Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

What would you do next week, next month??

2007-05-17 05:11:06 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-17 04:44:56 · 7 answers · asked by George 3

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied

2007-05-17 04:37:53 · 11 answers · asked by myladybeau 3

After reading about the dead rat and vomit I remembered;

The old lady who stopped coming to church

so the preacher went to her house and asked why whe
hadn't been to service

As he sat she got up to take some meds and replied I
have a serious mouth infection and it's a bloody mess

He just happened to notice some peanuts on the coffee table and began to eat them He said to her whered you find these
large peanuts on the table they have a peculiar taste to them

She replied oh those,? I could only suck the chocolate off

1Cor 13:13

2007-05-17 03:07:17 · 11 answers · asked by manoman 4

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Chili," she says, "But the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him said: "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too"

2007-05-17 02:03:29 · 12 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

father and son are driving down the interstate when all of a sudden a huge truck hits them, causing a terrible accident. the father is killed instantly, while the son is rushed away to the hospital. in the ER, the doctor walks in, and says, "I cannot operate on this person. He is my son" Whose the doctor?

2007-05-17 00:55:42 · 23 answers · asked by Alan N 2

Because everyone needs a rough draft before creating a masterpiece!!

2007-05-17 00:54:38 · 45 answers · asked by Jenni 4

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £95, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

2007-05-17 00:47:58 · 16 answers · asked by billtheangler 5

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Jack or Jill. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Jill came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Jill, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like sh*t."

2007-05-17 00:41:29 · 11 answers · asked by billtheangler 5

2007-05-17 00:02:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-16 23:13:42 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-16 23:11:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-16 23:10:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys'
side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good . )
We always hear " the rules " From the female side .
Now here are the rules from the male side .


These are the rules!
Please note. . these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1 . Men ARE not mind readers .
1 . Learn to work the toilet seat .
You're a big girl . If it's up, put it down .
We need it up, you need it down .
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down .
1 . Sunday sports . It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides .
Let it be .
1 . Shopping is NOT a sport .
And no, we are never going to think of it that way .
1 . Crying is blackmail .
1 . Ask for what you want .
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1 . Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question
1 . Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it . That's
What we do .
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for .
1 . A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem . See a doctor .
1 . Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument .
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days .
1 . If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us
To act like soap opera guys .
1 . If you think you're fat, you probably are .
Don't ask us .
1 . If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one . .
1 . You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done .
Not both .
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself .
1 . Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials .
1 . Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we .
1 . ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings .
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit . We
have no idea what mauve is .
1 . If it itches, it will Be scratched .
We do that .
1 . If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong .
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle .
1 . If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
You don't want to hear .
1 . When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine .
Really .
1 . Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf .
1 . You have enough clothes .
1 . You have too many shoes .
1 . I am in shape . Round IS a shape!

2007-05-16 21:52:59 · 17 answers · asked by mandy 3

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied,
"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.!
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat,
into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

2007-05-16 21:19:17 · 18 answers · asked by mandy 3

2007-05-16 18:59:14 · 6 answers · asked by chandresh v 1

funny or no jokes at all i thought that was the point?

2007-05-16 16:32:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

and give me some Ideas
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

14 men and 1 woman ended up in Iraqi waters; guess who was reading the map


"All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital."

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
Give her a shovel.

A man working in an office was in love with a lady.but he knew that the lady had a boyfriend.one day, he asked the lady.
'can i sex u for 100 dollars?'
the lady said 'no way.'
'i won't take time. i will throw the money on the ground nd will sex with u till u pick up the money.'
the lady agreed.the day they were sexing the lady's boyfriend waited at the door.after about an hour,the lady came out.the boyfriend asked.
'why did u take so long?'
'oh love,i had to.he sexed me so nicely.and just because he threw the money in coins

fifteen year old walks up to his friend, and tells him he has as relationship problem. "Ya see, there's this girl at swimming, she's real cute. I always get erections when I look at her. And you know what it looks like to have one in a bathing suit..." His friend tells him to tape his dick to his leg. The next day, he goes up to the girl and kicks her into the pool, tragically ending their relationship.

After you've dated someone, it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:


A Litre of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A Litre of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly. "


A housewife wakes up late one night to what sounds like shattering glass in her living room below. Taking the utmost precaution, she puts on her nightgown, and tip-toes downstairs. She sees her husband sitting on his recliner with all the fine drinking glasses and two half full bottles of liquor next to him. Across the room there is a mountain of shattered glass. The husband pours a fresh glass, quickly drinks it, and throws it across the room with a loud CRACK! adding to the glass pile. "Whats the matter, honey?" the wife asks.
"I don't wanna talk about it," the husband replies.
The wife says, "Dear, you can talk to me about anything you know that."
"Well, you know when your dad caught us having sex the night you lost your virginity?"
"Yes?" she says.
"And he told me I could either marry you or spend 20 years in jail."
"Yeah. So?"
"I would've gotten out today."

2007-05-16 15:36:48 · 13 answers · asked by Micky D 3

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.

They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they
stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off
her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my
panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her *** that read, "We will never forget you".

2007-05-16 14:06:02 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pervertish boy thought he had Britney Spears' number, so he called her, a hispanic woman picked up and greeted him with a Hello This is McDonalds The Place Where the Beef is cow ****! How may I help you?

2007-05-16 13:53:43 · 8 answers · asked by 000 2

this is for fun not for food and im askin cuz its funny maybe perverted but funny

2007-05-16 13:48:46 · 13 answers · asked by Elle H 2

Stupid Husband!

Chuck forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at
him. Claudia told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE
THERE."

The next morning, Chuck got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple
of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a
small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused,
Claudia put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the
house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Chuck is not yet well enough to have visitors.

2007-05-16 13:29:29 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-16 13:25:05 · 13 answers · asked by In Honor of Moja 4

A woman walks up to a ministers pulpice and says to the minister "I helped plan 9/11." So the minister tells her to drink from some holy water to repent for her sins. Another woman walks in a says "I stole a great rewood by using part of it for firewood." So the minister says drink from the holy water to repent for your sins. The last woman comes in and says "I peed in the holy water." the minister says to drink drink the rest of the holy water and suffer to repent for your sins.

2007-05-16 13:24:37 · 9 answers · asked by WHO STOLE THE HOT SAUCE? 2

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Sarah: HIJKLMNO
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Student: Yesterday you said it is H to O



Teacher: Now Sam tell me frankly do you say your prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook



Teacher: Willy name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago
Willy: Me



Teacher: Tommy why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I am a lot closer to the ground than you are







Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: George



Silvia: Daddy can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Silvia: Your name on this report card.



Teacher: How do you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don’t bite any





Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
Ellen: I is
Teacher: No Ellen, always say, “I am”
Ellen: All right, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.



Teacher: Can anybody give an example of a “COINCIDENCE”?
Johnny: “Sir, my mother and father got married same day same time.”



Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree but admitted doing it. Do you know why his father did not punish him?
Johnny: Because George still has the axe in his hand.





Teacher: Why are you late?
Johnny: Because of the sign
Teacher: What sign?
Johnny: School Ahead! Go Slow

2007-05-16 13:22:35 · 27 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

People don't always listen to what i have to say, but no matter what they do I'll never go away.

If you do what you know is right then you'll have no need to fear but if you do what you know is wrong then I’m afraid you have to hear.

This lesson that i teach you until you understand, because it's the greatest lesson you can learn throughout the land.

2007-05-16 12:55:13 · 22 answers · asked by CherrySunshine 3

A 30 stone woman is invited to a fancy dress party but she can't decide what to go as. After weeks of going on about it her husband finaly snaps and shouts.....

"why don't you just undress, pull your pu55y lips over your head and go as a sugerpuff!!!!!"

2007-05-16 12:25:31 · 26 answers · asked by Just Me Returns 2

2007-05-16 12:21:21 · 6 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

they are made of plastic and little boys turn them on

2007-05-16 12:17:08 · 13 answers · asked by ☮ Heroin[e] ☮ 3

2 small fries

2007-05-16 12:13:11 · 15 answers · asked by nyninchdick 6