

"Yes, sir..." answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?"

Ole tells him he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!"

And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor.
"
I put eye drops in her eyes."

2007-05-15 15:20:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

cause he had no arms, stupid i kno heheh

2007-05-15 14:31:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mary and Ed's 10year anniversary was coming up and Ed had forgotten that it was their anniversary and mary was so mad she said that tomorrow whe wanted to find a present in her driveway that went from 0-200 in less than 6sec. The next day Ed left earlly to work and mary woke up to find that there was a small gift wrapped present in her driveway and she opened it up and a letter said "HOPE YOU LOVE YOUR NEW BATHROOM SCALE SWEETHEART"

2007-05-15 14:11:03 · 5 answers · asked by Maria 4

What is Greater that God
More Evil then the Devil
The Poor have It
The Rich need it
and If you eat it U'll die.............



It look me sooo long to figure this out

2007-05-15 13:57:38 · 16 answers · asked by Queeny25 2

What's black, depressed, and hasn't had a job in months?

2007-05-15 13:55:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

he went into a gas chamber

2007-05-15 13:45:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

2007-05-15 13:32:49 · 12 answers · asked by Martha Deacon 1

2007-05-15 13:22:21 · 15 answers · asked by lugnut 1

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you... You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday

2007-05-15 13:22:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Newfie was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Psssst, Twenty dollars . ." she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute or so, when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wifie!," he answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," says the newfie, "neider did I, til you shined dat damn
flashlight

2007-05-15 13:19:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-15 13:18:15 · 8 answers · asked by Jaire G 1

2007-05-15 13:15:33 · 8 answers · asked by Jaire G 1

A WOMANS POEM

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his mother used to do...

2007-05-15 12:46:07 · 10 answers · asked by kw2005rt 1

2007-05-15 12:33:17 · 19 answers · asked by curious 1

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the toilet, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"

2007-05-15 12:30:17 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a blackhead,a red head, and a blonde. They all applied for the same job. The blackhead was called in first. The man asked "whats your name?" and she said molly. Then he asked "how many ds are in indiana jones?" she said "one". Then he said she did a good job and he will get back to her. next the red head went in. she got asked the same questions and she answered them all correctly. The man said he will get back to her. Then the blonde went in. The man asked "whats your name?" she said "miranda". Then he asked, "how many ds are in indiana jones?" she paused. Then she wanted a calculator. he was confused but he let her borrow one. after calculating, she came up with the answer 42. The man said, "how the heck did you come up with that answer?" and she replied








"dont you know there are 32 ds in the indiana jones theme song?"

2007-05-15 12:27:39 · 8 answers · asked by sally h. 1

2007-05-15 11:37:46 · 9 answers · asked by lefty201 2

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

2007-05-15 11:26:14 · 12 answers · asked by Delvala 5

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs & stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and yells,

"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, as*hole! What makes you think you can stereotype blondes that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep blond women like me from being respected at work and in my community and from reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ...all in the name of humor!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up,

"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bast*rd on your knee

;-)

2007-05-15 11:13:40 · 20 answers · asked by BLING 4

2007-05-15 11:01:37 · 7 answers · asked by Huh 5

2007-05-15 10:55:09 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-15 10:46:18 · 7 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

2007-05-15 10:39:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

So when they first got married Bill told her to never open the box under neith their bed. One day a few years later the curiosity finally got her and she opened it and inside there was three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars. Hillary asked him what the beer cans ment and he said there's one for everytime I cheated on you and she said thats not bad since your on the road all the time. Just as she was walking out of the room she said where did you get the 1.5 million from and he said _______________________? What

2007-05-15 10:32:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous