Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."

2007-07-04 22:09:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

if not my little nephew told it me.

'Have you ever had a ride in a Streeeeeeeeeeeeeech Limo'?

2007-07-04 21:51:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you get when you put 25 people from verginia in one room?

answer: a person with a whole set of teeth.

2007-07-04 21:40:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."

sorry rose

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2007-07-04 20:56:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok you have won a free, all expenses paid trip on a Caribbean cruise. Yay!

You have packed all the essentials and you have been at sea for 13 days when you get pushed over board by a giant dog that wanted to use your leg as his new mate. After spending several days at sea clinging to the only floatation device you could find (a toilet seat) you wash up on the shore of a deserted island. You drag yourself to the nearest freshwater stream and drink until you pass out.

When you finally awake, refreshed and still filthy, you decide to look at your new surroundings. You find a dark bottle, several coconut trees, a plastic taco bell cup and several discarded peacock feathers. After arranging your findings in front of you, you notice that the dark bottle has something solid inside of it so you pull out the stopper and start to shake it upside down. A green mist starts to pour out of the bottle and you drop it (it might be poisonous). For several minutes the mist pours out of the bottle (thats a lot of mist and it's kind of minty smelling).

You hear a voice from the mist "Oh Master! Thank you for freeing me from that wreched bottle. What do you wish of me? How may I repay you?"
A person appears from out of the mist and its...... me!

Ok you've got the traditional 3 wishes, minty mist, dark bottle, coconuts, plastic cup, feathers and you're stuck on a deserted island with me as your genie. What are you going to do?

2007-07-04 18:55:35 · 15 answers · asked by raomega8 2

What is common between dog and tree??

2007-07-04 17:59:49 · 5 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

you know like:what is poop's best friend? PEE!!! u know like that or sumthing simaler to that but not with the pee and poo

2007-07-04 17:16:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

sorry had to be done!!!!!star me.if u like it...



A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning

when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting

here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably

sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old

times."
Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down

at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly

replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty

years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your

oatmeal.

2007-07-04 14:39:57 · 12 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been

employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to

confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an

urge to stick his pe*is into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex

therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too

embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his

wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

Do you remember that I told you how I had this

tremendous urge to put my pe*is into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.
he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle

slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too"

2007-07-04 14:12:03 · 12 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

A bear was taking a crap in the woods,when a rabbit came along and sat beside him to do the same. The bear looks down at the rabbit and says. "Hey do you have any problem getting crap out of your furr." The rabbit looks up and says,"No". So the bear picks up the rabbit , wipes his butt ,puts the rabbit down , and says, "Thanks"

2007-07-04 13:51:38 · 12 answers · asked by waterboy 1

You know your a redneck ,when you are walking with your son to school because you go to the same school as him.

2007-07-04 13:47:23 · 14 answers · asked by ? 5

I hate weddings All the old ppl poke u and say your next . they stopped doing that 2 me when i started doing that to them at funerals

2007-07-04 13:44:29 · 21 answers · asked by rdnckwmn64 2

1.SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
LITTLE JOHNNY: No, I'm Little Johnny.
2.
TEACHER: Johnny, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
LITTLE JOHNNY: I get up early.
3.
LITTLE JOHNNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
LITTLE JOHNNY: Your name on this report card.
4.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
5.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

2007-07-04 13:43:45 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman plained a murder- suicide.To bad she had dyslexia.

2007-07-04 13:42:52 · 6 answers · asked by mrjts 4

2007-07-04 13:34:25 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day,
the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to
heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to
heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in
God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand.
He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all
about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little
Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this."
Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven
first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher
asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night
and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm
coming!'"

2007-07-04 13:12:11 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man and an old lady were in church on sunday, and during the sermon the old lady leaned over and let her husband know she let a silent fart. and asked what do I do about it? he replyed turn on your hearing aid.

2007-07-04 13:11:57 · 10 answers · asked by mrjts 4

A journalist did a story on gender roles in Kabul (Afghanistan), several years before the Afghan conclict. She noted that woman customarily wlaked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that woman still walk behind their husbands. From the journalist´s vantage point, despite the overthrow of the Taliban regime, the woman now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom!.
The journalist approched one of the Afghani women and asked: " Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change??"
The woman looked the journalist straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said: "LAND MINES".
Moral of this story: read the titel!

2007-07-04 13:09:27 · 6 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

I think this is the funniest...lol
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with
your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the
answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there
were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking
her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking
her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher neverously, "I guess the one sucking the
cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger. But I like the way you are thinking.

2007-07-04 12:56:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nick and Tom are discussing the new secretary at their office.

Nick says, "man, i dated her last week and we had wonderful sex. She's much better than my wife!"

A few days later, Tom says to Nick, "well i dated her too and you're right, the sex was great - but I still think your wife is better!"

2007-07-04 12:48:52 · 40 answers · asked by thatsnotevenaquestion 4

HOW THE HECK TO YOU RATE SOMEONE'S ANSWER??

2007-07-04 12:33:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

or do you like to switch around?

2007-07-04 12:27:08 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

so I spoke to her through the letter box,see how she liked it.

2007-07-04 12:08:32 · 32 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem: A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozen of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all theese lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dip it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirrors with it.
Since then, no more lip prints on the mirrors!
star?????

2007-07-04 12:02:00 · 10 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

indians have a diff. type of name right?
well an indian kid and his mother were talking. The kid happend 2 ask, mom, why am i named what im named? To this the mother replied, well whenever a baby is born, the chief opens the curtain and names them the first thing they think of when they see them." then she says, "y do u ask, two dogs f***in?"

2007-07-04 11:34:11 · 17 answers · asked by hottilicious_101 1

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.

CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?

MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

2007-07-04 11:32:46 · 14 answers · asked by ? 5

you recite the alphabet Johnny."

Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: “ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!!!”

The teacher asks, "Where is the P?"

Johnny screams, "IT'S RUNNING DOWN MY LEG!!! PLEASE LET ME GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!"

2007-07-04 11:27:44 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman is like a pack of cards.You need a heart to love her,a diamond to marry her,a club to beat her and spade to bury the b ch.

2007-07-04 11:18:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was

touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small

of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his

hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point

below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left

thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming

aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and

rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.



He whispered back, " I found the remote."



Ahhhhhh! So much for romance!

2007-07-04 11:07:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The dial" where a small dial is planted on the back of the head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a facelift. Of course, the woman wanted "The dial", had the surgery and all was well.
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything had been working just fine.", she started, "I've had to turn the dial on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But I seemed to have developed two annoying problems with my face."
"Go on" the doctor said.
"First of all", she continued, "I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the dial won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her and said, "I'm afraid those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She replied, "Ah, I guess that explains the goatee."

2007-07-04 11:06:11 · 8 answers · asked by HUNNYMONSTA 3