Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

2007-07-04 10:53:01 · 14 answers · asked by Michael F 5

My dad told this joke at the dinner table, I dont know why. But yeah. I liked it even though it doessnt really fit to the dinner table. It cracks me up :P

A woman goes to a bar and looks around. There is a good looking man at the bar and she starts flirting with him. She finds out he's a biologist, but she says to herself it ccould still be alright. So after some more drinks, and they go to his hotel room, and you can guess what happens there. The next day, the woman is on the phone with her friend, who is asking her all about the previous night.
"So, what happened?"
"Well, IT happened."
"OMG! But... do biologists even have *****?"
"Not really.... they have 'Penises'"
"Huh? What's that?"
"Something like a dick, just a lot smaller!"

2007-07-04 10:46:40 · 7 answers · asked by .:Julia:. 4

Ali G's sister is pregnant and has a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is nolonger pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Miss, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."

2007-07-04 10:39:55 · 16 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," replied Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

2007-07-04 10:14:10 · 28 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.







Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new

2007-07-04 10:12:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

That was the question! Work that one out :D

2007-07-04 10:01:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

listen to this funny joke.
after every sentence say im a man (even if u r not) where a - is marked thats where u have to say im a man


u wake up in the morning -
u have a shower -
u get ready -
u go to work -
u get to work -
u come back from work -
u go to the night club -
u meet a girl -
u get with her -
and then she tells u-...

2007-07-04 10:00:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

how much would you pay?
how much would you pay to be the executioner?

2007-07-04 09:53:43 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

hope so

2007-07-04 09:47:00 · 27 answers · asked by i have no identity 3

singe ma jeep is complaining that all he gets to eat in hospital is haggis .neeps and tatties......what does he expect in the burns unit

2007-07-04 09:44:30 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The old man approached the local whorehouse. The Madam answered the door, looked him up and down and said "Pops I think you've had it", he said "Oh, how much do I owe you?"

Another old man approached the whorehouse, a cheapskate, and asked what he could get for $10, it's his birthday. The Madam points to Sadie over in the corner, and says "Hey Sadie wanna do this one, says it's his birthday!" Sadie hasn't had much business so she says OK. They get up to the room and she gets under the covers and he's trying and trying and finally gets the job done. Afterwards he says "Wow, I didn't know you were a virgin, I'd have paid you double!" Sadie replies, If I knew you had more money I'd have taken off my pantyhose first".

2007-07-04 09:38:56 · 6 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

GEORGE BUSH : HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY : : DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST : : EVILS AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN : : BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION : : A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE : : HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES : : CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY : : IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW : : WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS : : ALAS NO MORE ZS

A DECIMAL POINT : : I M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES : : THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO : : TWELVE PLUS ONE

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA : : TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

2007-07-04 09:35:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

a dog licking himself.

He exclaimed, "I wish I could do that."

I said, "you better pet him first."

2007-07-04 09:23:36 · 6 answers · asked by maimatt7 3

1. You can only carry so much C-4 in your touque.

2. When the explosion goes off you might spill your beer.

3. Saturday's no good for me, there's Hockey Night In Canada.

4. Not enough time to stop for a double-double at Tim's on the way.

5. If you blow up Parliament it might result in a National Holiday.

Any more you can add....

2007-07-04 09:19:24 · 4 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

A little boy sees his dad in the shower and asked what his testicles are.'son those are the apples of the tree of life!'he said. impressed , the boy repeats it to his ma , who add ' well did he say about the dead branch the're hanging on?'.

what do soya beans an a vibrator have in common?
.
they are both a substitute of meat.

blonde
a blonde gets out her damaged car without a scratch on her a cop asks it why its trashed. she says 'well officer i was driving and a tree was in my way falling so i swirved to the right then another tree so i did left then right....
' well miss theres no tree here for miles just dat was yur air freshna swiftin left to right , DUH'

2007-07-04 09:13:25 · 19 answers · asked by victim-snatcher 2

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?

2007-07-04 09:04:14 · 12 answers · asked by I <3 Izzy. 4

17-This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

18-I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising You anything.'

19-I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

20-This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

21-I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

22-I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

2007-07-04 08:24:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

9-I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood'I said, 'Where is he then?'

10-My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

11-I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

12-I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

13-I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

14-I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

15-The recruitment consultanT asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

16-I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

2007-07-04 08:22:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 8-year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at Him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."

2007-07-04 08:14:38 · 32 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

An older white haired man walked in to a jewelry store late one Saturday afternoon with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said. The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand, I want something very unique," he said. At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from the safe. "Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked the jeweler. "I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can phone the bank on Monday and I'll pick up the ring on Monday evening." Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the man. "You old fart, you lied ... there's no money in that account." "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I just had?"

2007-07-04 08:14:38 · 10 answers · asked by Gern 1

A Norweigan & a Swedish parachuters have a training day in their camp & they prepare themselves & get ready & get on the aircraft. They fly up & when they reach the required altitude, they jump down. After a few seconds, when they're meant to open their parachutes, the Norweig realizes that his parachute won't open! wide-eyed , he merrily turns to his friend & says: "good thing it's only training !"...

2007-07-04 08:09:27 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dermatologist: I have some good news for you my dear. - After looking through your test results I'm happy to report to you will no longer be plagued by pimples erupting on your face.

Girl: Wow! That's great! Why?

Dermatologist: There's no more space.

2007-07-04 08:08:39 · 38 answers · asked by Ask_Elvis 5

A woman sees an old friend of hers pulling out of the luxury car dealership as she's pulling in. "Hi Susan, long time no see, that's a beautiful car!" Susan replied, "Oh Hi, Diane, I bought this Porshe when I made my first million, say that's a gorgeous Jaguar you've got there for yourself huh?" "Oh no, I got this car for my husband!"

"WOW Great trade!"

2007-07-04 07:51:11 · 6 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

A couple of young dudes are looking for someone to race one Saturday night without any luck. Just then an old man on a motor scooter pulls up and eyes their car. "Wanna drag?" jokes the old man. The young guys take him seriously and laugh "You're on old man!" The light turns green and they slowly start to pull ahead of the old man, laughing as they leave him in the dust. Then all of a sudden the old man starts to catch up. The young driver puts the pedal to the floor but the old man keeps gaining. "I don't f-ing believe it man!" says the driver, "Look at that old man go!" Suddenly the old man passes the young dudes car, then crashes into a light post and the old man hist the ground. They stop and say "Are you all right old man - that was damn impressive, You the Man Dawg!" The old man said in a whisper "Could you do one thing for me? "What's that old man?" "Unhook my damn suspenders from your rear view mirror!"

2007-07-04 07:06:00 · 7 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

Has anyone ever tryed it its when Dress up like a janitor to gain access to a seedy motel room. Hide out in the bathroom and wait for some pathetic John to call in the local hooker. After he pays for them, but before they start, run out of the bathroom and hit the John with a lead pipe while yelling, "sic semper tyrannis!" **** the whore, steal the John's wallet and car and make a dashing escape

2007-07-04 07:04:55 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My
darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) forher request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...





"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

2007-07-04 06:37:00 · 18 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

A guy went into a bar and told the bartender he can't drink there anymore. "Why not Joe, you're my best customer?" Joe replied, "It's my wife, she's sick and tired of me getting drunk every other night, I do the same thing , I drink until I can't drink anymore then I puke all over myself, come home and my wife gets mad cause she has to clean me up and then I pass out, If I do it one more time - it's divorce court for me" The bartender says, "Joe, here's what to do, before you start drinking, put a $50 bill in your shirt pocket, then if you get drunk and puke all over yourself, you tell your wife you were minding your own business, some guy got sick and puked on you then he apologized and give you $50 to get your suit dry-cleaned!" "OK said Joe, I'll do that!" Sure enough Joe drinks his fill then pukes all over himself as usual and goes home. As soon as he hits the door his wife yells at him. "That's the last damn time Joe, what did I tell you? We're through!" "No wait, says Joe

2007-07-04 06:28:40 · 15 answers · asked by Limestoner62 6

umm yea i have to do a short story for a scool asighmnet and i just wrote sumthin off the top of my head real quick im only 15 soooo i suck at writing but can u tell me if its alrite?or good or bad or great lol thanx alot!
Bully’s Of Briar Cliff Park.

My names David but you can call me Too Quick. Well that’s what my friends call me.
Man do I have a story to tell you! Every Saturday my friends and I play football at the
Towns park field at 1:30pm. Let me tell you about the gang, first there’s Derek He’s
The strongest guy we know that’s why we call him too strong. He’s 6’2 and can bench
380 POUNDS! Then there’s Kyle We Call Him Hit stick cause if you come his way…then
You will get hit and hit hard. And there’s me they call me too quick cause I have the fastest two feet in the whole town and I can cut juke and accelerate faster than anybodyYou know. There are three more guys but I need to quit yapping and get to the story. Well Like every Saturday we were going to the field it was a great day to play football. It was
Warm outside nice breeze and the grass was dry and crisp. Well of course things can’t always be
Perfect something’s always gotta ruin your day. As we start to pick teams We See six
Bulky guy’s aprochaing.The parks bullies they had on baggy pants and big jerseys and the looked MEEAAN! The guy in the front said “Hey lil punks, can we play?” Now we would of
Said no because they looked like trouble but we decided to give them a chance. So it
Was six against there six they were bigger MUCH bigger! But we had more skill.
Well we got are teams lined up and it all started. Brax are Quarter back shouted
“Red 58 said Red 58 hut!” We jumped off the line as fast as we could the guy covering
I gave me a little push and shove but he was no match for my speed, as I pushed off him and cut up the field I was wide open. Sure enough as I looked up the ball came
Spiraling my way, I reached out as far as I could and lunged for the ball! TOUCHDOWN! We were up 1-0 all my friends were yelling and patting me on the
Back. Then it was there turn with the ball. They were all staggered across the field and
Pushing each other. Then there teammate yelled “HUT!” We shut them down on defense
but I was a lil worried about offense. They Handed the ball off to there biggest guy and
He looked MEAN! Then Too Strong said “I got this.” Both guys running full speed straight forward at each other. Then WHAM! Derek Laid him out the ball popped out
And Kyle picked it up he ran across the field as one of the guys tried to tackle him I dived
At his feet for a block! 30 yards up the field Touchdown! Back to back we scored! Then there player got op and said “Man im done! Let’s get out of here. I don’t need to waist my
Time with these punks!” As they Walked off we all applauded each other for are accomplishments. So if you learn anything from my story it’s this…Never judge someone
By there physical appearance. Cause the inside always means more and that’s what helped us win the game! Like they say ha-ha “Don’t judge a book by its cover!"

2007-07-04 06:15:44 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. 8:45am is too early for us to be up.

2. We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights.

3. Pretty people on the plane distract us.

4. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.

5. with food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there.


6. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our weapons down.

7. We would ALL want to fly the plane.


8. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.

9. We can't keep a secret, we would have told everyone a week before doing it.


AND MY FAVORITE...

10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.


ARE YOU A LATINO? HOW CAN YOU TELL FOR SURE?

1) If you have ever been hit by a "Chancleta"

2) If you grew up scared by something called "El Cuco" or "La Llorona".


3) If others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking.

4) If you light a candle to the Virgin Mary on the night before your big test.

5) If you use your chin to point something out.

6) If you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys."

7) If your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you for dinner, even if it's a one bedroom apartment.


8) If you can dance merengue, cumbia or salsa without music.

9) If you use "manteca" instead of olive oil and can't figure out why your nalgas are getting bigger.

10) If you are in a five passenger car with seven people in it and a person is shouting "subanse, todavia caben mas!"

11) If whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on some "Vic's vapor rub" all over your pecho and inside your nostrils.

12) Your mom packs your "lonche" every day even though you've just turned thirty-two.

13) If you call the North Americans "gringos," including Canadians, and call all Asian people "chinos" or "chinitos" and you call the corner store "the chinito's store."
Send this to all your Latino friends!!!! You can also send this to your non-Latino friends, but if you have to explain more than three items (words),

what's the point???????


Excuse me while I go eat some chicharrones........ >>>

2007-07-04 06:04:59 · 15 answers · asked by Me 2

Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

:)

2007-07-04 05:58:45 · 31 answers · asked by Ask_Elvis 5