Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that
Fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning.

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

2007-05-17 14:36:38 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

a guy is near the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.


Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!


I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!!!"

2007-05-17 14:20:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Which man in the Bible had no parents?
A: Joshua, the sone of Nun.(none)

Q: Who was the smallest man in the Bible?
A: The apostle Peter, he slept on his watch.

Q: Which toy did David use to slay Goliath?
A: A slinky-shot.(sling-shot)

2007-05-17 14:10:38 · 7 answers · asked by ? 1

2007-05-17 13:36:45 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

ook!

2007-05-17 13:22:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-17 13:08:49 · 12 answers · asked by W 4

A frenchman,a Englishman, a Mexican, and a Texan were all on a private plane soaring over the ocean when the poilet came on over the speaker and said "we're having some difficulties and we need 3 of you to jump and we can only save one of you.So the English man gets up and yells God save the Queen then he jumps. The Frenchman gets pumped up and yells "Viva la France" and then he jumps. Then the Texan gets up and yells "Remember the Alamo" and then he grabs the Mexican and throws him out.

2007-05-17 12:56:38 · 10 answers · asked by Maria 4

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that ****". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

2007-05-17 12:29:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

2007-05-17 12:20:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is a blonde joke and tell me if its funny.

There were 3 girls stuck on an island, one was a redhead, one was brunette, and one was blonde. the redhead decided to try and swim to the mainland to get help. she maid it 1/8 of the way and then drowned. the brunette decided to try next, so she swam 1/4 of the way, but she got too tired and drowned. the blonde was desperate now, so she decided to try and swim to the mainland. she made it 1/2 of the way, got tired, and swam back. funny?

2007-05-17 12:12:28 · 10 answers · asked by Little Yellow 4

anyone have any Humorous questions like that one..come on with em.

2007-05-17 11:59:11 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?" The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"

The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone,the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing. "That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!"

So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."

"Sausage?" says the first. "I ate the sausage about eight bars ago!"

2007-05-17 11:56:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...’’
He is interrupted by the doctor. “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral
s-e-x. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.

Two weeks go by and the man is back. “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”

2007-05-17 11:51:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

2007-05-17 11:46:59 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Let's try this: I start out with the number 1, and some Yahoo! Answer user types the number 2, and so on and so forth. Here's the deal: no number can be repeated at all! Ex. I write "1" someone writes "2", someone else writes "2" as well! We only got to two! Have Fun! P.S. As soon as we come to an end, I'll start it over again!

2007-05-17 11:45:59 · 22 answers · asked by Mr. Smith 2

What house is green and made of Glass?

2007-05-17 11:36:52 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man rode to town on Thursday
And stayed all night at the inn;
Then rode home upon the same Thursday-
How could such a marvel had been?

2007-05-17 11:25:04 · 27 answers · asked by yaz 2

2007-05-17 11:16:59 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

the union jack flag to a c0nd0m coz it more accurately reflects the governments political stance. A c0nd0m allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pr1cks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being screwed. IT JUST CANNOT GET MORE ACCURATE THAN THAT !

Star if you like it.....

2007-05-17 11:01:51 · 18 answers · asked by yahoobloo 6

because when she comes into your life its all wet n wild...

when she leaves she takes the house and car with her...

do i get a star?

2007-05-17 10:26:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

aids

2007-05-17 09:53:27 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

2007-05-17 09:27:03 · 24 answers · asked by medallion 2

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one

Madonna doesnt have one

And the Pope doesnt use his

What is it?

Answer will be with the bets answer comment if no one gets it.

2007-05-17 09:09:09 · 24 answers · asked by Melanie 3

A duck walks into 7-11.
He says, "Have you got any grapes?"
The guy says, "No."

The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into 7-11.
He says, "Have you got any grapes?"
The guy says, "No, we haven't got any grapes."

The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into 7-11.
He says, "Have you got any grapes?"
The guy says, "Listen, Daffy, this is the third day in a row I'm telling you we haven't got any grapes. You walk in here and ask for grapes one more time, I'm gonna nail your stupid webbed feet to the floor."

The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the 7-11.
He says, "Do you have any nails?"
The guy says, "No."
The duck says, "Good. Have you got any grapes?"

2007-05-17 09:05:49 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

They both come on little white crackers!

2007-05-17 09:00:44 · 6 answers · asked by chillwilly93 3

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they argued, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night....
Even the neighbours feared him. They regularly heard him scream at his wife -
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared by all & he loved the respect that he got from this mystical reputation.

Then one day, he died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow......

2007-05-17 08:28:49 · 54 answers · asked by pink.jazzz 3

A blond is in a department store and sees a thermos. She asks a salesmen "What the heck is that thing?" He says "It's a thermos; It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "That's amazing!" she says "I've got to have one of those!" So she buys it.

She's at work the next day, with her thermos, and her boss walks in and says "Whatcha got there?" She says "It's a Thermos; it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

Her boss says "I see. Whatcha got in it now?" She says "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle!"

2007-05-17 07:11:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an Irishman in the middle of a cornfield rowing a boat,
when another Irish bloke drove by,

The bloke in the car got out and shouted to the one in the boat.............................

"It's t w @ t s like you that give the rest of us Irish a bad name"

"And if i could swim, i'd come over there and teach you a
f @ c k i n g lesson!!!!"


And before anyone says anything my family are Irish, so loosen up!!!

2007-05-17 07:03:24 · 23 answers · asked by ? 6

Fe Fi Fo Fum... __________

2007-05-17 06:31:12 · 20 answers · asked by princess526_2001 4

2007-05-17 05:36:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous