Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

2007-07-05 21:44:25 · 7 answers · asked by amanda_bbgd182 3

WALMART HAS EVERY THING

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.


It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

2007-07-05 21:34:11 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

He asks the barman for a pint of lager and asks the ostrich and cat if they want one. Yes says the ostrich, yes says the cat but i am not paying. The man gives the barman fifty pounds and tells him to keep the change. He finishes his pint and goes through the same routine again.Yes say the ostrich, yes says the cat but i am not paying. He gives the barman fifty pounds and tells him to keep the change.Baffled, the barman asks him what is going on. Well says the man i was walking in the woods one day when i found a genie lamp.I rubbed it and the genie said i could have three wishes so i asked him for good health, all the money i would ever need, and along legged bird with a tight p-ssy

2007-07-05 21:29:22 · 13 answers · asked by john j 1

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

The man decided to test the robot. He walked out of the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, beer, and so on.

Amazed, the man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "50."

The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"

2007-07-05 21:28:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.
..............................................................................

2007-07-05 21:14:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

and while you're at it... how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood

2007-07-05 20:48:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.


But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

2007-07-05 20:37:12 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Guy comes home from work, and feeling quite horny decides to seduce his wife. He sidles up to her and gently kisses her neck, but fails to get a response. He starts to nibble on her ear - again failing in his bid to get a positive response.

In a desperate bid to win the affections of his wife, he whispers in her darling 'Darling, I've got a surprise for you. I've bought some olympic condoms - and tonight - just for you - I'm going for the gold'.

His wife throws him a look of disgust and answers 'Why don't you go for the silver and come second for a change!!!!!'

2007-07-05 20:03:59 · 18 answers · asked by Squirrel 3

2007-07-05 19:50:26 · 25 answers · asked by trish 5

Warning: has sexual content.

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

2007-07-05 19:42:10 · 3 answers · asked by hooah89d 4

Is it still considered a bank robbery?

2007-07-05 19:28:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Wingman's Handbook

The wingman is arguably the noblest creature to ever step into a barroom. Who else, with cavalier disregard for his personal reputation, is so willing to throw himself upon the cruel mercies of a brazen man-hater, just so his buddy can hook up with a sorority girl with big gazongas? Who else, with just a hint of a grimace, will selflessly dirty dance with a creature so hideous that no amount of hard liquor will wash the stain from his memory? Who else, especially if he’s loaded to the gills, will stand in the deepest depths of hell just so a pal can climb up his back into hook-up heaven? Whose sterling motto is, “You are going to so owe me, dude.”?

None else but the wingman, the King Leonidas of the saloon.

What a Wingman Does:

And just as that brave (some say suicidally insane) Spartan king and his hundred warriors laid down their lives against a hundred thousand Persians, so will the wingman, with the right amount of prodding, recklessly lunge into battle against foes twice his size and half his intellect, fully knowing there is no way in hell that the night will end well.

It usually goes down like this:

A male (the flight leader) spots an attractive female (the bombing target) across the bar. But alas, she is not alone. She is paired with a tragically less attractive friend (the cock blocker). And they seem quite close, so close that the BT is unlikely to abandon her CB for a guy she just met. The FL knows he’ll never be able to successfully complete his bombing run without proper air cover, and this is where the wingman comes into play. The wingman will engage the CB and pin her down long enough for the FL to finish his run, and hopefully bomb his target back to his bedroom. Of course, there’s much more to the task than distracting the CB while the FL makes his move. Wingman skills have been honed and passed down since someone decided women should be allowed into bars. Strategies have evolved and tactics have been polished to the point that the wingman has become a super-specialized warrior in the eternal Battle of the Sexes. And like all specialists, they’ve developed their own lingo.

Wingman Jargon

Air superiority: When the flight team has established a comfortable conversation with the BT and CB.

BT bombing target: The hot chick.

Banzai shot: Much as kamikaze pilots were given a ceremonial shot of sake before being sealed in their cockpits, the flight leader should buy his wingman a shot prior to a mission.

Betty: An alliteration of Bombing Target.

Bogie: A friend of the BT that has not yet been identified as a CB.

CB (cock blocker): The hot girl’s troublesome friend and sworn enemy of the wingman. Also called a bandit.

Dogfight: Dancing with a CB.

FL (flight leader): also called the bombardier.

Flak: Snide remarks made by a CB in an attempt to drive the flight team from the skies.

Flying blind: When the wingman indulges in so much in-flight refuelling he jeopardizes the mission.

Getting pinged: Initial eye contact with a BT.

In-flight refuelling: When a wingman orders a flurry of shots to help him complete his mission.

Kamikaze mission: When the wingman is likely to end up in the clutches of the CB.

Landing gear: A wingman’s self-respect; if a FL asks his wingman to “leave his landing gear behind,” he’s preparing the wingman for a flak storm or kamikaze mission.

POW: Prisoner of a Warthog; to go home with a CB, the supreme sacrifice of a wingman.

Pig Alley: A play off of the Korean War’s infamous MIG Alley, this describes a BT swarming with CBs.

Shite leader: A would-be flight leader without the skills to complete the mission.

Shoot and scoot: An attempt to engage with more than one CB at a time.

Tail gunning: When the wingman disgracefully abandons his air cover duties and attempts his own bombing run on the BT.

Yank and bank: An attempt by the FL to maneuver the BT away from the wingman and CB for some one-on-one time.

2007-07-05 19:23:12 · 3 answers · asked by rdrnnr1972 5

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'...slip in to the old bag.

2007-07-05 18:50:39 · 7 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy "playing wedding." The
Wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent,
Anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an
Attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

2007-07-05 18:43:50 · 6 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

ITALIAN STYLE PIG STORY


The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig
and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm
gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!



So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "
Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let
the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow
your house down." And he did !!!



So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's
house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf jus t blew our
houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm
gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick
pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.



A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs
come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living hell out of
him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired,
killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his
sorry butt into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.



The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?"
they asked.

"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs

2007-07-05 18:40:11 · 2 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

(a)You join the peace corp and an interview question asks:you're in the jungle and get a snake bite what do you do?(b) You're in a foreign land and you visit a home of the natives,they invite you in for dinner they are eating sweet and sour hog warts with a side of fried frog legs what do you do.

2007-07-05 18:11:24 · 21 answers · asked by samurai 2

A woman tell her daughter not to open the cellar door. One day well the woman is gone the daughter open the door what does she see?

2007-07-05 17:12:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One liner Jokes

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."

******

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

******

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

******

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

******

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
" Please wait someone else is using it."

******

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

******

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

******

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .

******

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

******

2007-07-05 17:01:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

its 4.44am here and im off to bed but would like to leave you with this one before it gets removed lol.


two old ladies in a cafe sharing a pot of tea, one says to the other 'did you come on the bus'

the other one replies 'yes but i made it look like an asthma attack'

good night everyone, sleep well. x

2007-07-05 16:46:58 · 16 answers · asked by berni 3

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''

2007-07-05 12:42:50 · 16 answers · asked by Jimmy L 2

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replies.


NO offence to blondes

2007-07-05 12:35:58 · 21 answers · asked by Jimmy L 2

An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a s*x therapist for advice.
The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion; "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both.
Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel.
That will help your wife fanaticise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love.
But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed.

2007-07-05 11:58:07 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

One in a classroom..... a student was 1 hour late. he said he was on old mary hill. second student was 5 hours late. he said he was on old mary hill. another student was 5 and a half hours late.he said he was on old mary hill. same excuse. then a new girl comes in 6 hours late and says her name is Mary Hill

2007-07-05 11:20:52 · 20 answers · asked by Jimmy L 2

ok so there was this boy who went to his priest for confession.
the boy says"father for i have sinned" and the priest says "what have you done" the boy replies"i have gotten into the habbit of swearing" the priest says"well you know just between me and you those little 4 letter words arent so bad"
the bpy starts counting on his fingers...

[star if you giggle]

2007-07-05 11:20:04 · 13 answers · asked by Audrey♥ 2

2007-07-05 11:10:55 · 25 answers · asked by Frank W 2

This is not a hard laughing joke.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father."

"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree."

"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

2007-07-05 10:51:14 · 8 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

f A woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she?

If Janets Mother is Marys daughter, what realtion is Janet to Mary?

There was a girl in our town,
Silk an' satin was her gown,
Silk an' satin, gold an' velvet;
Guess her name, three times I've telled it.

What relation us a child to its own father, whenits not its own fathers son?

What didn't Adam and Eve have that everyone else in the world has had?

2007-07-05 10:40:58 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was out driving useing the map,
I was looking for the M6 motor way,I could'nt find it
so I went up the M3 twice.

2007-07-05 10:26:22 · 31 answers · asked by "!" 5

Okay here is the deal. I am going to start you guys and gals off with a beginning of a story. Your job is to add 2 words. Make sure that it makes since and make sure the to words you add are added on to the person who answered right before you. Okay here is the story.

Once upon a time there was a...

2007-07-05 10:22:36 · 20 answers · asked by Mr. Jake 1

there once was a genie with a 6 foot wenie and he showed it to the lady next door she thought it was a snake so she hit it with a rake and now its only 2 foot 4

2007-07-05 10:14:51 · 4 answers · asked by Chris 3