Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

she forgot to take the tissues out of the box!

2007-05-18 13:06:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does it wipe your @ss on the way out?

2007-05-18 12:41:36 · 8 answers · asked by ? 4

Clyde died in a fire and was burnt badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent. Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said, "Yup, he is burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolls him over and Clem looks and says, "Nope that aint Clyde."
The mortician thought that was strange.
Then he brought Zeke in to identify the body, Zeke looked and said, "Well he is burnt very bad, Roll him over,"
So the mortician rolled him over,and Zeke looked down and said, "No that aint Clyde."
The mortician bewildered asked, "How can you tell?"
Zeke says, " Well , Clyde had two a**holes."
"What? he had two a**holes?" says the mortician.

"Yup," Clem and Zeke reply.
"Everyone in town knew he had two a**holes."

"Every time, we went to town, folk would say, "Here comes Clyde with them two a**holes."

2007-05-18 12:08:44 · 18 answers · asked by raybbies 5

2007-05-18 11:49:58 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a lady sitting in her husbands boat reading.The boat contained all of his fishing equipment.

So a police pull over,"Sorry missus, i will have to fine you for fishing."said the policeman.

"Why? i ain't doing anything?"

"Yes,but you have the equipment to."

"Fine if you fine me, I will charge you with sexual harrasment!"

"Why? I didn't do anything?"

"True, but you have the equipment to!"

2007-05-18 11:47:26 · 21 answers · asked by Mickey 2

A child went up to his teacher and told her he found a dead cat. "How do you know it's dead?" asked his teacher. "Because I pissed in it's ear, and it didn't wake up." Replied the child. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed. "You know, I went pppssssttt, in it's ear, and it didn't wake up!"

2007-05-18 11:37:20 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. "Sorry Officer!" says the man "but i just stole this car and im trying to get away safely." "This car is stolen?" says the cop. "yes sir. i had to beat an old lady with a gun to get this car." "you beat an old lady with a gun?!" the cop says. "Ya, her body is in the trunk and the gun is in the glove department, next to all my weed!" "OK son, stay there, i need to call for back up." so 5 mins later, back up comes and the chief cop says,"excuse me sir, i need to see the inside of your trunk, the glove department, and your license and registration." "um sure. whats the problem?" says the man and does as hes told. there is no body in the trunk, no weed or weapon in the glove department, and he has all the papers for the car, it was his. "hmm. my officer just said the car was stolen and you put a lady in the trunk and there was a gun and weed in the glove department" "WHAT? that *****. i bet he said i was speeding too" and drove away safely."

2007-05-18 11:33:01 · 12 answers · asked by danny 4

IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You aren

2007-05-18 11:19:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy with a speech impediment --- he stutters – gets a job selling books door-to-door.
On his first day, the sales manager gives him some books and sends him out and a five o’clock the salesman returns with all receipts, no books.
The second day, the sales manager loads him up with more books than the firs day and sends him out. The salesman, returns at five o’clock with all the receipts, no books.
This goes on for a few days, and the sales manager calls him in and says, “This is truly amazing,” “In a few days you have sold more books than my top salesman does in a week. What’s your sales pitch?”
“W-w-well,” says the salesman, “I s-s-say, ‘D-d-do, y-y-you w-w-want t-t-to b-b-buy a b-b-b-book or d-d-do y-y-you w-want m-me t-to r-read it t-to y-you?

2007-05-18 11:12:54 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

banana

banana who?

banana banana

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

banana

banana who?

banana banana

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

banana

banana who?

banana banana

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

banana

banana who?

banana banana

Knock Knock?

Who's the there?

orange

orange who?

orange you gald i didn't say banana again?

2007-05-18 10:59:31 · 18 answers · asked by ? 6

Paddy and his wife can't get to sleep becasue of the dog barking in the yard next door....."right "say paddy and goes out. 10 minutes later he's back, "what did you do"? asks his wife, "I've put the little bast*rd in our yard, see how they like it"!

2007-05-18 10:56:27 · 12 answers · asked by cleocat 5

"a man is wearing black; shoes, trousers, ski mask, and black gloves. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its lights off, but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?"

2007-05-18 10:50:10 · 19 answers · asked by inqisitive me 1

THE MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

THE MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy

2007-05-18 10:38:20 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

local farmers are calling on police for help today after having planted a field of vibrators, they are having trouble with squatters!!

2007-05-18 10:31:55 · 6 answers · asked by xtina 3

Calmness in Our Lives

I am passing this on because it DEFINITELY works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off 23 Bud Lights, a bottle of Absolute, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have NO idea how freaking good I feel!!! What a great way to inner peace!

2007-05-18 10:30:09 · 7 answers · asked by Paint Pony 5

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work,
medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"

2007-05-18 10:29:43 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Name potential Movie titles that are so sappy/lame/etc that you know they are on the Lifetime channel just by looking at them!

2007-05-18 10:09:18 · 16 answers · asked by Kristine R 4

A bear and a rabbit were sitting next to each other behind a bush taking a dump. The bear looks over and asks the rabbit "Do you ever have a problem with poop stickin to your fur?" Rabbit says "Nope Never." The bear says "Good" Grabs the rabbit and wipes his butt.

2007-05-18 10:05:34 · 8 answers · asked by jimapalooza 5

Rabbit's Revenge

Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other guts.

One day whilst arguing in the forrest, the bear lost his temper and kicked an old lamp that had been left by campers.

To their surprize a genie popped out and granted them each three wishes. The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." His wish was granted.

The Genie turned to the rabbit who said "I want a motorcycle helmet." And he got his wish.

"And for your second wish bear?" Demanded the genie, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." He got his wish.

The rabbit without delay took his second wish, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet."

"Final wish bear!" Bellowed the genie. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." After having his wish granted he smirked at the rabbit and strutted off into the forrest.

The rabbits eyes lit up, he turned to the genie and he said, "For my last wish, I wish that bear was gay."

2007-05-18 09:57:48 · 19 answers · asked by drew d 3

A woman walks into a bar sees a man she thought was cute but before she goes up to him she has a look round first but she could not find anyone better looking so the woman goes up to the man and says can i buy u a drink the man says yes bar tennder can u get me another energy drink,the woman goes to the man why do u call it a energy drink the man replays it makes me fly,the woman says yes right prove it so the man goes up to the window jumps out and flys round the building three times and comes back in and goes see it gives u energy so the woman goes to the bar tender i want what he having so she gets an energy drink,drinks it all jumps out the window but she feel,the bar tender goes up to the guy and goes superman you can be a mean when your drunk!

2007-05-18 09:57:17 · 11 answers · asked by crissy 1

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer"Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there

2007-05-18 09:54:18 · 10 answers · asked by queenmackerel 5

2007-05-18 07:55:55 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Caller: What would be an alternate way to print a document if your mouse pointer wont move?

Techinician: Press control and p on your keyboard

Caller: I'm not gonna do that!

2007-05-18 07:23:03 · 8 answers · asked by pocketful_of_sunshine 4

Friend 1 : My wife has water phobia
Friend 2 : How do u know?
Friend 1 : Yesterday evening when i reached home, she was siting in the bath tub with the security gaurd :)

bikh bikh bikh

2007-05-18 06:55:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three dogs and they are in love with one poodle. She then says "Who ever makes the best sentence out of liver and cheese gets a date with me". The first one says "I hate cheese" "no" she replied. The next one went "I love liver and cheese" "no" she said. The last one said
" Liver alone cheese mine" which sounds like leave her alone she is mine!!! STAR ME IF YOU THINK ITS FUNNY!

2007-05-18 06:51:29 · 49 answers · asked by naynay 1

Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher what the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."

She immediately started yelling at the top of her lungs.

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!"

The butcher was totally taken back by this while he whimpered, "Oh, no ma'am it's called the 'damn ham.'" She bought one of the hams.

Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the "damn ham." He also immediately started yelling at the top of his lungs.

"HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!"

She was also taken back by this and whimpered that it was the "damn ham."

At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicious meal was. Their father (the preacher) said that it was the "damn ham."

Their son was quite happy with this. In fact he said, "That's the spirit, Dad, now pass the F******g potatoes."

2007-05-18 06:40:11 · 26 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

What are your most "rich" parts? lol

2007-05-18 06:27:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

i like t stick things in outlets like metel objects

2007-05-18 06:25:04 · 12 answers · asked by matt m 1

Hick Prom There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?" He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?" "You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?" "Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!" "Well, are you taking somebody else out?" "You know I don't have a date, Sis." "And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other." The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday. At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again. "Hey, brother, let's dance." He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?" "Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?" "Oh . . . all right." So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time. In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home." He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?" "Oh, I don't know. Just drive around." He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to park?" "Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!" "Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us-- how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?" So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again. "Hey . . . " she says. "What?" "Why don't you kiss me?" "You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car. She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it." "Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind. "You know what," his sister replied. "I can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off. While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad." "I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."

2007-05-18 06:21:15 · 16 answers · asked by FuriousRain007 4

TWO WAYS TO LOOK AT IT!
A man and wife were sitting at a table at his high school reunion,
and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," He sighed, "she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."
"Good grief!" says his wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

2007-05-18 06:19:28 · 22 answers · asked by chris w. 7