Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

I can be what a girl needs most
I can be stuffed
I can be reliable
or I can be broken
hold on tight
or its down I'll be goin
What am I?

If you are the the first one to answer this riddle correctly
you will receive:
10 points (for having best answer)
an answer to at least 5 of your questions
and you can request for me to do 1 thing (which I will happily do)

Now what you need to do is put the answer to the riddle and then tell me 1 thing you would like for me to do.If you dont have a 1 request,then please put "no request" after your answer. If you do not make a request or put "no request" after your answer, then your answer is automatically wrong.

Good Luck!!!

2007-05-16 12:12:45 · 4 answers · asked by Warum liebst du mich? 2

was wondering if you will all give me a star so when i wake up in the morning it will be a lovely cheery start to my day.....

2007-05-16 12:11:33 · 18 answers · asked by ♥cardanja♥ 6

two girls were walking down the street holding hands. They look exactly alike, they are wearing the exact same clothing, and they pretty much like the same movies. why rnt they twins???????????????????????

2007-05-16 12:11:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

He heard boys pants were half off. lol

2007-05-16 12:08:58 · 15 answers · asked by danny 4

I can be written
I can be sound
I am there when you play a piano
But when the piano plays you can't see me.
What Am I?

2007-05-16 12:00:12 · 39 answers · asked by :)Dog Lover(: 2

was running for the bus, i saw the pole approaching quite fast at the traffic lights, as i kept on running, i looked around to see if the road was clear then BANG my boobs softened the impact but didnt soften the embaressment, i then continued to run for the bus which i got... hmm not one of my better days..

2007-05-16 11:55:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

2007-05-16 11:52:33 · 18 answers · asked by ♥ Sin Boldly ♥ 3

make sure you turn everything off and lock everything up before you join me nite nite x

2007-05-16 11:40:50 · 11 answers · asked by murphyslaw 2

PLEASE TELL
No hold's barred, spill the bean's

I'm waiting
BRING IT ON

;-)

2007-05-16 10:59:59 · 11 answers · asked by BLING 4

and finds his wife with a washing basket in one hand and a wok in the other. "Tidy!" he says, "are you cooking us chinese?"
"No" she says..."I'm about to iron your shirts !!"

2007-05-16 10:58:46 · 13 answers · asked by ♥cardanja♥ 6

Type the most random thing you can think of. I need a good laugh.

2007-05-16 10:53:19 · 33 answers · asked by k-ma; <3 3

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.

After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right year Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

2007-05-16 10:49:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass

2007-05-16 10:48:57 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Never Show Up Late!
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!

2007-05-16 10:47:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Theres 2 guys that are in a bar thats on top of a cliff.

The first one sez ''hey come and look at this'' and walks to the edge of the cliff.
the first guy jumps off the cliff, catches the wind in his coat and flies back up.
''wow howd u do that?''
'' u just gotta wear a coat and catch the wind in it, its easy''
so the second guy tries and falls to his death. the first guy walks back into the bar and the bartender sez

''wow u can be an a.s.shole went ur drunk superman''

2007-05-16 10:46:41 · 7 answers · asked by skxu 3

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms !"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe !"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

"Bishop, who was this man ?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,



( scroll down )





" ................ BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"





WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.

I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened ? Who is this man ?" the first monk asked breathlessly.



"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but..."





(. . . Wait for it ...)




(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)






"HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."

2007-05-16 10:46:13 · 20 answers · asked by jabelite 3

2 women are coming home from a night out, they stop in a church yard for a wee. 1 wipes herself on her knickers and throws them away the other uses a wreath, The next night their husbands are in the pub, 1 says I'll have to watch my wife she came home without her knickers last night, the other said that's nothing I found a card stuck in my wife's @$$ that said - from all the lads at the fire station, we'll never forget you.

2007-05-16 10:46:09 · 10 answers · asked by cleocat 5

With such high speed,

That it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her Bloody gob shut!.

;-)

2007-05-16 10:40:26 · 26 answers · asked by BLING 4

there was two nuns and a vicar...

the first nun who was 60 would give the vicar a bath every nightas she has done for 40 years...but one night she wasn't able to so she asked the other nun who was about 20 to give him his bath. she said okay what do i need to do??

The nun replied well you must do everything he says but never look under the bubbles.

The next day the second nun wals in with a smile on her face all happy. The first nun asks 'what are you so happy about?'
the second nun replies 'well im going to heaven?' the fist nun says 'well how do you know that?'

The second nun replies 'well last night the vicar said to me 'if my key fits your lock then you will go to heaven' ans indeed it did fit'

The first nun [annoyed] replies 'and for 40 years he told me it was a tenor horn and i have to blow it'


what do you think? star if you like...***

2007-05-16 10:35:46 · 3 answers · asked by alexandra 2

i have a math teacher thats obbsesed with penquins and in her suggestion box im gonna put a note thats written with letters cut out from a magazine and its gonna say"we have your penquin" and put a picture of a stuffed penquin tied to a chair with a be be gun to its head

what do ya think

2007-05-16 10:26:48 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-16 10:24:03 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,
she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters.
She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none,
she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw,
in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked
around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the
day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom
and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written
in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by
the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub
it, the bigger it
gets!

2007-05-16 10:17:24 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde had a large bandage around her right ear ..her friend asked what she had done..she said she had burnt it
her friend asked how..she said i was ironing and the phone rang

2007-05-16 10:13:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your *** before the day was over.

2007-05-16 10:12:55 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ya momma so ugly it looks like her face caught fire and they put it out with a fork.

2007-05-16 10:03:57 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ya momma so ugly her shadow quit.

2007-05-16 10:03:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ya momma so hairy she has afros( a style of hairdo) on her nipples

2007-05-16 09:59:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ya momma so fat, when she wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions.

2007-05-16 09:54:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

2007-05-16 09:54:12 · 10 answers · asked by Dana 2

Yo momma so old she used to babysit Yoda.

2007-05-16 09:54:00 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous