Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up.

"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."

"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"

2007-07-01 11:15:44 · 27 answers · asked by LiLi =] 3

Bob and his wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening, wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, Bob (not quite ready to sleep) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey, snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."
So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone, "Oh, my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate s*x for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor."
Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy b**ch."

2007-07-01 11:14:13 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the garden. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you £5 you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy the £5, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another £5.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me £5."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma!"

2007-07-01 11:07:14 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy Class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go Ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention

2007-07-01 11:05:58 · 9 answers · asked by josey 3

An irishman arrived at boston's logan air port and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.

'No, 'replied the Irishman.'It's worse,I have lost all me luggage.'

"That's terrible,how did that happen?"

"The cork fell out of me bottle."

2007-07-01 10:59:47 · 11 answers · asked by "!" 5

A guy was having babies left and right...one day he decide to go to the doctor and ask him for help. Doctor gave him condoms and said you will not have babies after you put them into use. Man came after 9 months with 2 twins and said "I used the condom, and i got 2 twins". Doctor asked the man "how did You use the condom". The man said "I ate it before sex" of course. The doctor todl "him no, You need to put it in your Penis." The poor guys says "Wow, now i know why my crap was comin out packed like salamy"

2007-07-01 10:59:16 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

than what would 5+5=?

first right answer gets 10 pts!!!?

2007-07-01 10:58:45 · 26 answers · asked by *Ninja w/ awesome pirate powers* 3

Tell me some of your bad dreams here is one of mine this happend to me at my old house and in the forest of my neighborhood i can't dream it at my new house but here it is. I was sleeping in my dream and i saw the woods in my drean so i had a feeling the door was unlock so i went to lock the door and my door in the inside you have to lock it with a key on both sides so i could not turn the key and all of a sudden the boogeyman opens the door and grabs me and takes me into the woods and i am screaming and i also have more dreams about the boogeyman at my old house here is anothere 1 ok so me and my mom were in the back yard at nite and the boogeyman came threw the gate and me and my mom were running to the backdoor and i was slow at running and i tripped and my mom was ahead of me and so the boogeyman toook me and then i woke up...

2007-07-01 10:57:06 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Aliens invaded the earth, and 10 of them were staying at your house and wouldnt leave???

???????????????????????????????????????????????

☺☻♥

2007-07-01 10:50:18 · 25 answers · asked by *Ninja w/ awesome pirate powers* 3

Evening all.....

Sometimes women can be overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs!"

2007-07-01 10:41:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

i m already reading a lot and goin out on the week ends and watching movies.. and i hate watching tv. haha nething else more interesting please shoot

2007-07-01 09:46:56 · 14 answers · asked by ambition 1

why do midgets laugh when they run?

because the grass tickles their nuts!!!!!! hahaha

2007-07-01 09:20:45 · 7 answers · asked by hey gorgeous 2

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

2007-07-01 09:09:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, and asked for a sip of whiskey. The Irishman looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an Italian with a hunched back. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, gis us a lager! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishmanfelt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't f*ckin touch me! I'm on disability!"

2007-07-01 09:01:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

So the spirited man goes to a tattooist and get his fiances name WENDY tattooed onto his erect penis,when limp it read WY. Chuffed with the result,they go to the Caribbean for their honeymoon.Whilst there they decided to visit a nudist beach, .As they strolled on the beach the man notices another man with the same WY letters on his limp member.Chuffed the man says to the other bloke "Bet you have a missus named WENDY "!! pointing at the bloke todger. The bloke shakes his head and says "Wha dis! na man!! It reads WELCOME TO JAMAICA HAVE A NICE DAY"

2007-07-01 08:56:25 · 14 answers · asked by DENNIS B 1

need rhymes and actions as my memory only spans back to yesterday and promised my daughter I would teach her some of these games.......IT WAS TOO MANY YEARS AGO!!!! HELP!!

2007-07-01 08:46:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chapter One



My sister Emily and I anticipated summer vacation for a long time. Now it was finally here. Now this was part of our regular routine, and everything was boring.

The afternoon sun was especially hot today, making me feel as if I were living in a dry desert rather than Baton Rouge. The soft hiss of sprinklers in the neighbor’s yard made me wish I could go swimming. The community pool was over two miles away and I was sure it would be packed. I didn’t feel like walking to the Dairy Queen and our fridge had been with out ice cream for days.

Not even the animals could escape the heat. Not one bird took flight that day. Instead they chose to rest in the shade of the neighbor’s oak trees which our yard had been deprived of.

The only disturbance in the air was the occasional breeze that drifted through the open window. Our air conditioner was broken, leaving the air in the house as humid and stuffy as outside.

2007-07-01 08:41:39 · 5 answers · asked by sygirl1221 2

2007-07-01 08:28:34 · 12 answers · asked by DENNIS B 1

a black man walks into a resturant.
a wite man comes up, taps him on the shoulder and says
"i'm sorry sir, but we don't serve colored folk around here"
the black man turns around,
stands up and says
"now you look here,
when i was born, i was black.
when i grew up, i was black.
when i get cold, i am black.
when i smoke, i am black.
when i go in the sun i am black.
when i am sick i am black
and when i die, i will be black.



but YOU sir,



when you were born, you were PINK.
when you grew up, you were WHITE
when you smoke, you are YELLOW.
when you are cold, you turn BLUE.
when you go out in the sun, you turn RED.
when you are sick, you turn GREEN.
and when you die,
you will be PURPLE.

you haveSOME nerve
calling ME colored"

2007-07-01 07:48:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

cryptic clue for a film - has anyone got an idea what it might be?

2007-07-01 04:38:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-01 04:23:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

sorry son he said we have got a 90 grand mortgage and your mum has just lost her job , we cant afford it.
the next morning patrick is heading out the door with his bags packed , his dad says "where you off to son?" patrick replies " i heard you last night telling mum the you were pulling out she said hold on im coming," well im not stopping here with a ninety grand mortgage and no f@ckin bike!

2007-07-01 03:19:25 · 11 answers · asked by cassjag 3

ok, i feel really bored and miserable today because my cricket game was canceled and now i have nothing to do! as i said in the title, if you can make me laugh, with a joke, ten points for you!

2007-07-01 03:10:21 · 33 answers · asked by Klick 5