Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. “Yes, yes he did.”

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

2007-05-20 10:54:23 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Outside is a six-foot ladybird which proceeds to head-butt him, kick him in the crotch, and stamp on his head. The man wakes up in hospital where he describes his ordeal to the doctor. "You're the sixth case like this we've had in today," says the doctor. "There's a rather nasty bug going about."

2007-05-20 10:54:04 · 26 answers · asked by ♥cardanja♥ 6

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Sincerely,
Desperate

2007-05-20 10:52:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was 12 years old and was rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
“ ’Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin’ all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt.

“About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick — a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared — her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’s ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

“Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were dripping out.

“Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats — they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.”

2007-05-20 10:49:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a three digit number.
My tens digit is five more than my ones digit.
My hundreds digit is eight less than my tens digit.
What number am I?

2007-05-20 10:43:04 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

After an hour, the manager comes by and asks them to go to their rooms. "But why?" they ask, as they move off. "Because," he says, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

2007-05-20 10:38:03 · 8 answers · asked by ♥cardanja♥ 6

2007-05-20 10:19:22 · 16 answers · asked by azizka93 3

How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree??

Wave at her...

hahahahaha

Get it? if so tell me why? :]

2007-05-20 09:59:01 · 13 answers · asked by Infected Sin 1

a red head walks into a doctors and sits down....

doctor - what seems to be the problem??

red head - well where ever i poke myself with my finger it hurts but doesn't huet any other time

doctor - well show me what you mean ny where ever you poke yourself it hurts....

red head - (Pokes herself on the arm) ouch!
(Pokes herself on the leg) ouch!
(Pokes herself on the stomache) ouch!
(Pokes herself on the shoulder) ouch!

Doctor - you're not blonde are you

red head - no i had my hair dyed this morning

Doctor - you've broke your finger



what do you think??? star if you like it

2007-05-20 09:55:15 · 6 answers · asked by alexandra 2

Just for the record, I really do love blonde jokes, but I thought it may be time for a little change of pace.

What do you call the boyfriend of a brunette?

A hostage.

Come on you know it's funny.

2007-05-20 09:48:06 · 13 answers · asked by nicegirl 4

A blonde and a brunnette both jump off a building at the same time who hits the ground first?
ANSWER:the brunette, the blonde has to stop for directions

2007-05-20 09:43:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into a store and says
"excuse me can i but that tv in the corner" she asks very nicly
The clerk responds "i don't serve blondes"
So the blonde goes back home and dyes her hair brown and returns to the store.
"excuse me can i buy that tv in the corner?"
"don't serve blondes, sorry" replied the clerk
So the blonde/brunnette went back to her house and dyed her hair red shortly later she was back at the store.
"excuse me can i buy that tv in the corner?" she asks
"sorry no blondes allowed" replies the clerk
furious the blonde/brunntrte/red head slams her fist on the counter.
"HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M A BLONDE?!!!" she aks loudly
the clerk leans in and camly says
"because sweetie, that's not a tv it's a microwave"

2007-05-20 09:37:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry I guess my joke is too long to be in here. lol For those of you that doesn't understand I'm sorry, And for those who didn't see the end of the joke I'm sorry too.

When little Johnny went to the front of his moms door way, she says what do you want me to do next?

Little johnny acting like his father said,
"Get your butt out of bed and get the kid some ice cream"

2007-05-20 09:28:09 · 6 answers · asked by Lilkryptonite 4

Paddy and Mick stagger out of the zoo pouring with blood....."boll*cks to that" says Paddy, "that's the last time I go lion dancing"!!!!

2007-05-20 09:27:50 · 23 answers · asked by victoria o 1

You gotta love Robin Williams......
Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...

(Hard to argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines -They don't want us there, anyway. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available
to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort
to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while .

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given
to the army. The people who need
it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it..or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer
saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

2007-05-20 09:05:45 · 18 answers · asked by chris w. 7

What do you think and explain

2007-05-20 09:05:11 · 16 answers · asked by freeperson 4

A middle age couple has 2 beautiful daughters but they have always talked about wanting a son. So they decide to give it one last shot. ther wife gets pregneat and gives birth to a very healthy little boy. The baby is the ugliewst baby in the world

"look at this! i have 2 beautiful daughters and then you give me this ugly thing have you been folling around with someone else.

the wife simply replies "not this time"

2007-05-20 09:04:45 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

i noticed something going up...
the next instant, i saw it going down, too.
it was really profound...
the thing went up and down at the same time!
the weird thing is though, it didnt move...
so how would it go somewhere?

2007-05-20 09:04:06 · 9 answers · asked by gate_way_of_hell 1

what have michael jackson and a carrier bag have in common?
they are both made of plastic and harmful to small children

what have michael jackson and a ps3 got in common?
both turned on by small children

what time does michael jackson go to bed?
when the big hand touches the little hand

why is michael jackson terrible at chess?
he dont k now whether hes black or white

2007-05-20 08:26:44 · 14 answers · asked by simms 2

Sobriety Test

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes.
The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood."
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."

"Oh, no, I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

2007-05-20 08:24:53 · 10 answers · asked by Suzan K 5

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

2007-05-20 08:10:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

to court when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. Disturbed, he stopped and asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" The man replied, We don't have any money for food. "Well then" replied the lawyer, "You can come to my house and
I'll feed you" But sir said the man, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree. "Bring them along too" the lawyer insisted. Turning to the other
man he said You come along with us too. The second man replied in a pitiful voice. "But sir, I have a wife and six children with me" Bring them all as well said the lawyer. With some difficulty they all squeezed into the car. Once under way one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said "Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.

2007-05-20 07:59:49 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

i little boy was in school and it was time for them to go home so the little boy asks him teacher "can i walk you home?" she says no so he says i'll tell my mom my mom will tell my dad my dad will tell the principal and principal will get you fired" so she says ok. when they get to the house the boy says "nice house can i come in?" the teacher says no. and the boys says i'll tell my mom my mom will tel my dad my dad will tell the principal and the principal will get you fired. so the teacher says yes. when they get in the boy says can you take off you clothes? the teacher says no so the boys says i'll tell my mom my mom will tell my dad my dada wil tell the principal and the princpal will get you fired so she says yes. the pricipla shows up at the teacher's house will the boy's parents and he says what are you doing you're fired! then she blows up. then the principal says. omg my best worker blew up! then he blows up the the dad says that looks fun then he blows up then all the rest b

2007-05-20 07:49:47 · 18 answers · asked by Tatyana 1

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing"

2007-05-20 07:31:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

so noah has been on the ark for 39 days and and 39 nights. As you can imagine with all those animals on board the place is starting to reek of manure. so noah and his sons shovel it all off into the waters.
many years later columbus discovers the the giant dung heap and....names it america!!
boom boom

2007-05-20 07:30:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

bloke wakes up in hospital after a car accident and says''doc doc i cannot feel my legs''
the doc says''its ok do not worry your legs are perfectly ok but we had to amputate both your arms''

blonde wakes up after a car accident and screams to the paramedic ''i cant see i'm blind i'm blind''para says ''dont panic darlin how many fingers have i got up ''
she said ''eff me im paralysed as well''

2007-05-20 07:20:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

2007-05-20 06:53:46 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

example: "we are lost, we should pull over and ask for directions" :-)

2007-05-20 03:59:47 · 46 answers · asked by raven 2

what's the difference?

2007-05-20 03:40:58 · 9 answers · asked by qtpie445 4

These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

(continued in details)

2007-05-20 03:26:34 · 8 answers · asked by suesysgoddess 6