Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

What does Star Trek & Toilet Paper have in common? One circles around Uranus, while the other wipes out the Clingons.

2007-07-31 13:54:11 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

How can you distribute three apples to two fathers and their two sons, giving a whole apple to each.

2007-07-31 13:19:34 · 17 answers · asked by HARRIS 3

A man walks into the bar and say's, "Bartender" give me a Beer...while sipping his drink noticed a sign hanging in back of the bartenders head that read, "$100 to whomever makes my horse laugh" So being as broke as I was trying to drink my troubles away, I slipped out the back, later returned and said there, now where's my $100., Bartender said, but I don't understand how? The man whispered "I told him my @#@ was bigger than his, and the horse laughed" The next day he saw the same sign with $200. up for making the horse cry, again he slips out back, returning soon saying ok so where's my $200., WHAT the bartender replied, HOW?, The man said first I told the horse mine was bigger than his, this time I proved it...

2007-07-31 13:18:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

to get to the center of a tootsie roll!!

2007-07-31 13:11:06 · 27 answers · asked by Cindy 1

2007-07-31 13:08:20 · 10 answers · asked by Tr4ck4Inc@ 2

I was having a conversation with my 8 year old son when i told him that it was hot outside when he was helping me with the lawn work. He replied," I don't know why it was so hot outside anyway's". I replied to him saying, "It wasn't so much the heat, it was the humidity", He replied saying "Yeah, it was the humility"

2007-07-31 13:08:12 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple walked into a Jamaican Sandals shop.


The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special
sandals I think you would be interested in.
Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after what the man claimed, but her
husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could
sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

So, the husband, after some badgering, tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he
got this wild look in his eyes, something his
wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed
the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down
his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the
Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,
You got dem on da wrong feet, Mon!

2007-07-31 13:05:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

" Son, do you know too much Masturbation can make you blind " ? And his son says to his father " Dad, Im over here ".

2007-07-31 12:58:52 · 6 answers · asked by Li'l Devil 3

Here is a short joke:
Polish man:I think my wife is trying to kill me!
Man: How's that?
Polish man: I looked in the medicine cabinent and found a bottle that said "Polish Remover"

2007-07-31 12:48:10 · 12 answers · asked by qųěęŋ ŏf ħęãŗţş 3

There were three to be executed, a Mykla, a Calamity and a Whale called jim jr m. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. Calamity was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged.the girl chose the electric chair. she sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that she could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set her free.

The girl called Mykla was also afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged so she too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and she was free.

Next it was the Whale jim jr m's turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".

2007-07-31 12:44:56 · 17 answers · asked by "!" 5

a "TRICK QUESTION"
I walk up and see a pretty hooker,& she asks me "Hiya doin'?"

2007-07-31 12:43:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-31 12:40:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A PILOT YOU RACIST!!!


sorry, my friend told me that like a week ago, and i just thought i would share a laugh with yall! =D





A PILOT YOU RACIST!!






A PIOLET!!! YOU RACIST!!

2007-07-31 12:31:17 · 5 answers · asked by jill 3

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

2007-07-31 12:24:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do u call a vegitarian with diarrehia?
(no offense to vegitarians)
--A SALAD SHOOTER!!!---

give me a star if u laughed

2007-07-31 12:05:43 · 6 answers · asked by musicbaybee 2

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's the matter?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten scum," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids."

2007-07-31 12:01:01 · 22 answers · asked by _~^*^~_ Ninja Fighter_~^*^~_ 4

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should reconsider their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned....

2007-07-31 11:57:14 · 4 answers · asked by Mike C 3

Before anyone gets angry, look at the category this is in.

2007-07-31 11:42:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of the passengers said were getting too close to the ground guys you can stop foolin around now and fly this plane.
The two pilots got back to the cockpit and one says to the other.
"one of these days somebody won't warn us in time.

2007-07-31 11:41:19 · 13 answers · asked by ya-who 5

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.



Last year when one flea gets to Miami , he's all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New York in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by...when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley."

2007-07-31 11:23:36 · 13 answers · asked by ? 6

A long haired youth was hitching a ride in the Deep South.After a few minutes a truck stopped and the boy got in.
They drove for about twenty miles and very few words were spoken,the trucker occasionally giving the boy a mean stare.
The boy said, ’ You haven’t asked me yet if I’m aboy or a girl. ’
’ It don’t make no difference, I’m gonna **** you anyway ’ replied the trucker.

2007-07-31 11:17:41 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-31 11:13:03 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "son, you know all that candy isn't good for you. It will rot your teeth,give you acne and make you fat."
Little Billy replied, "My Grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh" replied the man. "Did he eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No " replied little Billy. "He minded his own F***king business !

2007-07-31 11:00:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when
a masked
>robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach.
>
>Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the
tiny
>bullets in because it was too risky to operate on the babies.
She gave
>birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
>
>All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in
>tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle
and this
>bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it
was okay
>and explained what happened 16 years ago.
>
>About a month later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears.
>"Mom,
>I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the
mother told
>her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
>
>A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "Its okay"
said the
>Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a
bullet came
>out."
>
>"No," said the boy, "I wa

2007-07-31 10:57:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk
cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!

2007-07-31 10:54:49 · 21 answers · asked by josey 3

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy Class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go Ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention.

2007-07-31 10:46:52 · 8 answers · asked by Dreamer 3

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

2007-07-31 10:31:07 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night Smila brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.
"How lovely, dear," she said, "what's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you," he said simply.
"Not tonight, dear, I have a headache."
The next day Smila came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love to her.
"I'm actually tired," said the wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week poor Smila brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was 'no' Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.
"How adorable Smila!" she cried. "But what are they for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pus*y.

2007-07-31 10:29:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

my 23 year old brother says that all the crippled and deformed animals should be burned up or put to sleep. he also said that if he seen a hurt cat on the street he would just leave it and let it die.
what do you think about this?? i think hes being an asshole.

2007-07-31 10:00:04 · 9 answers · asked by Nick123 2

One day, Jim Jr M is enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below the seas surface when he notices a bloke at the same depth, but without any scuba gear whatsoever.

Jim Jr M goes down another 20 feet and, after a few minutes, the bloke joins him.

Jim Jr M goes down another 25 feet more and, minutes later, the same bloke joins him again.

This confuses Jim Jr M, so he takes out a waterproof chalkboard set and writes, "How the hell are you able to stay this deep under water without breathing apparatus?"

The other guy grabs the board, erases the question, and scribbles, "I'm drowning, you bloody moron!"

2007-07-31 09:53:56 · 11 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5