Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

2007-07-30 09:36:32 · 8 answers · asked by Miss Megan Up4Grabs 4

just come on to let you know i'm at work (on a 5 min break) working till 2am so won't be around tonight, see you all tomoro morning if my connection is back on!!! (pc down at home today)

My question is, are you all having fun while i'm busy slogging my guts out at work, and what are you doing right now??

2007-07-30 09:29:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't like riddles that much -- not a big fan of them. I want to read only jokes. I am sure the some people feel the same way about riddles. why are they together -- it is so annoying.

2007-07-30 09:28:22 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone like Rush of fools?

2007-07-30 09:27:06 · 1 answers · asked by Erik M 1

I will describe something, and you need to tell me what it is. Be careful--I can think of one wrong answer that would be easy to make. 10 points to the first correct answer (in four hours, when YA lets me give the Best award).

What am I describing?

* It's exciting and new
* It's life's sweetest reward
* If you let it flow, it floats back to you
* It won't hurt any more
* It's an open smile on a friendly shore

2007-07-30 09:21:53 · 6 answers · asked by Ras 4

Q: What does a blonde say after she graduates from college?
A: "Hi, welcome to McDonalds."


Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A space invader.



Q How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's Tipex on the screen.



Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ



Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

2007-07-30 09:14:31 · 10 answers · asked by sami 3

2007-07-30 08:58:24 · 13 answers · asked by matthewjones_5 1

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

2007-07-30 08:57:03 · 15 answers · asked by josey 3

Jimbo and Jim Bob were sitting at the local hillbilly tavern drinking beer as they had done for the last 30 years. Jimbo said, "Jim Bob, ya know what? I'm so tired of sittin' here and doin' nothin'. I'm gonna go to the local college and get educated." Jim Bob says, "that's sounds like a good idea. let me know how it goes."
So Jimbo goes to the guidance counselor at the local community college and tells him he wants to get educated. The counsellor tells him that he is going to put him in the four basic classes: english, math, science and logic.
Jimbo says, "I know what english, math and science are, but what's logic?"
The counselor says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"
Jimbo:"I do have a weed eater"
The counselor says, "well, logic tells me that if you have a weed eater then you have a yard"
Jimbo: "I do have a yard. That's amazing"
The counselor: "well it goes farther than that. Since you have a yard, logic tells me that you have a house"

cont. below

2007-07-30 08:45:30 · 11 answers · asked by shrugger 4

Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

2007-07-30 08:43:58 · 3 answers · asked by kayboff 7

2 brothers are fast asleep when the mom stomps into thier room and screams "BREAKFAST' this wakes the 2 boys up with a start. the mom says 'get up and be in the kitchen for breakfast in 5 mins, i dont have all day'. the 2 boys are understandably irratated by being woken up like that.the oldest brother says 'we need to stand up for ourselves'. 'what do you mean?' says the youngest.'i mean i think its time we started cursing like the grownups do, then they will know we mean business'. the little brother starts to giggle with his hand over his mouth. 'ok he says, but you go first'. they head down to breakfast, and the mom says 'what do you want to eat' the eldest says, 'gimme a bowl of fcukin cornflakes'. the mom loses it and hits him across the face with her hand and says, 'dont you ever talk to me like that again ya hear' then she grabs the little lad, pulls him close and says 'and what do you want', the little guy says, 'well i certainly dont want a bowl of fcukin cornflakes'

2007-07-30 08:40:08 · 11 answers · asked by josey 3

rev. jesse jackson gets up one morning, went to the mirror, and noticed he was white from the neck to the top of his head. afraid that he was turning white, and might have to go get a job. he runs to his doctor. the doctor gave him a bottle of some brown stuff and told him to drink it. after drinking it, he told the doctor, that taste like bullshit, the doctor told him, it was, you was a quart low.

2007-07-30 08:33:56 · 6 answers · asked by mamawvicky 2

A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex".

When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone
just so. He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ."

And he sat back down.




What happened to the guy that went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!




A blonde is driving along the highway when Officer JohnnyBloobittyblat sees that as she's driving the car, she's also knitting!
He sounds his siren and flashes his lights but she just carries on driving, so he speeds up and drives up alongside her.
She rolls down the window and he yells 'pull over'

'No, it's a scarf' she yells back.



One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

2007-07-30 08:31:24 · 10 answers · asked by freakokalam 2

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

2007-07-30 08:11:56 · 24 answers · asked by KidCuervo 3

23 people were found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train station in Dublin. Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the first No More Nails bomb!

2007-07-30 08:04:44 · 34 answers · asked by ? 5

A Bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread -- on the very top shelf -- he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."
She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on.
Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer.
She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"
"No", croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

2007-07-30 07:52:37 · 17 answers · asked by "!" 5

run around stomping screamin let me play n pokin me holdin a dr. pepper n pullin my ear wen he is 15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!he is sooo stupid n he is hurting my ear tell him to leave me alone

2007-07-30 07:50:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

2007-07-30 07:33:29 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

2007-07-30 06:49:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
Squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went
back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed And whispered that
he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told
him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask
her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly,
there was a commotion at the back of the room.She went back To investigate only
to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told
you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I
could stick it out till Noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

2007-07-30 06:46:09 · 8 answers · asked by Baby Jack born 4/5/09 4

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

2007-07-30 06:31:29 · 11 answers · asked by ? 4

An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."

2007-07-30 06:11:09 · 22 answers · asked by lou 7

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!

2007-07-30 06:05:02 · 38 answers · asked by Ĕrotic Ńightmare 5

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts" she said.

So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any public hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked "Do you shave?"

"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in, she asked: "Did you see?" "Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

2007-07-30 05:56:59 · 12 answers · asked by Jim 7

Pretend that you are given a controll pad with a single button on it. Each time you press it, your bank account goes up by 1 million dollars. The catch is that each time you press the button, one randomly selected person on the earth (other than yourself) is killed. Would you do it? If so, how many times would you press it?

2007-07-30 05:32:58 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted
men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant
Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From
the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and
instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical
officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, "Vietnam".

2007-07-30 05:28:13 · 16 answers · asked by Truth hurts 3

and carry me home,im so tired after todays work and i dont think i can make it by walking

2007-07-30 04:42:52 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Abby

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs.......phone rings, but if I answer the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask her she always says "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the road. Anyway, I have never raised the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and this time I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my BMW R 1150 GS motor bike next to the garage and then hide behind it so i could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

2007-07-30 04:32:31 · 21 answers · asked by Jim 7

You've seen it. It's been posted here about a million times this month and it is the stupidest fu (see) (kay) ing riddle in the world. You remember..... see what you "saw" and then cut the table in two halves, then (sighs and yawns) two halves make a "hole" and you can leave the room. Are there any riddles more lame than that?

2007-07-30 04:18:31 · 5 answers · asked by helloeveryone 3

If sex is a pain in the a ss you're doing it backwards.

2007-07-30 03:56:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous