Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Take away the whole and some still remains. What is it?

2007-07-03 14:57:13 · 30 answers · asked by Keep on Truckin' 4

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out,
But 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out,
Can you guess the riddle?
AND TRUST ME;
IT WAS THE MOST SIMPLEST THING YOU WOULDNT HAVE GUESSED

2007-07-03 14:09:34 · 21 answers · asked by dreamer20692000 3

Answer: Single women come home,see what's in the fridge and go to bed.Married women come home,see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.........sorry guys ,just a joke.........

2007-07-03 13:50:05 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

here is a question that u have probably heard before but im going to ask it anyway
so there is a hurrican coming and u r driving by a bus stop at the bus stop there are three people: one is you'r best friend that has saved your life before, the second is and old lady that is in need of a hospital, and the third person is the guy/girl of you dreams you only have room for one more person in your car who would you take from the bus stop remeber there is a hurricane coming
the person that has the same answer as me will get 10 points

2007-07-03 13:27:48 · 30 answers · asked by soccerbabe2417 3

An eight year old boy brings home a report card that has bad grades in Math. His parents thought he might do better in a Catholic school.
On his next report card, he was receiving an A in Math from the new school.
Curious about the change, his parents asked if the new school had different methods of teaching or different books.
The boy replied "No, everything is the same, except they care more about math there than the other school."
His parents asked "How can you tell?"
he replied "Because they wear little plus signs around their necks."

2007-07-03 13:26:23 · 3 answers · asked by Ryan H 2

Three strings were standing outside of a bar. On the door the sign said, "NO STRINGS ALLOWED". The first string goes in, orders a beer, and the bartender said, "can't you read? No strings allowed!" So the second string trys, and the bartender repeated, "I just told your friend, NO STRINGS ALLOWED! NOW GET OUT!"
So the third string rubbed his hands through his hair real fast, tied himself into a knot, and goes in and orders a beer.
after bringing the beer the bartender winces one eye and tilts his head. "Hey. Are you a string?"
The string replied, "no, I'm afraid not".

2007-07-03 13:26:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-03 13:24:27 · 18 answers · asked by jtn 3

A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet other.Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are,so they decides to feel each other.

The rabbit says,"You feel me first."The snake says okay,and he starts feeling the rabbit.

He says,"Well, you have fur all over,and a little cotton tail,and two long ears,and big back legs.

The rabbit says,"I know! i'm a rabbit!Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says,"Okay,you're long and thin and slimy all over,and there's a little forked tougue..."

The snake says,"Oh no!" I'm Lawyer."

2007-07-03 13:11:26 · 15 answers · asked by "!" 5

For anyone that's watched Mock the Week you will understand. The idea is to come up with the funniest line possible to complete the sentance (Only 1 sentance allowed) and the funniest answer will recieve 10 points.

Finish this:

Rejected letters sent to Paris in prison

2007-07-03 12:59:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A passer-by watched two workmen in a park.One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

"Tell me,'said the passer-by,What on earth are you doing?"

"Well,'said paddy,'usually there are the three, jock,denzial,and I . jock plants denzial fills and I digs the hole."

O,says the passer by! BUT!!".

Today jocks of sick,but that dose'nt mean denzial and I have to take the day off,dose it?'

2007-07-03 12:47:04 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

2007-07-03 12:46:10 · 13 answers · asked by I <3 Izzy. 4

that car???!!!

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back.
He claimed he was stranded and told me to sell his new Porsche and then send him the money.

So I did."

Are women good or what?!

2007-07-03 12:35:23 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

My wife is missing

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

2007-07-03 12:25:59 · 28 answers · asked by I <3 Izzy. 4

A young blonde housewife calls her husband at work one day and asks him: "Hi Honey, Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, you see, I started this really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces!"

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

Later that evening, the husband arrives home and sees his wife still with a puzzled look on her face. He says to her: "Ok... time to put the corn flakes back into the box!

2007-07-03 12:14:02 · 5 answers · asked by hardcoredlw 5

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Little Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

"No".

Little Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

"I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

"No."

"Do you know what I think?"

"Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

"No."

"Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

"Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue. "

2007-07-03 11:53:14 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A feisty 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

Standing before the Judge, she was asked, " What did you steal?"

"A can of peaches," she replied.

The Judge then asked her why she had stolen them.

"I was hungry," she said.

The Judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, “6”.

The Judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." But before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the Judge if he could say something.

"What?" said the Judge.

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

2007-07-03 11:47:52 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cowboy rides into town. He ties his horse up in front of the bar and walks next door to see the blacksmith. He ask the blacksmith if he could tam down his horse but he didn't wont it to hurt, because it was his favorite horse. The blacksmith tells the cowboy, Sure I can, It wont hurt abit. As the cowboy walks into the bar he looks back to see the blacksmith behind the horse. He slams the horse's nuts between two bricks. The horse drops to the ground with tears in his eyes. The angry cowboy comes running over and says,I thought U said it wasnt going to hurt!!! The blacksmith turns to him and says, It dosen't, as long as U dont get your fingers caught in between the two bricks...

2007-07-03 11:40:28 · 5 answers · asked by waterboy 1

do you ever get a little tired and have to read the last 4 or 5 pages again? Even though you've already read them, you just have'nt a clue what you read.

2007-07-03 11:36:05 · 29 answers · asked by shane c 2

2007-07-03 11:35:05 · 5 answers · asked by cats 7

A very keen golfer was in the clubhouse when the local priest called in, 'Father,' said the man, 'do they play golf in heaven?'

'I don't know, my son,' said the priest, 'but I will ask God for you.'

A week later the man was in the clubhouse once more when again the priest called in. 'Well?' Said the man.

'Well,' said the priest, 'I have some good news for you and some bad news. The good news is, yes they do play golf in heaven.'

'And the bad news?' the man asked.

'You're teeing off in a four ball next Saturday.'

2007-07-03 11:26:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman finally gets the courage to tell her father she's a lesbian. The father doesn't get mad, but wipes a tear from his eye. "It's a bit of a shock, but I'm OK with it" he says, "Why are you crying Dad?" "Well I was just thinking about what I won't be able to do, Walk you down the aisle on your wedding day, babysit the grandkids, you know..?" A few hours later the woman walks in and sees her Dad watching a football game and drinking a beer, and notices her vibrator propped up on a chair with a beer next to it" A little embarassed she asks her father what's going on. "Damn it can't I at least have a beer with my new son-in-law?"

2007-07-03 11:15:23 · 20 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

Police Have given the names, of two Suspected terrorists, involved with trying to blow up Glasgow Airport:
They are,
Dr Singe Majeep, and
Dr Mustaffa Skingraft.

Breaking News By Mustaffa Laff

2007-07-03 11:10:05 · 30 answers · asked by raybbies 5

Make out wiht the president
OR
Be gnawed to death by a donkey with teeth as sharp as knives

2007-07-03 11:09:55 · 15 answers · asked by Grilled cheese lover 2

2 co-workers Bill and Joe were chatting at the water cooler.
"I've got the worst headache of my life", says Bill.
"You know what I do when I'm down with a headache?", says Joe. "I grab my wife and make passionate love to her, and HEY PRESTO! Headache's gone.!"
"Wow lemme try that", says Bill, and leaves.

An hour later Bill skips into office jauntily.
"Ahhh my remedy works, eh?" asks Joe
"You betcha!", says Bill, "Oh, and that's a lovely house you have there!"

2007-07-03 11:04:46 · 17 answers · asked by maverick_youth 4

Doctor do you think I could live another 40 years ? The doctor then asks '' Well' do you Smoke ?.. The man replies, ''No. Well do you drink ,? No says the man , Well do you seek out nice women to have sex with ? God no' says the man. Well then why the F**k do you want to live another 40 years for..??

2007-07-03 11:03:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old lady gets on an elevator with two women who are wearing so much perfume it makes the poor old lady's eyes water. "What is that scent you're wearing?" the old lady asks the brunette. "Oh this is Secret Rendezvous! One hundred dollars an ounce at Macy's!", she asks the blonde "And what is it you are wearing?" "Oh, it's Fantasy Encounter, TWO Hundred dollars an ounce at Bloomingdales!", Just before the old lady steps off the elevator she rips a huge fart, "That's cabbage 59 cents a pound at Safeway!" Enjoy!"

2007-07-03 10:54:51 · 7 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass Of Home'.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual

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Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly

'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' said Dolly

'It's true, straight up, no bull!'

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's bloody heavy.'

--------------------
So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died."

2007-07-03 10:49:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

As you can see i am an ostrich...For you hungry peoples please dont eat me...i have a Counter Strike match to go to in 30 min. I am an unstopable ostrich when it comes to counter strike.

2007-07-03 10:48:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

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A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage and his reputation, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the child was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today". "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Two with meatballs and one without! Request bread..."

2007-07-03 10:37:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three men that were about to be shot by a navy captain and some of his crew. They got their guns ready to shoot the first man. " Ready,Aim," the captain said, aiming his gun at the man against the wall. " Flood!" the first man interrupted,lying. The Captain and crew dropped their guns and looked to where he was pointin, while the man ran away.

They got ready to shoot the second man,and again the captain was interrupted. "tornado!" The second man yelled,lying. Again, the captain and crew dropped their guns and looked to where he was pointing, while the second man ran away.

Now the third man was ready to go, because he had learned from the two before him. The captain and crew got ready to shoot him, and again the captain was interrupted. "Fire!!" Yelled the third man, also lying. That was the last word he ever said before they shot him.

2007-07-03 10:25:17 · 11 answers · asked by Draco Malfoy 3