Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that,
>>
>>despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
>>
>>
>>
>>Cilla Black who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
>>
>>Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with
>>yer,
>>
>>let's go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
>>
>>
>>
>>So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to
>>bed and had an hour
>>
>>of mad passionate sex together.
>>
>>
>>
>>Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
>>
>>half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
>>my
>>
>>bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a
>>bit
>>
>>perplexed, but says "Okay"
>>
>>
>>
>>He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they
>>
>>have even better sex than before.
>>
>>
>>
>>Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep
>>
>>for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......
>>
>>"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem
>>
>>hun".
>>
>>
>>
>>Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind
>>
>>blowing.
>>
>>
>>
>>Once it's all over, they have a drink. Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
>>
>>asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer Willie in
>>
>>the other does it really stimulate yer that much?"
>>
>>
>>
>>Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla but the last time I shlept with a
>>
>>scouser, she stole ma wallet.

2007-07-06 01:16:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.

They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.

The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.

This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!

As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

2007-07-06 01:11:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time, there was a little lost bird flying over freezing winter fields.
It was so cold that the little bird froze in mid-air and fell like a rock.
Where he landed, a cow dropped a great, big pile of steaming, stinky $#!+ on him.
Revived by the warmth of the stinky $#!+, the bird began to sing for joy.
A cat heard him and dug him out.
Then the cat ate him.

~THE END~

The morals of the story are:

1) Not everyone that drops $#!+ on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of $#!+ is your friend.

And finally,

3) If you ever find yourself in deep $#!+, ALWAYS remember to keep your mouth shut.
--------------------------
Hope y'all learn something from this little story.
If ya like it, please don't hesitate to share it... And please give me a star, will ya?

2007-07-06 01:02:48 · 8 answers · asked by Gamer_Nikko™ 4

A scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring"Run....Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent:"R-r-run ya bahstard,r-r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the scotsman,obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game,screams"R-r-run ya bahstard,r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as ump calls a walk the scotsman stands up and yells"R-r-run ya bhastard,run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.A friendly fan,sensing his embarrasment,whispers to the scotsman,"He dosen't have to run,he's got four balls."

After this explanation the scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams,"Walk with pr-r-ride man!Walk with pr-r-ride!!!"

2007-07-06 00:57:48 · 14 answers · asked by "!" 5

A new guy in town walks and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: Free beer for the person who can pass our test!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
The bartender replies: " Well first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, a 'gator out back with a sore tooth - you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there is a woman upstairs who's never made love to a man. You gotta make things right for her"
The guy says:"Well, much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there."
Well as time goes on and the man drinks a few , he asks " Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

2007-07-06 00:40:15 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was watching a religeous film on tv with my two grandchildren. When the film ended I asked them,who was the only perfect man who ever lived.? Jesus, said my grandaughter. No it was not said my grandson it was Elvis

2007-07-06 00:38:59 · 13 answers · asked by john j 1

If you’ve learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!
Pursue at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
- We must polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- I did not object to the object.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

2007-07-06 00:13:57 · 12 answers · asked by Kitteh 1

There was a beautiful young blonde going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a businessman coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a diet coke selection, and out came the diet coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it into the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for the coke classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Fanta button. Out came a Fanta...

As she was reaching into her purse again, the businessman who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied " Well Duhhh...!, I'm still winning"

*STAR IF YOU LIKE:-)

2007-07-06 00:01:02 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

SOUTH AFRICANS

A white south african went on holiday to Australia. lying on the beach, he pointed out to sea and asked on of the locals.
'what are those black dots'?
they're buoys replied the australian
'and what are they doing'?
they're holding up the shark nets
'gee, what a country' said the south african,' we'd never get away with that back home'.

SCOTS

how do you disperse an angry scottish mob?
nae bother, just go round with a collection box

how do you take a census in Scotland?
throw 10p in the street

how do you spot a scottish trawler?
its the one that's not being followed by seagulls

what have the scottish football team and a 3-pin plug got in common?
they're both useless in europe.

what do you call a scotsman at the world cup final?
ref

did you hear about the scotsman who got caught making nuisance phone calls?
he kept reversing the charges

2007-07-05 23:51:59 · 11 answers · asked by free the weed 3

How did George W. Bush create 14 million new jobs?
13 million of them are comedians

Why does George W. Bush keep his fly open?
in case he has to count to eleven

What were George W. Bush's three hardest years?
second grade

A woman bought a car with a voice-activated radio. when she said rock it automatically switched to a rock music station, when she said classical, it automatically switched to a classical music station, and so on.
One day she was driving along when a van pulled out in front of her, causing her to brake sharply,A ***ole, she yelled. and the radio switched automatically to George W. Bush's press conferance

2007-07-05 23:26:46 · 17 answers · asked by free the weed 3

There were these three guys who like to
go deer hunting every year. So they hire
a guy to fly them to this remote forest.
They all split up to do their hunting,
have a successful day, and meet back at
the plane each carrying a buck. Well,
they loaded up the plane, and as the
pilot started up the engine, he said to
the men, "I don't think she'll be able to
get off the ground with this load."

Two of the men looked disappointed, but
the third quickly responded, "Don't worry
about it, we caught the same amount last
year, and we got off the ground no
problem."

So the pilot said OK, and the plane
started down the runway, and sure enough
got off the ground. But then the plane
started to make some strange noises, and
it crashed in the woods.

The next thing they knew, the three men
and the pilot were in the middle of the
plane wreckage, but in relatively good
health. One of the men asked, "Any idea
where we are?"

The other man said, "I don't know, but I
think we're about a mile or two from
where we crashed last year."

2007-07-05 23:23:27 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

a drunken man goes into a bar and says drinks all round you included bar tender, that will be £55 thankyou sir ..the drunk says sorry i havent any money so the bar tender hits him on the nose ...the next night he goes back in to the bar, and says drinks all round including you bar tender,that will be £66 sir thankyou..the drunk says sorry i havent any money so the bar tender smacks him in the eye....the next night he goes into the bar, drinks all round bar tender ..what no drink for me the bar tender asks ...no said the drunk your violent when you have a drink........

2007-07-05 23:12:32 · 23 answers · asked by casha1 6

A woman goes into a pharmacy, and walks down the
aisle. Halfway down the aisle, she calls to the
cashier,"Excuse me, do you have any batteries?"

Unable to hear, the man signals the woman with
his finger to come closer. He says, "Could you
just come this way?"

The woman laughs and tells the man, "If I
could *** that way I wouldn't need batteries."

2007-07-05 23:07:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men who were lost in d forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners dat they cud live if they pass a trial.

d first step of d trial was to go to the forest n get 10 pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all 3 men went separate ways to gather fruits.

d 1st 1 came back n said to d king, "I brought 10 apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "u have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be killed."

d 1st apple went in... but on the 2nd one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The 2nd one arrived n showed d king 10 berries. When d king explained the trial to him he thought to himself dat this should be easy.

So he proceeded: 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8. and on d 9th berry he burst out in laughter n was killed immediately.

Weeks later, d 1st guy n the 2nd guy met in heaven. d 1st one asked, "Why did u laugh, u almost got away with it.

"i cudn't help it, i saw d 3rd guy coming with pineapples".

2007-07-05 22:55:13 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived, and promptly bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down... and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... And then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But all men are men.

2007-07-05 22:53:58 · 21 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

Salesman & Child
A salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."

SALESMAN: "Is your mommy there? LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "Yes." SALESMAN: "Can I speak with her?" LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "She's busy." SALESMAN: "Is your daddy there?" LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "Yes." SALESMAN: "Can I speak with him?" LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "He's busy." SALESMAN: "Is there anyone else there?" LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "The fire department." SALESMAN: "Can I talk to one of them?" LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "They're busy." SALESMAN: "Is there anybody else there?" LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "The police department." SALESMAN: "Well, can I talk to one of them?" LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "They're busy."

SALESMAN: "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department and the police department are all in your house, and they're all busy. What are they doing?"

LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "They're looking for me."

2007-07-05 22:48:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde, A brunette, and a red-head all died in a car crash, and they all went to heaven at the same time.

They arrive at the gates of heaven, when God appears and tells them they must pass a laughter test, if they fail, they will be sent to hell.

The objective was to climb 100 stairs without laughing. Each stair will have it's own joke.

The Brunette goes first, and laughs at the 46th stair.

The Red-Head goes second, and makes it to the 77th stair.

The Blonde, makes all the way to the 100th step, when she suddenly bursts out with laughter.

God asks "Why are you laughing now?"

The Blonde says "I just got the first joke".

2007-07-05 22:45:29 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

She puts on her clothes and goes home.

2007-07-05 22:44:24 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the store owner asked him for "the magic word", he replied "abracadabra!"!

2007-07-05 22:40:30 · 12 answers · asked by hello world 7

Saying The Right Thing
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

2007-07-05 22:36:36 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2007-07-05 22:32:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Today I got a new voice activated radio, If I say 'Rock' Guns n Roses will play, Or If I say country Dolly Parton will begin to play.... I was driving through town and some kids ran infront of my car, I screamed f***ing kids...

Micheal Jackson began to play.

2007-07-05 22:20:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The manager of a large office saw a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. " what's your name?" was what the manager asked the new guy. "John" he said.

The manager gave John his standard lecture ..."Look, I don't know what kind of little wimpy place you came from, but around here I only call people by their last name- Smith, Jones, Davids, etc. I'm Mr. Lawson.

Now that we got that settled tell me your last name. "Darling, my name is John Darling."

" Ok, John, the next thing I have to tell you is..

2007-07-05 22:18:07 · 3 answers · asked by sguy 1

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his
order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of
headlights and a pair of running boards."

The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear
stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "The
trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair
of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does
he think this place is . . . an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes,
a pai r of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and
running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about
it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of
beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting
for the flat tires, head lights and running boards,
you might as well gas up!

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

2007-07-05 22:17:46 · 59 answers · asked by Anonymous

here Madam series begines....ans it bubbles.....

2007-07-05 22:17:27 · 24 answers · asked by SPIRIT 2

No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.

2007-07-05 22:15:51 · 21 answers · asked by Shef.. 4

I know how to turn on a television.


.....just a little self depricating humor for you all.

2007-07-05 22:11:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory.

One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his
job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of
devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

"For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer,"
he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been
done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what
happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."

2007-07-05 22:04:35 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-05 21:58:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.

"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.

"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.

"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

2007-07-05 21:49:56 · 8 answers · asked by amanda_bbgd182 3