Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

just say what it is.

2007-07-02 11:30:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side

Why did the turkey cross the road? The chicken was on vacation

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road? She was afraid someone would caesar

Why did the chicken cross the road? Celebrity answers:
Bob Dylan : How many roads must one chicken cross?

Colonel Sanders : I missed one?

Dilbert : I hate it when the title gives away the plot!

Howard Cosell : It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo- sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Jack Nicholson : 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

O.J. : It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Mae West : I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Pyrrho the Skeptic : What road?

Roseanne Barr : Urrrrrp. What chicken?

2007-07-02 11:25:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pregnant irish girl phones home.
"Mam oi tink ime waters hav broke"
"'Oh me holy jaysus,Where are ya ringin from?"
"'I'm ringin from me minge to me fockin ankles!!"

LOL i just recived this in a text made me laugh!! :OP
Hope it did you to!!

2007-07-02 11:25:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that," he asked.

She explained to him what sex was, to which he responded, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

"Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and presented herself.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then unleashed a merciless kick to Jane's crotch. After rolling around for some time in agony, eventually Jane managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for squirrels," said Tarzan.

2007-07-02 11:10:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: " this is the pig I have to shag when your not up for sex". His wife says "I think you find that's a sheep". he says " I think your findI was talking to the sheep?...

2007-07-02 11:05:36 · 11 answers · asked by Kelly B 4

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and they're always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and they're silent."

The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me. My farts are still silent, but they just stink TERRIBLY now."

"Good," says the doctor, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start work on your hearing."

2007-07-02 11:04:42 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed until after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack so the manager thought he would simply be honest and ask her advice.

He went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off - I'm late for my bus."

2007-07-02 10:29:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sb7eLgaddI4

2007-07-02 10:25:11 · 2 answers · asked by Love 3

Harry is sitting at home with his girlfriend baby-sitting for his little sister, once they put her to bed Harry and his girlfriend start getting more comfortable and just as Harry slides his hand up her skirt his mother walks in. “HARRY! I want a word with you in the kitchen!” So he follows his mother in and she says, “Harry, I never want to see you doing that again!” “Why?” Harry asks.
“Because up between them legs is a black hole and it’s got teeth in it, if you put your hand near it again it’ll bite your fingers off!”
Harry promises his mother that he won’t. The years go on and Harry finally marries his childhood sweet heart. On their honeymoon, Harry kisses his wife then rolls over and starts to go to sleep; his wife, rather annoyed cries, “Harry, I’ve been waiting years for this day and I want you to make love to me!” “Oh no, no, no,” Harry answers, “my mother told me that up between your legs you’ve got a black hole with teeth in it, and if I go near it, it will bite me!”
Laughing, his wife rolls over and picks up a torch, shining it between her legs she says, “Can you see any teeth up there?” Harry moved down the bed to look, “Well Harry, can you?!” his wife asks. “No, there’s no teeth, but I’m not surprised looking at the state of your gums!”

2007-07-02 10:21:21 · 11 answers · asked by josey 3

I usually have big juicy red tomatoes.

A neighbor was walking by one day and she remarked how nice and big and red they were and if I had any secret to growing them like that.

Well I told her that I usually stand in front of them and flash them every day, they get so embarrassed and flush, they just keep getting bigger and turning bright red.

So she went home to try it on her tomatoes.

She flashed them every day for a couple of weeks.

I walked by her house the other day and asked how her tomatoes were coming along.. she said still not very good...

But her cucumbers were really getting HUGE!

LOL

2007-07-02 10:17:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

hit a car up the bum. the fella got out and he was a dwaft! He said I'm not happy..... I said "well which one are you then?"

2007-07-02 10:16:53 · 20 answers · asked by Kelly B 4

fat wife says to her hubby i have nothing to wear to the fancy dress party tonight? he say's "pull your piss flaps over you're head and go as a sugar puff"!!!

2007-07-02 09:59:50 · 7 answers · asked by emarston@btinternet.com 2

This is an older song about unicorns not making it onto the ark in time to be saved from the flood. If you know the title and/or the artist, it would help us a lot.

2007-07-02 09:51:54 · 3 answers · asked by BooBoo 1

Little johnny was in church with his mom for sunday service when he felt a barf attack impending."Mom, I think im going to throw up!
"She told him,"I want you to run really as fast as you can.Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes.You can throw up behind the bush no one will see you.
"So little johnny hauled *** for the door.Less than a minute later,he returned to his seat next to his mom.He had a look of obvious relief on his face.Did you make it all the way to the bushes,Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far,mom.Just as i got to the front door,I found a box that had a sign on it:FOR THE SICK."

2007-07-02 09:44:59 · 27 answers · asked by "!" 5

The Engagement Ring.
The Marriage Ring.
AND ..... The SUFFERING.

funny right

2007-07-02 09:30:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

police in glasgow have just named the driver in the attempted terrorist attack on glasgo airport as Singe Majeep!

2007-07-02 09:22:16 · 11 answers · asked by emarston@btinternet.com 2

Because the Price was Right?

2007-07-02 09:11:52 · 13 answers · asked by njoy1boi 2

I just walked out of a local new's agents.
know, I was only there 5 minutes give or take,
Well there was this cop standing by my car writing a ticket.
"Come on buddy,give us a brake?"
He just ignored me,and continued writing his ticket,then stuck it to my windscreen.

So I called him a piggy git,he then shot me a look,
then started writing another.
and then i called him a ********,this time it was bald tyer's.This went on for 25minutes,the more i insulted the more ticket's he wrote,"I was getting bloody mad!"

In a right mood I just threw my hand's in the air and said"I give up".Just then i noticed a lamp post,.slowly backing away,I walk quickly down the road,remembering" I did'nt park there!"

2007-07-02 09:10:15 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

Why Did The Donut Go to The Dentist?

Because He Needed A Filling

2007-07-02 08:54:43 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where are you? miss your jokes

2007-07-02 08:40:03 · 12 answers · asked by Grand pa 7

A yahoo employee

2007-07-02 08:36:05 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-02 08:04:14 · 17 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

A family brings their frail old mother into a nursing home, as they go towards the lounge they hear the residents shouting out numbers, this is followed by general laughter.

The son asks "what are they doing?"

Matron replies "Well, they've numbered all their old jokes to save them keep repeating the whole thing."

The son asks "Can I try one?" (Matron allows him.)

The son goes and stands in the centre of the room and shouts out "Number 684"

To his surprise they all collapse into hysterical laughter, he says "that must've been a great joke which one was it?"

After they've all calmed down a bit one of the old gentlemen says, "That was great we've never heard that one before."

2007-07-02 07:27:47 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

the bombers at glasgow were named today, they were sinjed,majeep and maheed!!!

2007-07-02 06:51:52 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

You know those "Why _____ do it better" lists?

I've been searching.
And searching.
And searching even more!!


Yet I cannot find a list of why drummers do it better!
Do you know where I can find it?

2007-07-02 06:27:13 · 5 answers · asked by hey lauren, 2

If Mr Smith's peacock lays an egg in Mr Jones' yard, who owns the egg?

2007-07-02 06:17:07 · 13 answers · asked by RoXy 2

A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head find a stairway that leads to heaven, with 100 total steps. However, at each step, you were told a joke by an angel. If you laughed, you would fall off of the stairway into hell. The brunette decided to try first. She made it to stair number 17, but laughed and descended into hell. The red-head tried next. She made it to stiar number 38 before she laughed and was sent to hell. The blonde went up the stairway; all the way to the last joke, the last step, number 99 before she laughed. St. Peter, who was at the top of the stairway, looked down on the blonde and asked, "why did you laugh now? You were so close!" The blonde replied, "I just got the first joke."

2007-07-02 05:55:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous 2

Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What
happened?" "What's the hold up?"

Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.

They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise,
they are going to douse them with gasoline and set
them on fire. "

"We are going from car to car, taking
up a collection."

The driver asks, "on average how much is everyone giving, ?"

"About a gallon."

2007-07-02 05:22:11 · 39 answers · asked by Cherie 6

http://www.capveterans.com/john_kerry/id19.html

2007-07-02 05:12:16 · 5 answers · asked by Cherie 6

Ways To Annoy People In The Restroom

Ways to Annoy Your Public Restroom Stall-Mate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "may I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get in there."

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."

14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

2007-07-02 04:31:22 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous