English Deutsch Français Italiano Español Português 繁體中文 Bahasa Indonesia Tiếng Việt ภาษาไทย
All categories

Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

"realistically". The dad said "oh thats easy, go ask ur mother if she'd have sex for a million $" ... she said yes, "ok, go ask ur sister"... she also said yes, wuts the point?

the father explains "We're potentially sitting on $2Million dollars, Realistically we are living with two whores"

2007-07-01 20:14:59 · 6 answers · asked by GROWING_impatient 2

0

I live in the open seas.

I am a mammal.

I am not a fish.

I have baleen instead of teeth.

I like to eat planton and krill.

I am huge, in fact, I am the biggest animal in all of the world.

Who am i

x kitti x

2007-07-01 19:25:01 · 27 answers · asked by misskitti7® 7

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:



"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

2007-07-01 19:17:45 · 10 answers · asked by PC 7

1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved it both times!
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

2007-07-01 19:09:34 · 6 answers · asked by PC 7

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.


2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.

In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.

2007-07-01 19:00:32 · 10 answers · asked by PC 7

whose fleece was white as snow
and everywhere that mary went
the lamb was sure to go
one day mary got
tired of being stalked
she shoved that lamb into a bowling pot

2007-07-01 17:33:16 · 14 answers · asked by Mr. Nobody 5

name 5 things a woman can do that a man cant(come on the wiseguys)..first with correct answer gets 10 points

2007-07-01 16:46:00 · 14 answers · asked by josey 3

Ouch!

2007-07-01 16:30:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think if I have ESP and PMS at the same time , that's would make me a bitc* that knows everything....lol

2007-07-01 16:15:52 · 12 answers · asked by ღ♥ஐcookie1ஐ♥ღ 6

no offence to anybody i dont mean to be mean..ok??

wat do gurlz do wen a man beats them

white = call the cops

black= hit bak

puerto rican = call uncles brothers cousins fathers

2007-07-01 14:59:26 · 9 answers · asked by 5

This is not a hard laughing joke.

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Colorado.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Colorado. We settle small disagreements like this with the Colorado Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Colorado Three-Kick Rule?"

2007-07-01 14:47:37 · 14 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2007-07-01 14:44:05 · 5 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

This is not a hard laughing joke.

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild just fell out of the window!"

2007-07-01 14:40:58 · 4 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The
trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them
ten days to get there.


When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Roy
"I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried,
He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it.


So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle
opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as
he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after
they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the
sandwiches, he finally agrees.

* So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace.**
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are
starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still
isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it
any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about
to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,


**"I KNEW IT...U LIARS......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"*

2007-07-01 14:29:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

it was a school day the 7th graders were studying drugs and how they cause side-effects of what they do such as hallucination.

and the teacher was explaining what hallucination is "hallucintion is one of those moments where you see something thats not even there but you do think it really is there. you can sometimes think you feel something that not there either!"

so a student asked "then how do we know if your there?"

2007-07-01 13:41:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A truck driver kills every Hobo he sees on the side of the street. Well one day he waz driving on the Highway and he see's a preist. He decides to pick him up. As he is driving down the road... he see's a Hobo walking... so he decides to act like he is a asleep and swerves towards the Hobo.. he fake wakes up and swerves away. "Dang it!" ,he says (Cause he missed) ,... the preist says don't worry about it I hit the Hobo with the door.

2007-07-01 13:27:38 · 21 answers · asked by Soopa Man 2

so to dumb bros have notin fun to do and no grocerys,so they dicide to get a job after the job they buy the grocerys but only have 7$ left they try to think of something to do 4 7$ 1 bro thinks of something so he goes and buy it , he comes back with a box of tapons the other bro says wat will we do with that he says read the back it says u can go swimmin,runnin,hikein,and boating!!!

2007-07-01 13:15:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

my favorite word begins with F and ends in U C K, my favorite word is firetruck, what'd you think I'd say?



There was a duck. He went down the way to store. There he said, to the manager, "Got any grapes?" and the manager coolly replied, "Nope."

Tomorrow there was a duck. Yep, the same duck. He went down the way to the store. There he said, to the manager, "Got any grapes?" and the manager a little flustered replied, "You again? We still don't have grapes, okay?!" the duck hurried out.

Tomorrow the duck returned. He said, "Got any grapes?" "NO! IF YOU ASK ME THAT ONCE MORE, I WILL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THAT COLUMN!" The manager fumed, pointing to the roundish pole that went from the ceiling to the floor (a column). the duck left.

The next day, however, the duck went back to the store. "I'm getting you and nailing you, too!"
"But i haven't asked, yet!"☺
"Oh alright."
"Got any nails?"☺
"Well, no."
"Got any grapes?" ☺

2007-07-01 13:01:39 · 8 answers · asked by hottie 2

A woman and her baby are trapped in a burning building. A fireman looks in the window and says, "throw me your baby and i'll catch him. I've been the firemen soccer team golie for 10 years and I'v never let a ball pass me." Trusting the fireman she throws her baby to him. The Fireman catches the baby bounces him on the ground and kicks him over the street.




A boy asks his mom for a glass of water. The mom says " You've already had 10, what would you need another for?" The Boy replies "I know i used ten but my rooms on fire."




Thats all Folks.

2007-07-01 12:42:39 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

3

How do you know a squirrel is on drugs?
He plays with his nuts instead of storing them for the winter.

2007-07-01 12:33:10 · 4 answers · asked by Commander 3

Three women died and went to heaven when they got their a lil old man greeted them and told them that what ever they did don't step on a duck.
Ok they all agreed
The first woman went three days until she stepped on a duck the lil man appeared and told the woman since you stepped on a duck i now have to chain you to one of the ugliest men ever so he chains them up and they dissapear
The next woman goes 1 week until she steps on a duck a the same thing happens to her.
The last woman has been going for three weeks until the lil man appears and she says wait i haven't stepped on a duck and he says i know im rewarding you buy chaining you to the one of the best looking guys ever. He chains them up and she says wow what did i do to be chained to you
And he says I don't know but i stepped on a duck..
Haha

2007-07-01 12:29:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A baby was just born...He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like mad. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing in front of the worried parents but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyelids. One at a time, a paediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and...guess what he found???
































THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL ! :)

2007-07-01 12:20:16 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jim phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pyjamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
Jim rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologises for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, Jim returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
Jim replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in with your tackle box!" (Revenge is sweet :)

2007-07-01 12:11:01 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbour Jim sees him and asks what he has.
Bob replies, "It's chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens."
Jim says, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire."
Later that night he sees Bob walking down the street dragging 12 chickens....
The following day he sees Bob walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again Jim asks what he's up to. Bob says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks.
Jim replies, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough, later that night, he sees Bob walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.
The next day, he sees the Bob walking down the street again with something else under his arm. He asks what it is.
Bob replies, "It's a pus*y willow tree."
The neighbour says, "Hold on, let me get my coat."

2007-07-01 12:04:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde Moments...

*she called me to get my phone number.

*she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate."

*she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home.... she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said: "Airport Left"
she turned around and went home

2007-07-01 11:50:24 · 16 answers · asked by Tato 2

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the wardrobe.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the wardrobe with the little boy.
The little boy says "Dark in here."
The man says "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "Okay, how much?"
Boy - "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the wardrobe together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "£1,000."
The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says "Dark in here."
The priest says "Don't start that s**t again."

2007-07-01 11:49:42 · 11 answers · asked by josey 3

The weather was very hot and Bob wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he was getting out of the water, when he noticed two old ladies walking on the shore in his direction. He panicked, and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in from of his privates and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: "You know, i have a special gift. I can read minds."
"Impossible," said the embarrassed Bob. You really know what I think?"
"Yes," the lady replied..."Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom." :)

2007-07-01 11:43:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-01 11:40:34 · 50 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a construction worker left the job a little early and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his private part in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "STOP, STOP!" You're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are.....I'm going to set the garage on fire!"

2007-07-01 11:18:46 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

fedest.com, questions and answers