Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for all times sakes.

He hires a prostitute and takes her up to his room. He's going at it as best as he can for a bloke of his age.

He asks,"How am I doing?"

The prostitiute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing three knots."

Three Knots?" he replies,"what's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting you're money back!"

2007-07-05 10:07:07 · 15 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

i thought it would be helpful to learn mandarin!
say the chinese words out loud for proper pronounciation.......

1-thats not right=sum ting wrong
2-are you harbouring a fugitive=hu yu hai ding
3-see me asap=kum hia now
4-small horse=tai ni po ni
5-did you go to the beach=wai yu so tan
6-i thought you were dieting=wai yu mun ching
7-tow away zone=no pah king
8-hiding=lei ying lo
9-i ran into coffee table=bang mai fa kin ni

2007-07-05 09:36:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices the little girl from next door in a little red wagon,
little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's t*sticles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

2007-07-05 09:31:57 · 63 answers · asked by ? 5

Why must you give your two cents worth?

2007-07-05 09:31:46 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

heyyy guys!! Im going to a sleepover soon and im looking for really funny understandible clean jokes!!! any!! plzzzzzzzzzz thanksss

2007-07-05 08:02:57 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

a rooster & a cat going over a bridge.
cats slipps & falls in the river.
& the rooster can't stop laughing.
what's the moral?
where ever there's a wet p.u.s.s.y,there's a happy c.o.c.k.

2007-07-05 07:41:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

2007-07-05 07:25:04 · 28 answers · asked by John 4

sc with grooves on it and a hole in the middle
Do you think this could be some sort of record

2007-07-05 07:08:27 · 29 answers · asked by Jax Back 3

Two baseball fanatics were throwing the ball around and wondering if there would be baseball in heaven.
The first guy is like if something should happen to one of them, that person would come back and inform the other in a dream with an answer to that question.
A few days later the first guy is killed in an accident. The second guy missing his friend was wandering if his buddy would make good on his promise.
That night the first guy visits the second guy's dream and tells him the good news, there is indeed baseball in heaven.
The bad news is that the second guy is scheduled to pitch in a week.

2007-07-05 06:37:24 · 4 answers · asked by fox_71498 3

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport

2007-07-05 05:47:36 · 25 answers · asked by raknakel 2

2007-07-05 05:21:57 · 4 answers · asked by Gregory W 1

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

** Click **

2007-07-05 03:51:35 · 19 answers · asked by Mr N 5

2007-07-05 03:47:52 · 5 answers · asked by danman34711 1

i was on my way home when i found some money on the floor, as i bent down to get it.............

2007-07-05 03:23:17 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde and Waitress

Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress' nametag?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?''

2007-07-05 03:06:26 · 8 answers · asked by Harmony t 2

a young bloke goes to a club and meets an older woman. shes gorgeous despite being old eough to be his mum
after a few drinks he plucks up the courage to snog her
later, she snakes her arm around his shoulders "so have you ever had a mother and daughter threesome?"
er no i havent the young man splutters excitedly
they drink a bit more then the woman purrs
well tonights your lucky night come back to my place
hardly able to contain himself the lad goes home with her
she flicks on the hall light and calls upstairs
"MUM ARE YOU STILL AWAKE??"

2007-07-05 02:31:36 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it. The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.

The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt. The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

2007-07-05 01:50:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy
and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought
to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for this
carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be
late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and
the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

2007-07-05 01:22:59 · 30 answers · asked by Snake 4

Try and guess what it is???

1. What do rich people want.
2. Poor people have it.
3. If you eat it you will die.

2007-07-05 01:13:14 · 9 answers · asked by jamie t 1

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

2007-07-05 01:12:14 · 10 answers · asked by Snake 4

A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. (i.e. elevator doors)

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?". The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an elderly old lady shuffled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady stepped between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Son, go get your mother

2007-07-05 01:11:09 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: Great Senior Moment!

A very self-important college freshman was attending a recent football game.
He took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and...." pausing to take another drink of beer.
The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young...so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little sh**head, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was deafening.

Don't you just love senior citizens!!!

2007-07-05 01:10:09 · 10 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be
THE Man Of Your House."

He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is LAW.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner,
you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of s*x
that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will
massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress
me and comb my hair?"

the wife replied, "The f***ing funeral director would be my first
guess."

2007-07-04 23:49:33 · 27 answers · asked by cute sexy little feet 3

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

2007-07-04 23:42:28 · 11 answers · asked by cute sexy little feet 3

First Grade Logic
A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses ........................... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the . bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before . Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of . termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but .... how ?
6. Don't bite the hand that .................... looks dirty.
7. No news is........................................ impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ......... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ............................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ............ pigs.
13. An idle mind is............................... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's . pollution.
15. Happy the bride who........................ gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is .......... not much.
17. Two's company, three's ........... the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ............. you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ..... you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............ Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not . spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed . get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you . see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ........... get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one:
25. Better late than.................................... pregnant

2007-07-04 23:04:35 · 13 answers · asked by cute sexy little feet 3

Sister Suzie sitting in a Shoe-Shine Shop Plucking A Duck...

I'm not a Pheasant Plucker, I'm a Pheasant Pluckers Mate. I only Pluck Pheasants when the Pheasant Pluckers late... lol

Tell me what you think...

2007-07-04 23:00:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients & felt really guilty.No matter how much he tried the sense of betrayal was overwhelming but every once in a while a voice whispered your single just let it be,but invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering "Dave your a f******* vet !!

2007-07-04 22:58:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

>A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds
>his way
>to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
>awhile, he
>yells to the waiter, "Hey, youwanna hear a blonde joke?"
>
>The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,
>husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,
> sir, I
>think it is only fair -- giventhat you are blind -- that you should
>know
>five things:
>
>1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
>2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb Blonde
>woman
>with a black belt in karate.
>4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
>weightlifter.
>5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
>
>
>Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
>joke?"
>The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
>"No... Not
>if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2007-07-04 22:56:16 · 13 answers · asked by cute sexy little feet 3

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me
that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just
packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to
spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene
when
making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the
washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash
in that area to make
sure I was at least presentable. I threw the
washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car
and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra
effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and
went home. The rest of the day was normal . Some shopping, cleaning,
cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from
the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one
from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my
glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

never going back to that doctor ever.

2007-07-04 22:40:32 · 19 answers · asked by cute sexy little feet 3

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for 'Economy' and that she will have to go and sit in the back.


The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'


The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.


The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.


The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'


Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.


The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'


He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.


The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.


The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

2007-07-04 22:23:49 · 14 answers · asked by cute sexy little feet 3