Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

A little girl goes to the barbers shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating
a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

2007-05-21 23:00:44 · 19 answers · asked by barz 2

it's only fun to make them cry if you didn't like them in the first place.

2007-05-21 22:50:25 · 6 answers · asked by dude 2

A Chinese couple get married - - she is a virgin. Truth be told, he

is not too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked

under the sheets as her husband undresses, then he climbs in next to her and

tries to be reassuring.



"My darring" he says, "I know dis yoo firss time and you berry fwighten.



I pwamis yoo, I gib yoo anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss

ask...Anyting yoo wan. Whatchoo wan?" he says, trying to sound

experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.



A thoughtful silence follows as he waits patiently (and eagerly) for

her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try

someping I have hear about... Numbaa 69."



More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled

tone he queries...

...

...

...

...

.......









...

...



"Yoo wan... Chicken wiff Broccori '' ??

2007-05-21 22:43:21 · 25 answers · asked by barz 2

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"



a star if funny

2007-05-21 21:09:51 · 20 answers · asked by vanessa 3

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."


a star if funny

2007-05-21 21:07:23 · 31 answers · asked by vanessa 3

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed, one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."
Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."

The first girl said, "I can't."

Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"

The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"



a star if funny

2007-05-21 21:05:58 · 10 answers · asked by vanessa 3

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"



star if funny

2007-05-21 21:01:40 · 12 answers · asked by vanessa 3

2007-05-21 19:12:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-21 19:09:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

: I saw an episode of Night Gallery as a kid that scared me for months. I don't remember any details, other than a group of people find an old trunk in an attic or basement. In the trunk are mason jars filled with some odd-looking gelatinous substantance that (as I recall) has some kind of evil properties. Unfortunately, no other details. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

2007-05-21 17:24:33 · 4 answers · asked by Planet7 2

Go for the points, baby!!!

2007-05-21 16:50:58 · 25 answers · asked by Lynne O'Dwyer 3

(This is just not right)
Little Johnny and his brother, Marvin came home from school one sunny afternoon. Johnny runs straight to his dad's workshop(where he usually spent his evenings) and says "you ain't gonna believe it, Marvin and his teacher did it in the coatroom today" Their dad goes up to Marvin's room and says "Well, is it true son," "yeah dad," "Go get in the truck"
"I'm really sorry, am I in trouble?". "Trouble, for what, bein' a chip off the old block. In my day there was this teacher, Mrs. Jones, and all the boys had crushes on her. But I was the only one ever got ta bang her erasers if you know what I mean." "Yeah dad, I think I do. So where are we goin'?" "I'm takin' ya ta Wally Worl' gonna get you that bike and anythin' else ya want."
Marvin picks out a bike, some candy and they go home. First thing he does is go up to his room with the candy and toys. dad asks Johnny why he's not on his new bike. Johnny said "I don't know, I guess his butt still hurts"

2007-05-21 15:38:29 · 12 answers · asked by Joe 4

survey

1 color
2 tv show
3 movie
4 what u like in a guy/girl
5 food

2007-05-21 15:20:34 · 51 answers · asked by Anonymous

im jus bored but mii niece iz askin tat question....

2007-05-21 15:17:52 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your are standing before two gates. One leads to heaven, the other leads to Hell, but you don't know what hides behind either door. There are two gatekeepers. You know one of them always tells the truth and the other always lies, but you don't know who is the honest one and who is the liar.

You can only ask one question to one of them in order to find the way to heaven. What is the question?

2007-05-21 14:44:19 · 8 answers · asked by Pedro ST 4

There's a big celebrity party going on at the Playboy mansion. Mick Jagger walks into the bathroom and sees the owner of the home "servicing" the actor Dennis Weaver. Jagger yells "Hey, Hugh, get off of McCloud"!!

2007-05-21 14:05:45 · 6 answers · asked by Commander 3

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother.

Three days before his return he calls his brother. "So how is my cat doing?"

"He's dead."

"He's dead! What do you mean he's dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me? I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, 'Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.' Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, 'The fire department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.' "

"I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again."

"Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?"

"She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down."

2007-05-21 13:54:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

What has metal teeth and holds back a monster!?!?!?




My ZIPPER!!!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

2007-05-21 13:36:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-21 11:38:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-21 11:26:18 · 31 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

You have made the chain too long on the collar...LOL

2007-05-21 11:24:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-05-21 11:10:17 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

??

2007-05-21 10:39:03 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

what's the answer to #72, 76, 79 and 81???

2007-05-21 10:38:44 · 11 answers · asked by lyndzee h 1

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances

The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat!"

2007-05-21 10:34:46 · 5 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man with her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

2007-05-21 09:57:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

TICK WARNING
> >
> > I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. I've even done it
myself a couple times, but this one is important. So please send
this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
> >
> > If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for
ticks due to the warming weather and ask you to take your clothes
off and dance around with your arms up...
> >
> > DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!!
> >
> > They only want to see you naked...
> >
> > I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
> >
> > I feel so stupid

teehee!

2007-05-21 09:56:17 · 7 answers · asked by happy_southernlady 6

I will seek and find you
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when
I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
(signed) The Flu

2007-05-21 09:17:11 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pirate had a parrot that wouldn't stop swearing. He tried everything. Finally one day, when the parrot started swearing, he threw it into the freezer and left it there for over an hour.

Finally, the pirate retrieved his parrot from the freezer. The parrot came out, shaken, and said "I promise, I'll be good from now on. But, I have just one question ... What did the turkey do?????"

2007-05-21 09:16:45 · 4 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

Know all men by these presents that I hereby give, grant, bargain, sell, release, convey, transfer amd quitclaim all my right, title, interest, benefit and use whatever in, of, and concerning this chattel, otherwise known as an orange, or citrus orantium, together will all the appurtenances thereto of skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds and juice, to have and to hold the said orange together with its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds and juice for his own use and behoof, to himself and his heirs in fee simple, forever, free from all liens, encumbrances, easements, limitations, restraints or conditions whatsoever, and all prior deeds, transfers or other documents whatsoever, now or anywhere made to the contrary nothwithstanding, with full power to bite, cut, suck or otherwise eat the said orange or to give away the same, with or without skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds or juice.

2007-05-21 09:10:25 · 6 answers · asked by triptipper 3