Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

look outfolks the queen of the jokers is back xx got some competition now so will have to crank it up a notch xxx welcome back oh queen xxxx
Just a quickie :
90 year old being interviewed by the local paper on the occasion of his birthday.
"To what to you ascibe your remarkable longevity ?"
" I never touched alcohol all my life. And I have remained clibate so that I could keep myself free from sin."
Reporter "Well, um , yes, very interesting ".
Then there is a crash and thump from the upstairs room .
"What was that ? " asked the reporter.
" Oh, probably Dad, drunk and chasing the housemaid again."

2007-07-30 03:54:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cop on horse says to little girl on her shiny new bike; "nice bike did santa bring you it?", "yep, he sure did" says little girl "well next time tell him you need a reflector light on it!" and fines her $10, little girls looks up at cop and says "nice horse, did santa get you it?" cop laughs and say" yep, he sure did " "well next time youd better let santa kno that the dick is supposed to be under the horse"

2007-07-30 02:14:59 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."

2007-07-30 01:58:04 · 12 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

This is a true story. I'll reveal later what actually happened.

I'm curious as to what you all think would be a funny way of ending the joke.

A dentist sees a new young patient for the first time and his mother has accompanied him into the examination room. When the dentist reads the child's chart and notices his name is Dante he turns to the mother and says,

"That's a name I don't come across very often, have you heard of Dante's Inferno?"

The mother replies"_______________".

2007-07-30 00:58:55 · 1 answers · asked by ericbryce2 7

2007-07-30 00:49:33 · 8 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

what would happen if you were travelling at the speed of light and you turned a light on???

2007-07-30 00:44:33 · 8 answers · asked by Thank Me Later... 4

Tooth Hurty.

2007-07-29 23:56:48 · 21 answers · asked by Paul T 4

Briefing on Land Mines ***
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."


Stopped by a Cop ****
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home.Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

The cop let him go.

2007-07-29 23:39:34 · 34 answers · asked by PnkFlr 5

A man was so fed up with the bad sex at home that one day after work he decided he would screw the secratary, he bought her a few drinks and complimented her a lot and they went to her place and screwed, after half an hour the man realises he has to get home so he puts on his clothes and tells the secratary to wipe his shoes in the mud, the man arrives home later and his wife yells "Where the hell have you been?"
and he replies "well i'll be honest with you, im fed up with the terrible sex and so i chatted up the secratary and screwed her"
the wife then looks at his shoes and shouts "YOU lying b*stard you've been playing golf again!"

2007-07-29 23:24:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

....dead in a suitcase at the bottom of the Thames river...


Who said men can't pack?

2007-07-29 23:22:17 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is so fragile that when you say its name you break it?

2007-07-29 23:21:49 · 8 answers · asked by MonkeeBizness 2

How did the blonde kill the earthworm.?
She buried it.

They say that St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland.
What they don't say is that he was the only one to see any snakes in Ireland

2007-07-29 22:41:55 · 23 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Office Assistant Wanted
Must be computer literate
Must be Efficient
Bilingual.
Equal opportunity is given.

A dog stepped into the office, went to the boss, showed him the ad on the door and barked.
Boss: So, you want that job. Uh?
Dog: Wow Wow.
Boss; Are you computer literate?
Dog: Wow.
The boss gave some data to the dog to feed into the computer. The dog did that in seconds which could have taken some minutes, The boss was shocked.
Boss to check his effeciency, gave him some transactions and asked the dog to prepare a balance sheet. The dog finished that in 5 minutes flat. The boss was impressed but still reluctant to give the job to a dog. So the boss said: ' Look, you are a dog. How can recruit a dog for an office job?'
The dog went to the ad, showed the ' equal- opportunity' part of it and barked.
The boss thought I caught you here and said : ' The candidate must be bilingual. What do you say for that?' The Dog : 'Meow'

2007-07-29 22:16:35 · 10 answers · asked by SAMMYBOY 2

Man and woman making out in his car.
She says to him "kiss me where its wet"
He starts the car and drives her to Tewkesbury.

I'd like to apologize to all the people who got flooded for this joke. Hope your all dried out soon!

2007-07-29 22:11:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling her hand. “Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.

“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked mom.

“I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away.”

Confused, but weary of the child’s whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it. “Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!” whined the little one.

“What are you talking about?” asked her increasingly perplexed parent.

“Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever her friend gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider!”

2007-07-29 22:03:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

David Milliband

2007-07-29 21:46:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife arrives home after a business trip and finds her husband in bed with a gorgeous college student. Just as the wife is about to storm out of the house, the husband says, “Before you leave you should know exactly how this came about. This afternoon Julie here rang our doorbell and asked for clothing donations for a charity. I gave her those shoes you no longer wear. I rummaged around and found that birthday sweater you hate and all the suits you claim don’t fit you anymore. So I donated them too. Then she asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ So, here we are.”

2007-07-29 21:45:50 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife was vacuuming the bedroom when she hit something under the bed. When she pulled the object out, she discovered it was a shiny silver box containing nine golf balls and $2,500 in cash. When her husband came home she asked, “Honey, what’s with the box? There are nine golf balls and a bunch of cash in here.”

“Well,” said her husband, “every time we’ve had bad sex, I put a golf ball in there.”

“That’s not bad,” his wife replied, “We’ve been married for over 20 years and there are only nine balls, but what’s with the money?”

“Well, every time I got a dozen balls, I sold them.”

2007-07-29 21:43:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple returns from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replies the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nods gently and says, "I don't know if I can get over it, though. She gave me $20 change!"

2007-07-29 21:35:18 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

2007-07-29 21:35:14 · 13 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

2007-07-29 21:34:33 · 7 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

2007-07-29 21:33:50 · 15 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

2007-07-29 21:33:04 · 19 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

2007-07-29 21:32:21 · 8 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?

2007-07-29 21:31:29 · 13 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

2007-07-29 21:29:56 · 10 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls. The man says "You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster." The boy replies, "I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren."

2007-07-29 21:28:27 · 9 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Subject: Love is in the air



One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.



" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.



He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

2007-07-29 21:22:04 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A women age 36 have a dream that night, she dream of a god, the God told her that she can lived until 96 yr old , and that women so happy!!!. She do lot of make up on his look and face, and she do some surgery on her look ,to look like a superstar, but after a while she get knock down by a big lorry and dead!!!. After her death, she saw the God again and she told him " You say i can lived until 96 yr old why am i die now" Den the God say to her " Sorry i cant recognise you!!!"

2007-07-29 20:55:46 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman has an operation and becomes a man. What game console best describes her?

2007-07-29 20:44:55 · 9 answers · asked by Ras 4