Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

i had to think for a min before i got this one!

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

2007-07-29 20:35:54 · 7 answers · asked by Gina B 4

The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it was not my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."
The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"

2007-07-29 20:30:47 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A donkey was tied to a rope six feet long. A bale of hay was 18 feet away and the donkey wanted to eat the hay. How could he do it?

2007-07-29 20:12:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darling
of 10 glorious years. He went looking and found her. She had been
shot. Dead! Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of
mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. But he
just might like to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find
a new mate. He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to
Love! I am a DOVE I want to love!

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the
nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest, again
the sex was great, but all the LOON would say is I am a LOON, I want
to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous
DUCK, so He brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was
great, but all the DUCK would say was...


No . the DUCK didn't say THAT!!!!!


The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !

2007-07-29 20:02:27 · 4 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Three men are walking in a forest when they come across a tribe of cannibals and the chief tells them to go out to the forest and get ten kinds of any fruit and bring them back. So the first guy comes back with apples, the chief says put them all up your butt without changing your facile expressions and we wont eat you. He gets half of one up and then cringes, he is eaten. Then next guy comes back with blueberries the chief tells him put them up your but yata yata yata he puts one two three four five six seven eight nine laughs. guy one and guy two met up in heaven and guy one says to guy two why did you laugh you could have made it! guy one says back to guy two I saw the next guy coming with pineapples!

2007-07-29 19:58:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Many years ago at the end of every month all over the world ALL dogs would get to together for meetings at this secret club house they had.

And the rule was when you went into the club house you had to remove your back side and hang it on a coat hook.

Then at one of these meetings the naughty cats who was angry they was not allowed to go to the meetings all over the world thought it was funny to shout "FIRE FIRE" and all the dogs thought they was a fire and ran out the club houses and just grabbed any back side off the coat hooks getting the wrong ones.

And from that day is that way dogs sniff each other hoping to find their own back side and this is the reason why cats and dogs do not get on now?

2007-07-29 19:47:50 · 19 answers · asked by misskitti7® 7

I put a drop of tear in the ocean last night for you. And I won't stop loving you until you find that tear drop.

Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?

Something tells me you're sweet. Can I have a sample?

Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?

If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]." How did you know my name? "Isn't every beautiful boy/girl named that?"

So, what do you like to do for fun? (Why?) Because I'm gonna ask you out.

What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off. Hey, it's not coming off!

Girl, if I were a fly, I'd be all over you, because you're the ****!

I betting that you cannot wait until tomorrow, because I bet that you get more and more beautiful every day.

If it weren't for that DAMNED sun, you'd be the hottest thing ever created

How is your fever? [What fever?] Oh... you just look hot to me.

Damn, Sugar, settle down. I'm diabetic.

I can see you. [Uh, yeah.] Great! Then how about tomorrow.

2007-07-29 19:27:17 · 9 answers · asked by marsh 1

2007-07-29 19:13:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three male friends died and went to Heaven. When they got there St. Peter told them that Heaven was full of ducks, and it was forbidden to step on the ducks.

The first day in Heaven one of the men stepped on a duck and out of nowhere St. Peter arrived with an ugly women and told the guilty man that this would be his wife for eternity,

The other men, not wanting such an ugly wife were very careful to not step on a duck, however..

One of them stepped on a duck and St. Peter again arrived with an ugly woman and pronounced them husband and wife for eternity.

The third man was very careful and managed to avoid stepping on any ducks for 2 years and one day St. Peter came to him with a beautiful woman and pronounced them husband and wife. He leaned over to his gorgeous wife and said, "I don't know what I did to deserve this." She responded, " I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

2007-07-29 18:44:54 · 24 answers · asked by Jenn 3

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ***." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

2007-07-29 18:44:37 · 11 answers · asked by Ghost Rider 1

....I'm waiting, Do you say hi or run?

2007-07-29 18:26:59 · 4 answers · asked by JC 2

WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We
find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They
had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie, Giva, Fulla, Bull, and the twins Deep and Dip.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken. Two of the other
six children, Fulla and Giva, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.

2007-07-29 18:23:30 · 23 answers · asked by WHOISTHEPUPPETMASTER? 5

Two men are walking their dogs around town. One man has a german shepard, adn the other has a chihwawa. They want to stop to get some coffee, but no dogs are allowed in the coffee shop.

So the first man with the german shepard puts sunglasses on and walks into the shop. He starts to order, adn the cashier says, "no dogs are allowed in here."

The man says, "this is my guide dog. im blind." the cashiers says ok adn the man gets his coffee.

So the man's friend with the chihwawa walks trys the same technique. He puts his sunglasses on and walks into the shop. He gets stopped when the cashier yet again says, "No dogs allowed."

"But its my guide dog," says the man.

The cashier asks, "You have a chihuawa for a guide dog?"

And then the man says, "They gave me a chihuawa?!?!?!"

2007-07-29 18:21:33 · 11 answers · asked by swim chick 3

a man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair,while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex,don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous.If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey.I love you."To which his wife responds:"He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear.He told me he was gay,thought you were cute,and asked me if we had any vaseline.I told him it was in the bathroom.Be strong honey.I love you too!!"

2007-07-29 17:52:07 · 14 answers · asked by a_raphaell 2

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

2007-07-29 17:45:54 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Picture on the Night Stand
After a long night of intense love making, he notices a photo of
another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so cute when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery

2007-07-29 17:10:12 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pretty Chilling - read to the bottom. Try it out.
If you are a sceptical person - still read on as it's actually very interesting!!
This is actually really freaky!! (Mainly the end part, but read it all first)

1) New York City has 11 letters
2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.
3) Ramsin Yuseb has 11 letters. (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993)
4) George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets interesting:
1) New York is the 11th state.
2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.
3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers. 6 + 5 = 11
5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1 =11
6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911.

Sheer coincidence..?

Read on and make up your own mind:

1) The total number of victims inside

2007-07-29 17:05:57 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is brown and sounds like a bell?

2007-07-29 16:50:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-29 16:35:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

in history?


Ready?
Mrs. PacMan

For 25cents she swallows until she dies.

What a Girl

2007-07-29 16:28:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

it is easy to break and it run as fast as an ostrich,

what is it???

2007-07-29 16:19:39 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-29 15:51:40 · 21 answers · asked by Hicham M 1

A woman was so upset because her washer had broken. When her husband came home from work she said, "Honey can you please fix the dishwasher?"

He says" who do I look like, the maytag repairman?"
So she calls the maytag repairman and he comes and fixes it in one hour.

Sure enough the next day the refrigerator stops working. When the husband comes homes the wife asks him nicely, "Can you please take a look at the refrigerator?"

Again he replies, Who do I look like, the Sears maintenance guy?"
So the Sears guy comes and fixes it on one hour.

The next day the husband comes home from work and the wife says to him, " The AC broke today...but I knew you wouldnt want to fix it so I called the repairman. I told him I didnt have enough money to pay him after fixing everything else.

"So what happened?"

"Well he said I could either bake him a cake, or sleep with him."

"And you made him a cake, right?"

The wife laughed, "Who do I look like? Betty Crocker?!"

2007-07-29 15:01:33 · 16 answers · asked by Melissa B 2

Top Ten Signs You've Gone to a Bad Chiropractor

10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.
9. Keeps saying, "A spine is like a box of chocolates."
8. Repeatedly asks, "You a cop? You sure you ain't no cop?"
7. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by "Uh-oh."
6. There's a two-drink minimum.
5. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, "My turn!"
4. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he's covered with mud.
3. Rushes in late to your appointment, still wearing his Burger King uniform
2. Hints that for an extra $50, he'll "straighten" something else
1. You're fully-clothed and he's naked.

2007-07-29 14:44:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Go to MYSPACE.COM/RICHERTHANSUM and send a message to this person saying "U UGLY BASTARD HOW COULD U DO SUCH A THING!?" Can u please do this for m e I'm trying to prank someone beleive me they wont get mad just send that what I have in quotation marks please!!! However does this I'll choose them for best answer!!!!!!

2007-07-29 14:19:13 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Susie came home one day and said,"Mommy, Timmy just gave me $5.00 to do a cartwheel in front of him!" The mother said, "Susie, Timmy only did that because he wanted to see your underwear!"
The next day Little Susie came home and said, "Mommy, Timmy gave me $10.00 to do another cartwheel in front of him!". The mother, shocked, said, "Susie, didn't I tell you yesterday that Timmy only wanted to see your underwear??!!"
Little Susie said, "I know that, Mommy!! But, I tricked him today!! I DIDN'T WEAR ANY UNDERWEAR!!"

2007-07-29 14:14:58 · 14 answers · asked by 100% ♥Creole♥ 7

Your tongue, elbow, palm of hand, heel, and your toe??

her is mine:
Normal: Alexus
Tongue:alexus
Elbow:AQLEWXU7S
Palm Of Hand: aqlexs7uyws
Heel: aqedxdsu87ijzaxs
Toe:alexu87sx

AND NO DELETING!!!! THATS CHEATING AND DONT TELL ME I HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS OR THAT MY QUESTION IS STUPID!!!!

THNX

2007-07-29 14:08:57 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a man welded shut in a metal box. There is no way out of the box. The box contains a table, and a mirror. That is it. Somehow the man gets out of the box by his own free will. No one helps him. How does he get out?

2007-07-29 14:04:53 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

the more insulting the better. THanks :)

2007-07-29 14:01:44 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

He's the one with the sesame seed buns.

2007-07-29 13:34:41 · 13 answers · asked by philisopheyes 3