Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

A woman finds her husband sitting at the dinning room table in the middle of the night with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses choked up. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?" "Yes."

The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too." she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."

2007-05-18 22:01:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cowboy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a shot of tequila, slams it down and orders another, slams that one down and orders a third. After the third the bartender is getting concerned and asks him why he is drinking so much. "First blo-job" is the mans reply. Upon hearing this the bartender pours another shot and says, "In that case have one more on me".

The man shakes his head and says "Thanks a lot, but if three didn't get the taste out I doubt a fourth one will"

2007-05-18 21:54:30 · 8 answers · asked by blakereik 4

Because the preacher told him "four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse....."

2007-05-18 21:52:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

of them stands up and says "Stranger before you do or say anything, let me tell you this. In this town we shoot first and ask questions after. You understand me?" The stranger looks up and one swift action draws his gun and shoots him dead. The saloon is silent as the stranger walks over leans over the man he has just shot and says.

"Do you know where the post office is?"

2007-05-18 21:41:08 · 19 answers · asked by Doodle 6

He couldn't get his knob out of the chicken!

2007-05-18 21:33:22 · 20 answers · asked by Doodle 6

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

2007-05-18 21:16:38 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."

2007-05-18 21:06:40 · 12 answers · asked by barz 2

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As
they are passing the elephant exhibit the
youngster looks over at the elephant. After a
few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks 'Dad,
what's that hanging down from the elephant?'

His father replies 'That's his trunk son.'

'No, no, Dad,' says the boy, 'at the back.'

'Oh, that's his tail' replies his father.

'No, Dad,' the boy says, 'Between his legs.'

The father looks over and replies 'That's his
penis, son.'

The young lad thinks about the answer for a
minute, and then says to his father 'Last week
Mommy told me that was nothing.'

'Well son,' replies his father, 'You have to
remember that your mother is a very spoiled
woman.'

2007-05-18 20:37:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large BIC cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch BIC?"

2007-05-18 20:06:34 · 9 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested

2007-05-18 19:56:16 · 5 answers · asked by Nitro 2

Three generations of women in a family are sitting together, having a conversation, when the youngest goes:
"It getting pretty rough now days. I can only get $50 for blo-j."
Her mother answers, "Well, when I was younger, we only got $20, and were expected to swallow."
Then the grandmother replies, "We were just happy to get a hot meal, and a place to sleep."

2007-05-18 19:45:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three old ladies sitting at a park bench, feeding birds, talking about their sons, when one says to the others:
"My son is a preist, and people call him father."
then the second says,
"That's nothing, my son is a cardinal, and they call him mon signor."
The third says:
"Mine is a male dancer, and the call him god."

2007-05-18 19:39:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place!


What is it?

2007-05-18 19:13:05 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a man who decided he hated his life in the city, and that he was going to live in a nudist colony instead.

As he was a respected man, he decided it would be best for him to just say he was moving to New York. After a few months of naked bliss, he got a letter from his mother saying, "Dear son, as I have no recent photos of you, can you please send me the most recent one you have? Love, Mum."

Well, the man didn't have any photos of himself that didn't show him naked, so he decided to chop one in half and send just the top half. A few weeks later, he got a letter from his mum saying, "Thanks for the photo, and could you send another to your grandma?" And so he did, BUT...he made a mistake and sent her the wrong half. The man got really upset but then remembered his Gran's poor eyesight, and he decided it would be okay.

Two weeks later, he gets a letter back from his Gran saying: "Dear Jerry, I think your photo is great. But you really should change your hairstyle, as it makes your nose look too big."

2007-05-18 19:02:30 · 23 answers · asked by oo00dawn00oo 4

Asprin.......held firmly between the knees.

2007-05-18 18:56:00 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a big house the children slept on the ground floor while their parents slept on the first floor. Amongst the children was an eight year boy. Every night, he heard noises coming from their parents bedroom which used to last for a couple of hours.

One night he tip-toed up the internal staircase and gently opened the door to his parents bedroom.He was surprised to see his mother sitting astride his father's belly and jumping up and down, whilst his father groaning away.

Next day the boy asks his mother "mom why were you jumping on father's stomach, poor fellow was groaning away" The mother, taken by surprise retorded" you see, your father has so much gas in his stomach, that I was jumping on him to remove it." Out came the boy's retort Mummy, it's no use doing this ; because as soon as you leave for work in the morning our next door neighbour Susan comes and fills up all the air into him back again"

2007-05-18 18:50:43 · 16 answers · asked by oo00dawn00oo 4

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you'velearned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

2007-05-18 18:20:30 · 13 answers · asked by Bhaskar 3

spotted a bear outside! What color was the bear?

2007-05-18 17:48:11 · 13 answers · asked by drunkandisorderly 3

2007-05-18 17:47:59 · 30 answers · asked by wizeman 2

- The moon is our pocket watch.
Behold, the forest is blooming. The new summer is approaching us. The water is warm, the air is crisp and the apples are fresh (and crisp as well). Three of me best mates and I are currently working on our new album in the far west regions of New America. I have the whiskey, one has new shoes, one has the moustache and one has the blues. I might have lost my mind but I have found my soul. You might have heard our songs but you haven’t heard our goals, world domination, beginning with the north and moving down along the map. Wait steadily, as you would on Christmas morning. Presents will come and breakfast is the best.
-Jonathan Jacob Walker - 09.17.1985


If you can figure out a phone number from this, please tell.Are code included

2007-05-18 17:36:03 · 7 answers · asked by Jorgy411 2

As you know, Vancouver will host the 2010 Winter Olympics. Here are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto, can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. ( Italy )
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: When did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the ViennaBoys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , right after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

2007-05-18 17:26:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-18 17:19:48 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sometimes I run out....what am I????

2007-05-18 17:06:17 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

plz answer!!!!

2007-05-18 16:48:25 · 8 answers · asked by ? 1

2007-05-18 15:38:57 · 19 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

Harold was an old man who was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing.

The juice was apple juice. So .. You know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today ."

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted.....Old Harold just smiled!

2007-05-18 14:17:45 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

What did the cougar say to the rabbit? First correct answer gets 10 points.

2007-05-18 14:14:48 · 6 answers · asked by Kevin H 7

I'm tired, For a couple of years, Other people have been blaming it on, Iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, and a dozen other maladies, truth be known, now mathematically, I Am Overworked..lol.

Theory.

The population of a Country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by govenment.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the armed forces.
So 15 million to do the work.

14.800.000 work for state and city govenment, that leaves 200.000 to do the work.

There are188,000 in hospitals,, So that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and Me.

And You are sitting there , playing on the computer..

Am I the only one working, No Wonder I am Tired

2007-05-18 14:12:30 · 13 answers · asked by raybbies 5

He's watching his flock when this limousine pulls up. Guy in an expensive suit gets out and says "If I can guess how many cows you have, will you give me one?" and the rancher says "ok".
Guy gets on his cell phone, makes a call, waits a few minutes, and says "183". Rancher says "that's right" and the guy grabs an animal and starts to get into the car. Rancher says "hold on. I want a chance to win him back. If I can tell you what you do for a living, will you give him back?" and the guy says ok.
Rancher immediately says "You are a politician." Guy is dumbfounded but says "that's right, how did you know?"
"It was simple. You came out here where you weren't invited. You charged me for telling me something I already knew, and you obviously don't know anything about ranching."

"Now gimme back my dog."

2007-05-18 13:29:22 · 6 answers · asked by open4one 7

what is black and white all over

2007-05-18 13:11:31 · 15 answers · asked by sumit_batra 3