Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Two snowmen were standing in a field, one turned to the other and said ... Do you smell carrots ??

2007-07-07 04:36:10 · 9 answers · asked by zerd12000 3

a man walking his dog meets his friend
his friend says where are you going
he replies woefully im taking the dog to be
destroyed to which the other man said is it
mad."well it isnt f**kin happy about it"

2007-07-07 04:30:47 · 23 answers · asked by vision of darkness 2

2007-07-07 04:07:08 · 8 answers · asked by Smarter than the average bear 4

John was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars . ." she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife ," John answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," says John, " I didn't either 'til you shone that dang light in her face."

2007-07-07 03:58:33 · 18 answers · asked by hottie 2

2007-07-07 03:55:50 · 6 answers · asked by Sarah 4

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh my God! your husband is home! what am I going to do?" said the man.

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably too p*ssed, he aint gonna notice you here with me." said Marge.

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets and exposed 6 feet.

"Honey!" he yelled "what the hell is going on? I see 6 feet at the end of the bed."

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."

"Honey, there is 6 feet, what is going on?"

"Dear, your really are so drunk, count them again."

The husband got out of the bed, and counted 1 2 3 4..............By gosh, you're right dear."

2007-07-07 02:55:45 · 26 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

opens his lunch box and says, "Pizza again! If my wife sends me pizza for lunch one more time I'm going to jump off this building" The second man, a Mexican, opens his lunch to find burritos. "Burritos again! If my wife sends me burritos for lunch one more time I'm going to jump off this building too"
The third man, a Polack, opens his lunch to find sausage. "Sausage again! If I get sausage for lunch one more time I'm going to jump off this building, too" The next day the Italian opens his lunch. Pizza. Off the top of the building he goes. The Mexican opens his lunch. Burritos Off the top of the building he goes. The polack opens his lunch. Sausage Off the top of the building he goes.The families host a joint funeral for the three men. The Italian's wife says "Oh if only I had known I would never have sent him pizza for lunch" The Mexican's wife says, "Oh, if only I had known I would have made something different" The Polacks wife says, "I would have but that dummy made his own lunch"

2007-07-07 02:03:56 · 8 answers · asked by ncbrave25 3

you should be... cause.... 7, 8, 9 !!!!...ha.. ha ! i know, corny huh? ! ? ! ♥
(hey, jamino watch my back, don't want pimp sneakin up on this one!)

2007-07-07 01:57:23 · 9 answers · asked by gone fishing! 5

2007-07-07 01:48:36 · 10 answers · asked by Tria S 1

I was shopping when i found a little pink slimy box on the floor. I picked it up and when i opened it i heard a voice. It said i'm going to bite you in a minute and when i have the first thing you think of you will turn into . . . . . . . . . .

2007-07-07 01:42:11 · 15 answers · asked by WAYNE D 1

woman and a man were arguing, giving each other the silent treatment, the man realised he had to get up at 5am to catch a plane for work do, but didnt want to cave in and speak, so he wrote on a piece of paper, "wake me at 5 please x " and left it somewhere she'd see it. the kitchen table...
the next morning when he woke up he realised it was 9am and he had missed his flight, he went down stairs to the kitchen table and saw his note, it read;

"its 5am!! WAKE UP!!!!"

2007-07-07 01:22:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

website for , comic videos and humour, I'm taking about seriously funny stuff. I tell you, having a great laugh takes a lot of stress out of a person esp now as I am going through a real bad time in my 15 year long relationship. Thanx Y. Answers friends, hope you all make the best of life & treat others well, we're all human sharing one big world, and we all need to be genuinely loved and share genuine love...

2007-07-07 00:25:26 · 9 answers · asked by ILovePeople 2

A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, '*****!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.

2007-07-07 00:16:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is the part of the man that has lots of veins, loves pumping and is responsible for making love??? first one to get this gets the 10 points!

2007-07-07 00:14:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did marc chapman shoot john lennon?
yoko ducked

What fruit has seven dents?
snow white's cherry

What was john lennons last hit?
the pavement

What's the definition of eternity?
the time between when you com and she leaves

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
spit, swallow and gargle

What do you do when the dishwasher packs up?
give her a slap

What do you call five dogs with no balls?
the spice girls

Why cant miss piggy count to 70?
because she gets a frog in the throat at 69

What's the best thing about line-dancing?
one grenade kills them all

What has balls and screws old ladies?
a bingo machine

How did the teenager know he had acne?
his dog called him spot

2007-07-07 00:08:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is stranded on a deserted island,all alone for ten years.One day a gorgeous blond woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives on the island.She comes up to the chap and says,"How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!"he answers.She reaches over,unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pull out a packet of fresh cigarettes.He takes a long drag and says,"Man,oh that was good!"

Then she asks,"How long has it been since you had whisky?"

He replies,"Ten years!"She reaches over and unzips her pocket on the right,pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. he takes a long swallow and says,"Wow that is fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and says to him,"And how long has it been since you had some real fun~?"

And the man replies,"My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

2007-07-06 23:12:11 · 9 answers · asked by "!" 5

Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom.One said,"I took my girlfriend to see The Bride of Dracula last night." "Oh yeah,"said the other,"what was she like?" Well she was about six foot six,white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs." The other said, "Yes but what was The Bride of Dracula like?"

2007-07-06 23:10:38 · 6 answers · asked by Spot 6

I know someone's gonna say, "That's an old one!" Well, I don't know if it is or not but for all of you who haven't heard it enjoy.

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

2007-07-06 22:51:29 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

God and a man are having chat on top of the mountain. The man asks God is it true that a million years is like a second to you. God replies, yes. The man asks God is true that a penny is like a million dollars to you. God again replies, yes. The man asks God if he could have a penny. God said, sure, wait a second.

2007-07-06 22:16:21 · 8 answers · asked by fox_71498 3

A guy was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and his wife was about to take a shower.he realized that he couldn't find the rake.He yelled up to his wife.

"Where's the rake?"

She could'nt hear him and she shouted back,

"What?"

So he pointed to he's eye, then pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.Then his wife wasn't sure and said,

"What?"

He repeated the gestures:"EYE KNEE THE RAKE".

His wife repiled that she understands and signals back.She first points to her eye,next she points to her feft brest,then she points to her bum,and finally to her crotch.

Well, he thought there is no way he could even come close to that one.Exasperated,He went upstairs and asked her,

"What the hell was that?"

she replied(scroll down, the page)











































































"EYE-LEFT-TIT-BEHIND-THE BUSH"

2007-07-06 22:13:05 · 14 answers · asked by "!" 5

There are three moms. .

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

source:http://www.thejokeyard.com/blonde_jokes/blonde_mother.html

2007-07-06 22:01:30 · 12 answers · asked by >D_ConTradictor< 4

Dirty yes, but do u think it's funny? lol

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain sex to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret." The little girl finds her
mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?" Her mother also
doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!" "Why do you
think that?" the amused mother asks.

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."
i can put up more 4 laughs if ya want cuz i'm pretty bored = ]

2007-07-06 21:35:33 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Miscommunication - An Excellent Example
There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish.She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

2007-07-06 21:25:51 · 40 answers · asked by shaktimaan 5

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ’You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’ The cats says, ’Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, ’All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ’Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, ’How are you doing? Are you happy here?’ The cat yawns and stretches and says, ’Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best.

2007-07-06 20:41:00 · 9 answers · asked by kelly 3

Should I, A) hang on to something forever, B) hang on until she takes an enormous dump, or C) crawl out?

2007-07-06 20:31:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.''
The interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?''

''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''

2007-07-06 20:00:39 · 6 answers · asked by pappatoad2 2

Cheney: I've got great news! I just got back from Rio and we're getting a hundred Brazilian soldiers for Iraq.

Bush: That'll help with the surge. How many is a Brazillion?

2007-07-06 17:28:57 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Have you ever seen his face blow up?

It's da bomb!!!

2007-07-06 16:20:41 · 3 answers · asked by Thelemic Warrior 3

Am just wondering why equate hair color to being a half-wit? Am Asian and am just wondering if get offended if you yourself are a blonde? Still, blonde jokes are fun and great at parties

2007-07-06 16:07:18 · 6 answers · asked by bowen 6

2007-07-06 15:18:06 · 14 answers · asked by blondie 1