Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

2007-05-18 06:10:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

2007-05-18 05:57:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dave was down his local when a beautiful girl walked in. The pub was full and there was only one place to sit – next to Dave. Always the friendly guy, Dave decided to strike up a conversation with his pretty new neighbour. But as soon as he said, “Hello, Miss...” she turned to him and screamed at the top of her lungs, “WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DO YOU THINK I AM, YOU PERVERT!?!?”

This caught him off guard, and all of his friends in the pub were glaring at him for supposedly trying to molest this newcomer. He slouched down as far as he could on his stool, and looked down at what he knew would be his last drink in the pub in a long time.

After a few minutes of awkwardness the lady said to Dave, “I'm sorry if I scared or embarrassed you. I'm a Psychology student and I'm doing a study on what happens to an innocent person when they are falsely accused of something in public. Please don't take it personally. We're friends, right? Shake hands?”

Dave looked at her and yelled out, “A THOUSAND QUID FOR A NIGHT? ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?”

2007-05-18 05:34:26 · 16 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

comes off as easy as tender roasted ribs of the bone. Gawd I crack myself up.... LOL

2007-05-18 05:22:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says “WHAT?”

The wife says, “You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.”

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might
as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store.

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, “But you don’t even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then let’s get it.”

The wife is jumping up and down – she’s so excited, she cannot believe what is going on.

She says “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.” The husband says, “No - no - no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife’s face goes blank, “No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”

2007-05-18 04:38:36 · 10 answers · asked by bharat s 3

“I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!”

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
”I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.”

Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes”
“I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it
How young can you die of old age?”
My theory of evolution is that darwin was adopted.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.”
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled,

2007-05-18 04:25:13 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Have you heard of Picabo (Pronounced Peekaboo) Street the Olympic Skier? Well, one of her first jobs was working at the Hospital in the I.C.U. at the front desk. When she got fired from her job she came home and her husband asked, what happened. She said I don't know, the phone rang at the front desk and I answered and said, Picabo, ICU.

Star if you liked......

2007-05-18 03:40:45 · 10 answers · asked by Lids 5

walked past the local tennis court the other day.it was far too loud so i shouted ''keep that racket down''.

forgive me

2007-05-18 03:11:11 · 9 answers · asked by rossy g 2

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose
and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retr

2007-05-18 03:07:12 · 12 answers · asked by bharat s 3

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that
he could not contain himself as he ran home to tell his mother. "Mommy,
I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss.
Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped daddy take
off his pants. Then Aunt Jane ..."At this point, Mommy cut him off and
said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the
rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when
you tell it tonight. "At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to
tell his story. Little Johnny started his story by saying, "I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I
went back to lo ok and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then, he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off his
pants. Then, Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy
and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."Mommy
fainted!

Moral of the story: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

2007-05-18 02:43:47 · 33 answers · asked by vijay m Indian Lawyer 7

he asks her, "does the AC make you cold?"
she says,"no. i suffer from a very rare problem muconymphosyndrome. in this, whenever you sneeze, you get an orgasm."
he asks,"so what are you using for it now?"
she says,"till now, pepper."

2007-05-18 01:52:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-18 01:23:58 · 10 answers · asked by bigdickie420 1

OK, I'm having a bit of a get together at the weekend with my two sisters and our boyfriends, and as it's my eldest sister's birthday and she absolutely loves jokes, she has challenged us to all come up with a fantastic joke and the best one wins a prize. Come on everyone, I need your suggestions!

2007-05-18 00:10:09 · 14 answers · asked by Hotpink555 4

There was an elderly man living in a care home. At 10 pm one Saturday night there was a knock on his door. The man opened the door to find a gorgeous 22 year old blonde wearing nothing but a black see through negligee. He asked the girl "what can I do for you". The blond looked to him very seductively and said "I am here to offer you super sex". The man stood there for a minute and looked her up and down and said "I'll try the soup."

2007-05-17 22:38:52 · 7 answers · asked by billtheangler 5

A greek and a chinaman both opened restaurants across the street from each other. They got along well but the greek kept running across the road into the chinese restaurant and shouting 'flied lice flied lice' taking the mick as the chinaman couldn't pronounce his r's.
The chinaman was determined to stop this and went to elocution lessons, eventually being able to get his r's right.
Next day the greek ran across and shouted 'flied lice flied lice' and ran back. The chinaman ran after him and burst into his restaurant and shouted perfectly ' fried rice fried rice, how's that you gleek plick'

2007-05-17 22:31:03 · 3 answers · asked by allbut21 2

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"



star if funny

2007-05-17 21:36:01 · 12 answers · asked by vanessa 3

After God had made Adam, God thought that Adam was quite lonely even though he had many creature friends.

Therefore, God put Adam to sleep, and took one of his ribs to make his better half and companion friend.

Hence, Eve was created...

When Adam woke up and saw Eve, Adam yelled out, "Woa! Man!!"

A Baptist Preacher told me this joke... fiendishly clever. lol.

for those who didn't catch it the first time, "Woa! Man" = "WoMAN"

2007-05-17 21:07:46 · 10 answers · asked by barnes&nobles_regular 1

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the
bell. The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No,
he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I
wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend
says "You know Sara, you have the greatest
breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred
bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about
this for a second and figures what the hell - a
hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on
the table. They sit there a while longer and
Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see
the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks
if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara thinks about this and says what the hell
opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on
the table then says he can't wait any longer for
Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home
and his wife says "You know, your weird friend
Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a
second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200
bucks he owes me?"

2007-05-17 19:07:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the guy to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked him to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip
on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The man was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told him to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

2007-05-17 19:01:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need to know!!!

2007-05-17 18:06:35 · 5 answers · asked by Big Floppy Ding Dong 1

. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn.”

2007-05-17 17:32:49 · 5 answers · asked by eff_few 2

2007-05-17 17:19:53 · 8 answers · asked by Saad 2

Okay I have a performence tomorrow and I have material but it's not memorized what can I do? I'm still in high school and I'd say my stand up moves at a fast pace. I delieve'em fast. I stay on for about 2 minutes. I need help I'm good at improv but not when doing stand up, PLEASE HELP!!!

2007-05-17 17:09:50 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

STAND UP MATERIAL:



One Friday my dad gave me $10 dollars and told me to have a "good time"! I'm like I couldn't even put a good time in layaway with $10! He's like "your young go find you something entertaining to do!" Find something entertaining, in Oklahoma? Look the only thing that Oklahoma has that's entertaing is the electronic area in Wal-Mart!

Please comment and tell me what you liked best!
Be completely honest and give construction ideas, I've performed this before and had the crowd roaring with laughs!

2007-05-17 16:10:31 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

theres a blonde, red head, brunet, and a girl with black hair. They go in to a store and buy a lamp that was said to have a geni in it. so they dicide to rub the lamp and a geni pops out and says i will grant you all one wish. the brunet says i wish i was 10% smarter and poof she was. the red head says i wish i was 20% smarter and poof she was. next is the girl with the black hair and she says i wish i was 40% smarter and poof she was. and then the blonde says i wish was 30% dummer and poof she turned into a boy.

2007-05-17 15:05:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE MAIL

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready? ... this is a beauty ...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."


Do you find this funny? I did at first, but then people over did it.

2007-05-17 14:57:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just tought of this in the morning on my way to school.

A blonde broke out of prison (how she did it, the world may never know). She is skipping along the road wearing her bright orange jumpsuit, then she gets tired, and decides to hitchhike. She sticks her middle finger up in the air to the cars passing by, hoping they'll stop. Nobody does. Finally, a bus stops. She is very excited, and runs to the bus happily waving her arms in the air. When she gets on the bus, she says "thanks officer!"

This is only the second joke I've ever made up, any fixings are welcome!

2007-05-17 14:47:29 · 15 answers · asked by oozahnawahtzyl 4

I babysit kids and they love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

star me or be my fan

2007-05-17 14:43:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

2007-05-17 14:42:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle"
She is very cross & upset, but says nothing.
The next morning the bloke wakes her up in bed with a tweak on the boob & says " You know, if you firmed these up a bit we could get rid of your bra"
The wife is angry now, so she rolls over & grabs hold of his p*n*s.
With a deathly grip & through gritted teeth she says
"You know, if you firmed THIS up, we could get ris of the milkman, the gardener, the odd-job man & your brother!"

2007-05-17 14:37:56 · 18 answers · asked by funnygirl 4