Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to have a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare-looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looks at her and says, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyways.

The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school.

When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"

2007-07-02 18:25:46 · 20 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

What do call a group of balding rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.

2007-07-02 17:56:30 · 5 answers · asked by Commander 3

2007-07-02 16:50:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)


Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
Are marbles made of marble?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to Knockers?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Do stairs go up or down?
Why do bullies always ask "what’s your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities they are put in an mental hospital, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?
Why doesn't baking soda freeze?
Do bald people get dandruff?
Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?
"What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"
If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
Whats a question with no answer called?
Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?
Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your skin that color?
Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?
Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?
How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
Why is there a little countdown (like 8, 7, 6, 5, 4) near the bottom of the copyright info page in the beginning of many books?
If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?
Why do cats like to dig their paws into something before they lay down on it?
When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?
Is it possible to be allergic to water?
What is the point in saying "may I ask" and then follow it up with a question?
Why is there never a full English dinner or tea but there is always a full English breakfast?
Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats?
If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?
If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?
Can a unborn baby fart or burp?
Why does jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the scent virtually disappears?
Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?
If French kissing is a big thing in America, how do French people react to normal American kissing?
Can you "zone out" and be "in the zone" at the same time?
Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
Is the vice president's wife called the second lady?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
If your eyes are crossed, do your tears fall straight?
Why do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies?
If a vampire were Jewish would his Sabbath start at sunrise?
Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on?
Do they put underwear on corpses?
Do bubbles freeze in winter?
What sound does a bunny make?
If you had only one hand, would second hand smoking effect you?
Do suicide hotlines have hold?
Have you ever wondered why in the 1500's nude photos/painting were art, while today it's pornography?
If you are old and are in a bathtub how would you know if you have been in there too long?
If you can see your breath outide on a cold day, could you see your fart?
If you wear contact lens and you died with them in your eyes, do they take them out?

Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch? Can you cry under water?
Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother?


Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?
Can bald men get lice??
Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?
Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
Why are Pringles curved?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Can mute people burp?
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
What is a male ladybug called?


Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick'name?
Do cows drink milk?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
What does OK actually mean?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Do birds pee?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
Can dogs have dog days?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"?
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
Do pigs pull ham strings?
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
Isn't it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch?

2007-07-02 16:46:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two cannibals are eating a clown...

One pauses and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

haha he he ha, i'll be here all week!

2007-07-02 16:17:15 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who's the most popular man at the nude beach.

The guy who can carry a dozen doughnuts and two cups of coffee.

Who's the most popular woman at the nude beach?

The girl who can eat the last doughnut.

2007-07-02 16:09:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man bumps into a friend and sees that his friend's car is
a total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt
and blood.

He asks his friend, "What happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responds, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what
about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all the way through the park..."

2007-07-02 15:51:45 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

My uncle is a loser. He picks his nose and farts in my face. He also walks around with an underwear in his hand. So, is he cool, or is he an idiot?

2007-07-02 15:48:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Seamus went to Chapel to attend confession with Fr.Murphy he stepped into the confessional knelt down and said "Bless me Father for I have sinned, I've blown up 300 miles of English railroad," Fr Murphy said "For you're penance do the stations,"

2007-07-02 15:48:24 · 8 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

When they do tequila shots or margaritas, do they salt the(ir) "rim"

2007-07-02 15:37:53 · 1 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL..
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15 My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father"

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

2007-07-02 15:31:12 · 21 answers · asked by ***My Blǿǿdy Fätê♥ 4

I'm bored. Whoever gets it right gets the best answer. So if someone has already answered with a color that you were thinking of, come up with a new one because if threre is a double of the correct answer I will pick whoever was first. Also if there is a funny answer I might choose that.

2007-07-02 14:48:39 · 17 answers · asked by Alexis-Leigh B 1

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2007-07-02 14:47:38 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Depends!!

2007-07-02 14:17:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is Ryan McTavish's favorite cookie?
I dunno, what is Ryan McTavish's favorite cookie?
Hey Ryan McTavish, what is your favorite cookie?
CHIPS AHOY-HOY-HOY-HOY (the hoy hoy hoy part is my world renowned laugh)

2007-07-02 14:17:26 · 5 answers · asked by Maninblack 1

Ive seen the booze IV done before...

2007-07-02 14:04:56 · 3 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

I want everyone to post meow to my thread. It's pointless and stupid I know, but I don't care!!

2007-07-02 14:02:45 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do their families dress them up as scarecrows on Halloween or prop them up on crosses during Easter?

2007-07-02 13:58:31 · 1 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

2007-07-02 13:45:31 · 19 answers · asked by josey 3

Four Dads went golfing one day. Three of them
headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the
clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men
started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a
homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a
friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son is a car salesman and
now he owns a multiline dealership. He is so
successful
that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged,
"My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that
he
gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few
minutes of taking care of business. The first man
mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is
yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and
dances in a gaybar. I'm not totally thrilled about the
dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three
boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and
an entire stock portfolio!

2007-07-02 13:40:10 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. he proceeds to take off his trousers and throws them at her. "he says put those on" the bride replies i cant wear your trousers. he replies and dont forget that. i will always wear the pants in the family. the bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request."try those on she says". he replies i cant get in to your knickers. and you never bloody will if you dont change your attitude

2007-07-02 13:13:10 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little kid asks his dad 'will you take a shower with me?' and he says 'alright, as long as you dont look down'
the disobedient child looks down and asks what that is. The dad replies 'that is my snake.'
the next day, the little kind asks his mom 'will you take a shower with me?' and she says 'ok, as long as you dont look up or down.' and the little kid looks up and asks what that is and she says those are my headlights. Then he looks down and asks what that is and she says that is my garden.
That night the kid has a nightmare and runs into his parents room. When he turns up the light he screams 'MOMMY MOMMY! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS, THERE'S A SNAKE IN YOUR GARDEN!'

haha star if you like it!

2007-07-02 12:41:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

be in a room filled with snakes
or live with somebody with bad breath all your life?

2007-07-02 12:24:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

US President George W. Bush, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad die and are all guided to Hell.
Satan, after greeting them, tells them that they each have the chance to call someone on earth.
Bush calls Condi, talks to her about Iran's nuke threat and the need to halt it.
The call lasts twenty seconds. Satan gives him a one million dollar bill for it.
Blair then in his trun calls No 10 Downing Street, advisinig the British PM not to forget to obey the orders of the White House. The call lasts 15 seconds. Satan gives him a 1.5 million pound bill for it.
Then Ahmadinejad calls Khamenei, speaking to him in details about Iran's nuclear dossier, campaign against finacial corruption, employment, and dozens of other issues for a whole 30 minute. Satan gives him a 50 cent bill for the call, at which Bush and Blair object seriously. He replies, "Yours were long distance calls, but is call was local!

2007-07-02 12:21:50 · 5 answers · asked by Nader Ali 4

pregnant

2007-07-02 12:21:14 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the person won American Idol and then we went in there so fast. They went to the store but they were so bad that they had to go to Charm School. But they wanted to find luv so they went to Flav. But my house had burnd down so they came to me and said sorry Santa didn't bring your milk and cookies. So the elfs went and told santa why he didn't my milk or eat my cookies. So we went to the park to go to the North Pole but it was closed. I went back to the store but the Charm School girls were still there eating santa's milk and cookies. How come santa didn't bring me my milk and cookies?

2007-07-02 12:14:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

she sees a really old magical looking mirror that she decides to buy, when she gets home she hangs it on the bedroom door,later when she gets out of the bath she stands in front of the mirror and says mirror mirror on the door make my bust a 44 theres a flash of light and her bust is bigger, she runs to her husband excitedly and tells him, he goes in the bedroom with her and stands in front of the mirror with his fingers crossed and says mirror mirror on the door make my penis touch the floor theres a flash of light then his legs fall of

2007-07-02 12:09:52 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-02 12:00:33 · 6 answers · asked by k-freshh 2

A a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walked into a room which contained a mirror inside. If you talked to the mirror and told a lie, it would suck you up. If you told the truth, it would give you a wish.
The brunette went first. She said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world." And the mirror sucked her up.

Then the redhead went. She said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world." And the mirror sucked her up.

So then the blonde went. She said, "I think..." And the mirror sucked her up.

2007-07-02 11:43:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his son were driving down the highway when they have an accident. The father dies instantly. The son is rushed to the hospital and a surgeon is called in. The surgeon takes one look at the boy and says, I can't operate on him, hes my son. Who was the surgeon?

2007-07-02 11:31:51 · 30 answers · asked by jenx 6