Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

There was a magic mirror that when you told it the truth would grant you any wish. So a blonde brunette and a redhead went to see it.

The brunette said "I think I am the most beautiful woman in the world." and then pooof, she disapeared for telling a lie.

The redhead said " I think I'm the smartest person in the world," and pooof, she disapeared.

Then the blonde said "I think," and pooof, she disapeared.

2007-07-04 00:40:15 · 12 answers · asked by Dolly 5

Lie Clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"George's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

2007-07-04 00:39:56 · 12 answers · asked by The JRTs will rule the world 3

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped at a fast-food restaurant for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said: "Burrrrrrr-gerrrrrr Kiiiiiing."

2007-07-04 00:21:05 · 23 answers · asked by Dolly 5

A farmer has a lion, a goat and grass and he has to cross the river.And the boat has the weight to carry only the farmer and only one thing.If the farmer takes first lion the goat will eat grass.If the farmer takes first grass then lion will eat goat.If it will take goat first, he will take anything, goat will be finished or grass will be finished.If he takes lion after the goat tiger will eat goat and if he takes grass the goat will eat grass.So check your brains and tell the correct answer.

2007-07-03 23:55:28 · 9 answers · asked by parrots 1

A man was constipated. It was serious, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor said "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll put one in now and I'll give you another one for later."

The man goes home and starts feeling sick again. He asks his wife to put a suppository in. She puts one hand on his shoulder and sticks the suppository in.

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" he screamed. His wife asks him, "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

"No, I just realized that the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders!!!

2007-07-03 23:54:25 · 13 answers · asked by Dolly 5

The seven most important men in a womans life
1 the doctor-who tells her to take off her clothes
2 the dentist-who tells her to open wide
3 the milkman-who asks her do you want it in the front or round the back
4the hairdresser-who asks her do you want it teased or blown
5 the interior designer-who assure her that once its inside you'll love it
6 the banker- who insists to her that if you take it out too soon you'll lose interest
7 the primal hunter- who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her to keep quiet and lie still.
thankyou <)))><

2007-07-03 23:16:27 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i posted this joke as an answer to a sad ;[ persons question but i thought it is really cute so id share it with you all ..enjoy & a star if u like it ;]


A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,

"I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"

But the blonde keeps on screaming,

"I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!"


Finally, the manager comes over and says,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

because we didn't have that as a prize.


The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motorhome!"

And she hands the ticket to the

manager and HE reads...

"W I N A B A G E L"

2007-07-03 23:08:48 · 9 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

maybe there trying to tell us something

2007-07-03 23:04:27 · 11 answers · asked by old school 2

A Walsall couple drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.


Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.


The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

2007-07-03 22:50:55 · 13 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your car (whatever make or model, not fussy), hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you gethome from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Call 07898 342547 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
















Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the R.S.P.C.A. about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever

2007-07-03 22:46:04 · 9 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

2007-07-03 22:39:55 · 11 answers · asked by Dolly 5

witha plane about to crash, the captain asks the passengers. 'Does anyone on board believe in the power of prayer?'
a preacher immediately puts his hand up
'good' said the captain. 'we're one parachute short
---------------------------------------------------
What did the kamikaze pilot instructor say to his students?- watch closely, l'm only going to do this once
----------------------------------------------------------
did you hear about the bisexual donkey?
it had a hee in the morning and a haw at night
-------------------------------------------------
what has four legs and flies?
a dead horse
----------------------------------------------
did you hear about the irish wolfhound?
it got caught in a trap, it chewed off three legs, but was still caught
---------last one-------------------
what doyou call a man who cries while he masturbates?
a tearjerker

if you like em, apply a star please
the number of stars gained might encourage me to post some more

2007-07-03 22:33:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just thought I'd break the ice... :)

2007-07-03 22:13:30 · 8 answers · asked by Folky Veronica 2

It has tax, insurance a full set of hubcaps and the cd player is still in it.

2007-07-03 21:50:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great Chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the Apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like
that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!!

*STAR IF YOU LIKE:-)

2007-07-03 21:09:53 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

We have friends visiting from France tommarow and we are picking them up at the airport. We have a sign but i dont know what to put on it.

What are some funny things to put on the sign

2007-07-03 20:58:37 · 5 answers · asked by Brendan 4

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them
anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see
your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there
was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you
moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how
many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his
boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot
on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into
giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There
was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want
you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they
bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck,
looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said,
"Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on
me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the
house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then
says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have
stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know
I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get
it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local
cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic
questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a
sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I
looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm
delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."

2007-07-03 20:46:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nothig to say, just looking to see how generous The people on Yahoo!Answers are!
So let the staring begin!

2007-07-03 20:09:04 · 13 answers · asked by cowlynz 4

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."


8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about t ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

2007-07-03 20:00:38 · 11 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Pinocchio and Splinters

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"


^from Comedy Central joke of Day^

2007-07-03 19:59:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

hello ladies...

2007-07-03 19:49:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

2007-07-03 19:21:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

but i gotta tell it cause im bord

Warning: you may be offended. if you are, im sorry.

a young man comes across a girl at a beach who had no arms and no legs. she looks deppressed and the man asks what is wront. she sniffles and says i have never been given a hug from a man. so the young man hugs her. but still she is sad. so he asks what is wrong. she replies i have never been kissed by a man before. so he leans over and kisses her on the cheek. and still she is sad. so he says what is wrong. she replies i have never been screwed my a man before. so he picks her up and throws her in the ocean. and replies.

" You're screwed now!!!"

2007-07-03 19:20:03 · 11 answers · asked by hooah89d 4

Jane and Arlene


Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

2007-07-03 19:07:02 · 19 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

The taxman knocks on this house door and it is opened by a little boy.

The man asks the boy, "Where is your mother?"

The boy replies "She's in the backyard screwing the goat."

The man replies "Son, it's not nice to make up stories like that!"

The boy says, "Come in and I'll show you."

So the taxman follows the little boy to the back of the house and looks out the window into the backyard. There he sees a woman screwing a goat.

Disgusted. he turns to the boy and says, "That is gross! Doesn't it bother you?"

The liitle boy answers, "Naaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

2007-07-03 18:55:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a teacher was grading testsand had come across a test. attached to the test was a 100 dollar bill and a not that said, 1 dollar per point. the next day the teacher handed back the papers. the paper with the money was given back to the student with 56 dollars in change.

2007-07-03 18:48:51 · 13 answers · asked by hooah89d 4

A very handsome and confident man walked in to a bar,and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman,he gives he a quick glance, and looks at his watch...

The woman noticed and said " Is your date running late"

No! he replies, I've just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it"

The woman asks "Why is the watch so special"?

"It uses alpha waves and telepathically talks to me" says the man.

"We'll whats it telling you now? she asks

"Well its says your wearing no panties? the man replied.

The woman giggles and say" It must be broken as I am wearing panties?

The man tap's the face of the watch and explains " Damn thing must be an hour fast"......"

2007-07-03 18:45:10 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

CLASS TIME

The class was very noisy just now because there wasn't any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned quiet. That is because the fiercest teacher in the school had entered the class. Her face is as fierce as a lion which will bite anyone's head off if offended... And if you wanna know more.... follow the lesson.

Students: Good morning, teacher.

Teacher : (shouting) Why is it only good morning? What about afternoon and night?

Students: Good morning, afternoon and night teacher!

Teacher : That is unacceptable! It is too long. Just wish me best regards for my whole day! That is much better as it is easier and full of meaning. And that greeting can also be used for all times.

Students: Best regards teacher!

Teacher : That's better, sit down! Listen today I,m going to test you all on words that have the opposite meaning. When I say a sentence or word, all of you must answer quickly the opposite meaning to the words, understand?

Students: Understood teacher!

Teacher : I do not want any disturbance!

Students: (silence)

Teacher : Clever!

Students: Stupid!

Teacher : High!

Students: Low!

Teacher : Popular!

Students: Calafare!

Teacher : Wrong!

Students: Correct!

Teacher : Stupid!

Students: Clever!

Teacher : No!

Students: Yes!

Teacher : Oh God!

Students: Oh Slave!

Teacher : Listen to this!

Students: Listen to that!

Teacher : Quiet!

Students: Noisy!

Teacher : That's not a question, stupid!

Students: This is an answer, clever!

Teacher : I'm dead!

Students: We're alive!

Teacher : I'm lazy to teach!

Students: We are hardworking to learn!

Teacher : Enough! Enough!

Students: More! More!

Teacher : Stop! Stop!

Students: Start! Start!

Teacher : Why are you people so stupid?!

Students: Because I am someone clever!

Teacher : Lack manners!

Students: Taught enough!

Teacher : O.K. Lesson has ended!

Students: K.O. Lesson has not started!

Teacher : Enough, stupid!

Students: Not yet, clever!

Teacher : Stand up!

Students: Sit down!

Teacher : I said CALAFARE was wrong!

Students: We said POPULAR was correct!

Teacher : You people are dumb!

Students: We are gifted!

Teacher : All of you must stay back this afternoon!

Students: Released tonight!

Teacher : (Keep quiet, gather her books and went out)

2007-07-03 18:42:23 · 10 answers · asked by mighty spy 4

1. *Warm & Moist*
-----------------------------------------------------
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is she?
MAN: She's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper

2007-07-03 17:19:20 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

....to the first peerson who can guess what my favorite TV show is.
Good luck

2007-07-03 15:32:05 · 37 answers · asked by JC 3