Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

2007-07-31 23:45:35 · 6 answers · asked by majoti 5

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Banana.

2007-07-31 23:31:47 · 11 answers · asked by Brad 2

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

2007-07-31 23:28:57 · 12 answers · asked by Brad 2

2007-07-31 23:27:37 · 22 answers · asked by Jerusalem Delivered 3

a man is living in the 15th floor of a building, he is working at the ground floor of the same building, every morning he rides the elevator going down to the ground floor, but every time that he is going home, he still rides the elevator but he steps out when he is already in the 9th floor, and he is doing it everyday even though he don't want to take the stairs from the 9th floor to the 15th floor but he is forced to do it. the question is why do you think he is doing that?

2007-07-31 23:22:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper."

2007-07-31 23:19:42 · 9 answers · asked by Brad 2

HEY GUYS THIS IS ROCKOR GAL GIVE ME A GOOD INTERESTING ANSWER SO THAT I CAN NAME YOUR ANSWER THE BEST ONE

2007-07-31 22:58:30 · 31 answers · asked by cool teen..08$$ 2

i was on the phone to someone last night, and they were talking about a banana butty, and asked me if i wanted one, i said no. and he said something about that if i said yes, he's got ten or so with him.

2007-07-31 21:25:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call a wooden car with wooden wheels, wooden steering wheel and wooden seats?

2007-07-31 21:08:51 · 20 answers · asked by all are best answers 2

What ever happened to that girl? Where is she now, and what is she doing? What is her name? Do you find that video as gleeful and poignant as I do? I think it's great. :-)

2007-07-31 20:38:30 · 5 answers · asked by peacefuljeffrey 2

Dear Wife:
You must realize you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, a faxed letter waited for him:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife

2007-07-31 20:29:04 · 24 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

when he got across the road..

2007-07-31 18:03:26 · 7 answers · asked by ladyjinx63 2

2007-07-31 17:59:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I received it sometimes ago. I hope you have a good laugh too!

******************************************

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day, "you know I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you!You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else,"

Bubba says. "President Bush", his boss quickly retorts. "Yep," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington" and off they go. At theWhite House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his
boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The new Pope", his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let
me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope," and he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

2007-07-31 16:50:19 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

What force and strength can't get through, I with a gentle touch can do, and many in the street will stand, were I not a friend in hand. What am I?

2007-07-31 15:50:42 · 11 answers · asked by lizzie68 1

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-*** jock in the back of the room asks, ’What about extreme sexual exhaustion?’

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head, and sweetly says: ’Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.’

2007-07-31 15:45:24 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have one for you....Two peanuts are walking down the street and one's a salted.

2007-07-31 15:35:45 · 17 answers · asked by tedfromwi 2

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an ntersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I would have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"

2007-07-31 15:23:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

2007-07-31 15:19:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Morris calls his son in New York. Morris says "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing your mother."

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mum just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mum? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonised over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with my lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight to London. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving at Heathrow the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, they're coming for Seder night, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here Rosh Hashanah."

2007-07-31 15:15:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."

2007-07-31 15:12:19 · 17 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Tom urgently needs a few days off work, but knows that his boss will not allow him to take leave. So he thinks, `maybe if I act crazy, my boss will tell me to take a few days off.'

So Tom hangs upside down from the ceiling and starts to make funny noises.

Mary, his blonde assistant asks him what he thinks he's doing.

Tom tells her he's pretending to be a light bulb so the boss will think he's crazy and give him a few days off.

Two minutes later the boss comes into the office and asks Tom, "What are you doing?"

When Tom tells him he's a light bulb, the boss says, "You're clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

Tom jumps down and walks out of the office.

When Mary starts to follow him, the boss asks her, "And where do you think you're going, madam?"

She replies, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

2007-07-31 15:12:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do Italian men have moustaches?

They take after their Mothers!

2007-07-31 14:51:40 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-31 14:36:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A while back, the pastor of a church in South Africa told me this story:

He had been in the UK for a church conference, and was waiting in line at Heathrow to check in for his flight back to South Africa.

The guy in front of him in the checkout-queue was obviously having some kind of problem checking in, and his voice was getting louder and louder, and the language getting more colourful. Meanwhile, the check-in clerk was full of "yes, sir" "No sir" type of answers and trying to calm the guy down (not very successfully). Eventually, the guy in the queue swore at the clerk and moved on.

The pastor had heard all of this and when he reached the clerk said:

"I must commend you on your professionalism. If he'd spoken to me like that, I'd have punched his lights out, and I'm a church pastor!"

The clerk replied:

"Oh, that's OK; He'll be in Chicago tomorrow..........................................


...........his luggage, however, will be in Singapore!"


Cheers

2007-07-31 14:21:39 · 6 answers · asked by Henry & Carryn A 3

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?


The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?


Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer!

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?


Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

2007-07-31 14:13:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

hey guys do you like my avatar i tried to make it look preety realist as possible


star lol ^_^********

2007-07-31 14:12:22 · 7 answers · asked by maghadeera 2

A married couple (elderly) was sitting in their living room one Sunday morning. They were watching a religious show where a man went around healing the people in the audience. He would tell them to put their hand over the part of their body that they wanted healed. Since most of the people in the audience were elderly, they would put their hand over their hearts, eyes, or other organs. So, the man on TV said, "Okay, now for you at home. Put a hand on the part of you body that you want healed." So the little old lady put her hand on her heart because she had frequent heart problems. She then looked over at her husband. Lifting his hand, the husband put his hand over his crotch. The little old lady then said to her husband, "He said he could heal the sick. Not raise the dead!"

2007-07-31 14:01:19 · 6 answers · asked by nohandtyper 6

If Jimmy Cracks Corn and Nobody cares, then why is there a stupid song about it????

2007-07-31 13:56:00 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

i scored again but have no chalk. i've lipstick on my collar will she believe me when i say it's from the opposition when they lost,fingers crossed( we played the rugby club).

2007-07-31 13:55:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous