Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

2007-07-04 05:41:40 · 17 answers · asked by Ste B 5

A 6-foot tall Magician had a water glass and was holding the glass above his head. He let it drop to the carpet without spilling a single drop of water.

How could he manage to drop the glass from a height of six feet and not spill a drop of water?

2007-07-04 04:45:41 · 25 answers · asked by misskitti7® 7

Doctor,"What seem to be the problem?"

Patient,"Doc,I've got the farts.I mean I fart all the time,"

The doctor nods,"Hmm."

Patient,"My farts do not stink and you can't hear them.It's just that I fart all the time.Look, we've been talking here for 10 minuts and i've farted five times.You did'nt hear them and did'nt smell them,do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He pick up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled"Great doc.This prescription,will it really clear up my farts?"

"No, sighs the Doctor,"The prescription is to clear your sinuses.Next week I want you back for a hearing test."

2007-07-04 04:38:05 · 16 answers · asked by "!" 5

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop"XD

2007-07-04 04:01:07 · 21 answers · asked by ThinkieWinkie 2

I went for a check up today and the doctor said "you will have to stop masterbating" i said "why is it causing health problems" he said "no i am trying to examine you."

thank you and good night lol

2007-07-04 03:55:57 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:"Excuthe me,
Mither,do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on one knee,So that he was on her level,And asks:"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fawwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees,leans forward and says in a quiet voice:"I don't fink my pyfon really giveth a thit."

2007-07-04 03:38:16 · 21 answers · asked by "!" 5

Boil the p!ss out of them

2007-07-04 03:25:59 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fix-a-flat and Miracle grow!

2007-07-04 03:12:34 · 5 answers · asked by BigBadWolf 6

if you can guess the double name you get the winning pts, i guess. good luck''

2007-07-04 02:57:55 · 24 answers · asked by bigturkeyme 6

You warn people on the main header that there are some out there who may not like what you're posting, but still they look and then have a go at you.
Does anyone else think this makes them look stupid for looking in the first place if you've been warned that it may offend them???

DON'T HAVE A GO AT ME BECAUSE YOU CAN'T CONTAIN YOUR OWN CURIOSITY.

2007-07-04 02:47:57 · 15 answers · asked by jennijan 4

A gay guy falls in love with a proctologist. He goes to the proctologist's office and says that he has an obstruction.

So the proctologist sticks his hand up the guy's *** but can't find anything. However, he notices that the man has an erection, so the proctologist cuts short the examination and orders the gay guy out of his office.

The next day, the gay guy calls the proctologist and claims he has another obstruction. The proctologist doesn't believe him but the guy claims he is in great pain, so the doctor relents.

When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's *** again but this time he finds something. "Good God!" the doctor exclaims, "No wonder you're in pain. There are two dozen roses shoved up your ***."

The gay guy turns around excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the Card!"

2007-07-04 02:42:19 · 18 answers · asked by Dolly 5

The little chap shouts " QUIET PLEASE!! "the crowd goes silent and the man says " ladies & gentlemen, today i will give any person here £ 50,000 cash if they can swim to the other end of this shark infested pool!! " The crowd emit a nervous ,excited murmer but nobody steps forward!
" OK EY DOKEY! how about £50000 cash, a mansion & any **** in the world you want!! "
SPLASH!! the crowd turn & watch in disbelief as a man starts swimming like a madman!
halfway up the pool a shark takes a chunk out of his leg & blood starts spreading all over the pool.
he keeps going and soldiers on, swimming through the pain he drags himself out of the pool bleeding like a good un!
the crowd surround him & the little man kneels down beside him " WOW! your a helluva guy! heres your £ 50,000 cash,your mansions paid for now what **** do you want sir?
the swimmer stares intentllyy at the man & says " the only **** i want is the **** that pushed me in".

2007-07-04 02:32:15 · 15 answers · asked by mrg69 2

A senior citizen's group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says "I've just been molested!"

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver starts to think he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away..."

2007-07-04 02:24:36 · 17 answers · asked by Dolly 5

An older couple decides to retire for the evening. The husband was almost asleep as his head hit his pillow, but his wife felt a little romantic and wanted to talk.

She says, "You know, when we were courting, you liked to hold my hand".

Wearily, he reaches across and holds her hand for a few seconds, and then tries to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she says, "After that, you used to kiss me softly".

Mildly irritated, he turns over and gives her a peck on the cheek and again settles down for the night.

Thirty seconds later she says, "Then after that, you used to bite me lightly on my neck".

Angrily, he throws back the bed covers and gets out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asks.

"To get my teeth!"

2007-07-04 02:23:26 · 11 answers · asked by Dolly 5

First prosecution under the UK cigarette ban.





Police have announced the arrest of a man found smoking at Glasgow Airport.



Sorry!!

2007-07-04 02:14:52 · 17 answers · asked by jennijan 4

I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker, bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord, & didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
yelling something like “Sunny beach! Sunny beach! Go!” and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.”Same to you too sunny beaches!”
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise
the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love ya all,
Grandma

2007-07-04 01:58:49 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lady goes to buy a parrot from a pet store and is offered one very cheap because it has spent its life in the local brothel and has learnt some bad words.

She takes it home and puts the cage in the lounge.
Parrot looks around and says "new house, new madam, OK"

Teenage daughters come home and parrot says "new girls, OK"

Husband comes home and parrot says "Hi Keith"

2007-07-04 01:55:10 · 6 answers · asked by oldhombre 6

When a concerned wife called him at home for the third time, the doctor lost his patience. "There isn't a damn thing wrong with your husband," he said. "I've checked him out thoroughly and he only thinks he's sick."

A week later the woman ran into the physician on the street. "How's your husband?" he asked.

"Terrible," the woman replied. "Now he thinks he's dead."


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2007-07-04 01:50:30 · 10 answers · asked by jenny 2

Chicken/Egg debate Solved:?
The answer is so simple, It's been starring me in the face the whole time!
What do you eat in the morning first, Fryed Chicken or Fryed Eggs?
I, as well as millions of others do, Eat the eggs first,
So the eggs came before the chicken!
I'll thank you in advanced for the Nobel Peace Prize!

2007-07-04 01:42:55 · 36 answers · asked by cowlynz 4

anyone else would have named it the teethbrush.

keep smilin in the land of baked bean teeth

happy independence day everyone .......our teeth are safe now!!!

2007-07-04 01:39:32 · 7 answers · asked by wacko jacko lied 3

Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."

2007-07-04 01:37:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blonds were going to disneyworld. they finaly came to a sign that said "Disey World, left." so the blondes turned around and went back home.....



get it?

2007-07-04 01:33:16 · 19 answers · asked by jay_ 3

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They
had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
a rath

2007-07-04 01:23:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Asian lady was trying to exchange yen for dollars at the bank and she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations". The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

2007-07-04 01:21:00 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please star if you laugh

These are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:

1. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
2. "A room temperature IQ."
3. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."
4. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."
5. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
6. "Bright as Alaska in December."
7. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."
8. "He's so dense, light bends around him."
9. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
10. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

2007-07-04 01:18:59 · 3 answers · asked by Rod 3

Please star if you laugh

(Part 2 of 2)
These are taken from real resumes/CVs and
Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21,2003, issue of "Fortune" Magazine:

13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chainstore."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

2007-07-04 01:13:50 · 3 answers · asked by Rod 3

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says,

"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."

Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.

"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

2007-07-04 01:12:49 · 10 answers · asked by lou 7

Please star if you laugh

These are taken from real resumes/CVs and
Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21,2003, issue of "Fortune"
Magazine:

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet
pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office email

2007-07-04 01:11:33 · 5 answers · asked by Rod 3

A man walks into a doctor's office and the doctor informs him he has bad news and worse news.......
The doctor then tells the man that he only has 24 hours left to live
The man shocked at this news asks "how could it possibly be worse then that?"
The doc replies "I found out yesterday and forgot to call you when I found out"

2007-07-04 00:54:28 · 5 answers · asked by Pale Rider 4

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest swimmer. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

2007-07-04 00:41:48 · 16 answers · asked by Dolly 5