Jokes & Riddles - May 2007

A little boy is eating chocolate cake and gets it all over his face. He goes up to his grandmother and says, "Hey look, I'm black!" His grandmother smacks him and says, "Go see your mother."

He goes to his mother and says, "Hey look, I'm black!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go see your father."

He goes to his father and says, "Hey look I'm black!" His father smacks him and tells him, "That's racist, don't do that! What have you learned from this?"

The little boy looks at him and says, "I've only been black for five minutes and I already hate white people!"

2007-05-22 12:40:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a divorced woman now lives with her 14 children. every single one of them is named
Alex. One day, one of her neighbors come up to her and asks,"why did you name all your kids Alex? Dont they get mixed up when you want to talk 2 just one of them?"
then the woman says "Oh, its easy...i just call them by their last name!"

2007-05-22 12:33:50 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning
her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she
asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you
slept with?"

"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her
hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven -


then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."

2007-05-22 12:05:16 · 9 answers · asked by sniffels323 5

The assistant explains that this Brass Cat has magical properties and that where ever he goes it will attract cats.

Thinking that its a load of rubbish, he buys the cat anyway.

Walking home he soon notices that there's a cat following him.
soon several more Cats start to follow and by the time he nears his home there's hundreds of them.

Knowing his wife will go mad at him if he shows up with all these cats he throws the brass Cat into the river.

To his suprise all the cats leap into the river after it and drown.

10 minutes later he's back in the shop and recounts the tale to the shop assistant.

On hearing the story the assistant says " I suppose you'll be wanting your money back then?"

"Not at all" says the man

"I wondered if you've got a Brass politician"

2007-05-22 11:41:09 · 17 answers · asked by motomarco9999 2

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

2007-05-22 11:15:22 · 14 answers · asked by raybbies 5

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

2007-05-22 10:07:21 · 6 answers · asked by Angel 2

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

2007-05-22 09:54:42 · 10 answers · asked by Angel 2

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

2007-05-22 08:44:50 · 21 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

If you had to sacrafice one person in your life that you loved... who would it be??

2007-05-22 07:51:27 · 24 answers · asked by nothing 5

everybody has it, nobody wants it, yet everybody dies with it. what is it?

2007-05-22 07:48:00 · 13 answers · asked by heyho 2

* Two blondes were on a road trip.they passed through Matasheuchetts ,
Louisiana.The two blondes started argueing about how to pronounce the name of
the city.Finnaly they turned into a fast food restaurant, they went in and said
to the man behind the counter, "Could you tell us where we are and say it
slowly" The man replied: "BURRR-GERR-KII-NG''

2007-05-22 07:46:52 · 12 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair."



MORAL : Women are evil. Don't mess with them

2007-05-22 07:41:53 · 22 answers · asked by chris w. 7

make three wishes
what would they be?

2007-05-22 07:16:23 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

2007-05-22 06:59:08 · 33 answers · asked by ? 4

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but

when they go, they take your house and car.

2007-05-22 06:54:40 · 14 answers · asked by titus 3

At the end of the financial year the Tax Office sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I noticed you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with all the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way: "What about all the bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and once a year they send us a complete dick."

2007-05-22 06:48:51 · 5 answers · asked by ? 3

- no copy and pasting from other sites
- none from those forwards about dumb blondes
- hate when best answer is someone that just pastes a link
- only ORIGINAL jokes, not old lame ones

2007-05-22 06:46:15 · 8 answers · asked by jkidd 2

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"

The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"

She says: "Pepper."

2007-05-22 06:44:33 · 9 answers · asked by ? 3

I was on holiday in Spain and while walking down the Promenade I saw an old woman sitting on a bench with her left leg hanging over the arm of the bench and her crotch stinking of fish ( you could smell it from 20ft) and swarming with flies and munching on a large slice of melon. "I was Intrigued so I asked "Why have you let the flies at you're crotch.? " She replied "It keeep's them away from the melon."

2007-05-22 06:37:56 · 18 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

How do y'all like this one?

Morris and his wife, Esther, went to the state fair every year.

Every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know, Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

A few years later, Esther and Morris went to the fair. Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter is 50 dollars! And 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire flight and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed -- and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris. He said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

2007-05-22 06:32:14 · 4 answers · asked by GreenEyedLilo 7

a test of humour

2007-05-22 06:13:59 · 27 answers · asked by pope45918 1

2007-05-22 05:57:02 · 12 answers · asked by moocher 1

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.



There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.



"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.


Is something bothering you?"



"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."



"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."



"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."



The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."



The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.



Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"



"1955, ma'am."



"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.



Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"



The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."



(Don't ya love military time?!)

2007-05-22 04:56:03 · 28 answers · asked by bernman101 6

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

2007-05-22 04:28:38 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

2007-05-22 01:55:59 · 25 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

Mick jagger
Bruce springsteen
Bono
Sting
Michael Jackson
Rod Stewart
Steve Wonder
Sir Paul McCartney
Barry White
BG's

2007-05-22 01:14:41 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was on the side his wife is on and he was tired of listening to her.

2007-05-22 01:12:09 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man gets on a bus with a one piece snooker cue and the bus driver says he'll have to pay 2 fares because the cue is over 5 foot so the man gets off the bus and buys something from a shop and gets back on the bus and only pays 1 fare and the snooker cue is still intact, what did he buy to enable him to only pay 1 fare

2007-05-22 00:09:55 · 16 answers · asked by greyskinn 1

Three friends go camping- Trouble, Shut up and Manners
Shut up and manners drive to a police station to report Trouble missing. Shut up goes in and tells them what happen. The officer asks for his name and he replies Shut up. The officer asks again and he replies shut up again. The officer gets mad and ask him where is his manners and he replies outside. The Officer once again looks at him mad and says are you looking for trouble and he replies how did you know.

2007-05-21 23:09:03 · 11 answers · asked by beareyouseae 3

2007-05-21 23:07:36 · 15 answers · asked by eluvsdmode 6