Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

The doctor enters the exam room and finds a man sitting on the table.
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"
Man: Touching several parts of his body. "I hurt here, here, here, here and here."
Doctor: "Well, let's take some x-rays."
An hour passes and the doctor goes back into the exam room with the x-rays.
Doctor: "Well, I found your problem."
Man: "What is it? Why does it hurt everywhere I touch?"
Doctor: "You have a broken finger."

2007-05-19 04:38:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"Less?" replies the bartender. "Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have," said the man.

"No, really, we don't stock it," said the bartender. "What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure," answers the man. "It was my doctor who suggested it. He said I should drink less."

2007-05-19 04:33:28 · 4 answers · asked by ? 3

a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

2007-05-19 04:28:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

No really, why? Everyone always give me a different reason [for ex.to get to the other side,or because it wanted food] so i wanted to see what you guys think.

2007-05-19 04:27:22 · 18 answers · asked by kat 1

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

2007-05-19 04:11:24 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."

2007-05-19 04:11:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside ?
A: K9P.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy ?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard ?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sEx like a bridge game ?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

.Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common ?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive ?
A: Because it scares the crap out of the dog.

2007-05-19 04:02:28 · 16 answers · asked by eff_few 2

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really p!ssed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

2007-05-19 03:39:42 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

what would you choose

2007-05-19 03:30:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

and why do i

2007-05-19 02:22:29 · 7 answers · asked by eff_few 2

this is the answer.now whats the question to it?
(its a joke by the way-i just cant think of the joke to this answer though).
and in other terms,a screwdriver is a tool you use anyway.

2007-05-19 00:46:20 · 7 answers · asked by dusk_to_moonbeam 2

what is a Safe distant from a woman when walking. too close and it's harrasment too far and it's stalking so please can anyone answer this

2007-05-19 00:44:58 · 11 answers · asked by Rufus121 2

2007-05-19 00:31:05 · 17 answers · asked by In Honor of Moja 4

1. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

2. Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

3. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

4. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

2007-05-19 00:30:27 · 19 answers · asked by :)☮♥ 3

*
With a Pete soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”

The minister inquired "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Pete smirked and says, “I'm going to Beijing and get her.”

**
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him?"

(p;s – a star for a smile will do^_- )

2007-05-19 00:20:28 · 16 answers · asked by Madrid10 2

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are

spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost

see through pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape

exhibit,they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing the

girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with

one hand(and2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand.

He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress. The

husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.

He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband

suggests pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She

does, and Mr Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would

wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps

fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr Gorilla is about to

tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your minge" he says. This

drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a

hard-on like a baseball bat.

Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings

her in with the gorilla, and slams the cage door shut.

"Now tell HIM you've got a headache!

2007-05-18 23:59:00 · 10 answers · asked by barz 2

a man walks up to a woman in a bar and says "i have the key to your heart"
woman says "i'd better change the locks"

2007-05-18 23:48:58 · 21 answers · asked by isca_monkey 2

Man asks his best friend how he can stay out late with a new girlfriend without getting into trouble or arousing his wife's suspicions."That's easy, just go out with your girlfriend, and when you go home, wear a piece of chalk behind your ear and tell your wife the truth"" Are you sure that will work and she won't kill me?" he asks. After reassurance from his friend he agrees to try it.
He spends the evening with his girlfriend and arrives home with the piece of chalk behind his ear. " where the hell have you been and what have you been up to" says the wife." I have spent the evening making mad passionate love to a beautiful woman"he says." Your a bloody liar, you've been down the pub playing darts!"

2007-05-18 23:42:08 · 11 answers · asked by david d 3

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live alone by the railway? Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, like doggies, every position imaginable!

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky b*stard - did you get a bj

"no... I never found the head."

2007-05-18 23:30:08 · 11 answers · asked by barz 2

Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your blood type.

Customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your cheque clears."

Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room?
It was cordless!

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie...

A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth.
"Aha, caries! I'll have to drill this one out!" says the dentist.
"Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!!" cries the lady.
"In that case, let me adjust the chair first," replies the dentist.

Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!

Nurse: Doc, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next!

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.

2007-05-18 23:18:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Scotsman is asleep under a tree near the road. Two women (I won't call them ladies) walk by and say to each other "I've always wondered what's under a Scotsman's kilt -- let's look" So they look. Liking what they saw, they tied a blue ribbon around it. Sometime after they left the Scotsman woke up, looked under his kilt and said?





"Well, laddie, I don't know whut you've bin doin', but I see you've won the firrrst prrrize."

2007-05-18 23:13:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A huge fire had erupted in this apartment block.
At the very top a woman with a kid in her arms was screaming help help

A guy from the crowd stepped forward and said throw the kid down i will catch her
Woman - No you will drop her
Guy - Don't be daft , don't you know who i am ?
Woman - No , who are you ?
Guy - I am Englands goalkeeper , now throw the kid down

With that the woman threw the kid from the window , but a gust of wind caught the child. The guy flew through the air and caught the child in both arms , got up and bounced the child a couple of times before kicking the kid right up the street.

2007-05-18 23:13:53 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

?

btw, read the whole thing


As Valentines day was approaching, Charlie decided to buy a special gift for his new girlfriend, Ruth. The couple had not been dating for very long, and so Charlie wanted to make sure the gift was just right. Ruth was always complaining about having cold hands, and so Charlie - after careful consideration - decided a good gift would be a nice pair of gloves.

Charlie took his sister with him to buy the gift - he wanted a woman's opinion. they found a nice pair of gloves at the store, and Charlie's sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. Unfortunately, the sales clerk got the two items mixed up.

Charlie mailed his Valentine's Day gift to Ruth, accompanied by the following note:

I chose this Valentines Day gift as I noticed that you often don't wear any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely colour. The lady at the store where I bought them showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,

Charlie

2007-05-18 23:11:27 · 20 answers · asked by girl 3

Maybe its best not to read on if u r a strong believer in catholicism or are too young.
dont say i didnt tell u so if u give negative feedback!



















Grumpy from snow white + the seven dwarfs came up to the pope (cathlic church leader) and asked him if there are any midget nuns in the whole of italy.

The pope said no.

Grumpy asked if there were any midget nuns in the whole of europe.

The pope said no

Grumpt asked if there were any midget nuns in the whole of the world.

Again, the pope said no. ' Why do you ask?' the pope asked.

Grumpy looked very sad and went all funny.

Grumpy looked over at the other 6 dwarves, only to hear them shouting ' Grumpy shagged a penguin!!'

sorry if that has offended any1

2007-05-18 22:55:31 · 11 answers · asked by girl 3

Pat and Mick working in a sawmill

Pat - Arggggggggg
Mick - What is it ?
Pat - Iv'e cut of my f***ing finger
Mick - What your whole finger ?
Pat - No the one next to it.

Later

Mick - Arghhhhhhhhhhh iv'e cut of my ear
Pat - I'll phone an ambulence for you.

After phoning the ambulence

Pat - They told me i must look for your ear , it may be possible to sew it back on.

After searching

Pat - Look iv'e found it Mick
Mick - That's not mine , mine had a pencil behind it.

2007-05-18 22:52:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 religious men were debating how they split the church offerings.

The catholic priest said we draw a circle and throw the taking's in the air ....what goes outside the circle is ours the rest is for God

The greek religious man said we draw a line against the wall, and we throw what stays in front of the line is God's the rest is ours

No no says the Rabbi, this is what we do...we throw ours in the air what comes down is ours the rest is for God.....

2007-05-18 22:48:38 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life.
Laughing at someone else's can shorten it!









Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper.
It doesn't permanently solve any problems,
But it makes thing more acceptable for awhile.









Laughter is the brush that sweeps away
The cobwebs of the heart.







Laughter is the jam on the toast of life;
It adds flavour, keeps it from becoming too dry,
And makes it easier to swallow.

2007-05-18 22:39:47 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is 3 o'clock in the morning! He
slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 o' clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring
rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

2007-05-18 22:33:55 · 28 answers · asked by barz 2

Marvin and Dorothy are having dinner in celebration of their 75th wedding anniversary. Dorothy come us with the idea that they should meet in the nude for breakfast the following morning to celebrate their lover for each other.

When Dorothy awakes she finds Marvin has already prepared breakfast and is sitting at the table completely nude, reading his newspaper. He keeps reading as she begins to talk. "Marvin," she says "sitting here this morning, looking at you naked, makes my nipples as hot as the first time we made love"

At this Marvin looks up and says "Well Dorothy that is because the left one is in your oatmeal and the right one is in my coffee"

2007-05-18 22:20:20 · 6 answers · asked by blakereik 4

...and he decides he really needs a toilet stop. He drives into a small village and spots a pub with a horse tied up outside. He pulls over and heads straight into the loo. When he comes out he spots a large jar full of pound coins. "Whats that?" he asks. "Ah." says the barman "See that horse outside? Well you pay a pound and if you can make him laugh you can keep the jar.".
"OK" he says "I'll have a go." He pops his pound in, walks outside, whispers to the horse, horse starts laughing and he walks in and grabs the jar. The barman is struck dumb.

A year later the man is driving along and spots the pub again, the horse still outside laughing. He goes in and the jar is back, full with pound coins.
"What's the deal this time?" the mans asks.
"Well you remember you made the horse laugh a year ago? well it hasn't stopped since. Stop it laughing and the money is yours."
He nips outside whispers to the horse and it stops laughing. He walks back in and grabs the jar and goes to leave.

2007-05-18 22:14:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous