Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you theowner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies,
"I''m just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."

She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.

"I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

2007-07-07 15:57:14 · 17 answers · asked by dont_know_4_sure 2

Bear with me here, I know this is not how you become a nun.
I'm also not Catholic.

A blond, brunette, and a redhead walk into a church. They go up to the Reverend Mother and ask to become nuns. The Reverend Mother says that they can, but they must confess their last and most recent sin to the Reverend Mother.

The brunette goes first. She says: "I stole candy from a store."
The Reverend Mother forgives her and says, " Go drink from the Holy Water and you will become a nun."

The readhead goes second. She says: "I stole candy from a baby."
The Reverend Mother forgives her and says, "Go drink from the Holy Water and you will become a nun."

The blond goes last and the Reverend Mother asks: "What is your final sin, my child?"

The blond replys, "I peed in the Holy Water."

Give me a star if you love it!!!!

2007-07-07 15:44:59 · 29 answers · asked by lovelit.girl 2

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.

Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize.




The blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."

2007-07-07 14:13:11 · 14 answers · asked by T-Mac281 3

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants

2007-07-07 13:54:45 · 22 answers · asked by enchantress 3

An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."

"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.

"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.

"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."

2007-07-07 13:04:59 · 15 answers · asked by wassabi47 2

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible!

2007-07-07 13:04:06 · 20 answers · asked by enchantress 3

Polish divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?

P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?

P: All my relations still in Poland

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?

P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a ******?

P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?

P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?

P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?

P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'

2007-07-07 13:03:09 · 10 answers · asked by wassabi47 2

Knock knock.
Whos' there?
Salsa.
Salsa Who?
Saul Saw Jesus on the way to Damascus.

(Acts 9)

2007-07-07 12:59:16 · 14 answers · asked by Narnia 2

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

2007-07-07 12:53:29 · 12 answers · asked by wassabi47 2

is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!

2007-07-07 12:08:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

2007-07-07 11:57:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-07 11:51:26 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

POPEYE BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM LOL

2007-07-07 11:51:14 · 13 answers · asked by MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION 5

a blond,brunette&redhead.They run through a hay field, they come across and old barn."We can hide in here" said the brunette,the redhead said, look! theres 3 potato sacks one for each one of us to hide in.So they each slip into their sacks, little did they know the deputy&sheriff were right behind them. Deputy said "I know their in here sheriff, cuz I saw them come in".So as they look about they stumble upon them 3 potato sacks.The sheriff tells the deputy, go see what's in them there sacks, deputy goes to the first sack that has the brunette in it...he kicks it a few times and hears OINK,OINK,OINK,OINK! Awh, theres nothing but pigs in this sack!So he goes over to the next sack (the one the redheads in) he kicks it, kicks it again and hears MEOW,MEOW,MEOW! Awh, sheriff, theres nothing but cats in this sack! So the sheriff heads over to the last potato sack,(with the blond in it of course) and he gives it a doozy of a kick,WHAM! POTATO,POTATO,POTATO! Well,u know the rest of the story?

2007-07-07 10:47:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

i know this guy
2nd irish man snatches it away and takes a peek
of course you know him its me

2007-07-07 10:36:39 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Has anyone anything to report about all the good things the little jailbird Paris Hilton has started on since her release.

Thought I would gag at her spread in People Mag. Last time i buy or read it.. it is a rag of the worst kind. With all that is going on in the world.. she is about as interesting as mud.. less.

2007-07-07 10:36:23 · 4 answers · asked by Debra H 7

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian.
One night during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed there to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a
post card & write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day a few months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me & I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card & watched as her husband read the card, turned white & collapsed.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Need bread . . ."

2007-07-07 10:32:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have once, I was six years old and I remebered it rained hard last night.

I went to my friends house in the morning who has a tree house but it not built on the tree it more like a gaurd tower like the movie Indiana Jones from Raiders of the Lost Ark but only about two floors high. We played for about an hour then we left for lunch.

As I came down from the ladder by the 3rd step and fell head first.

And you know how there are cross boards that hold the legs to support the tree house.

SOMEHOW I dont know what my leg got caught in the last cross boards and the moment I open my eyes I saw the ground less than 2 inches off of my head, I can feel the grass touching my head.

2007-07-07 10:20:48 · 6 answers · asked by Frank W 2

. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got p1ssed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

2007-07-07 10:20:31 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

how can this be possible AND THERE IS A ANSWER to this riddle lets see who can find out the answer (u will have to think a lot)

2007-07-07 09:52:07 · 18 answers · asked by shod3 2

for who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fvcking beautiful!'"

2007-07-07 09:49:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

on the bar saying "The Challenge" So he asks the bartender what it's about, and the barman says that he must put 20 pounds into the bucket and he will find out. So the man puts 20 pounds in and the bartender points to a man built like a tank in the corner and says "You need to knock him out with one punch" So the man goes up to him and knocks him clean out, and goes back to the bar and picks up the bucket. The bartender then says, that's only the first part. He then says "secondly, in the back room, my dog which hasn't been fed for days and is pretty pissed off has a loose tooth, and you must remove it, and upstairs, my 99 year old grandma who hasn't been pleasured sexually for over 50 years, and it's her dying wish to have an orgasm, you must do this." So the man thinks about it, and proceeds to the back room. The bartender hears a lot of barking and yelping, then the man comes out covered in blood and says "Now wheres that old lady with a loose tooth?"

2007-07-07 08:37:23 · 16 answers · asked by Morritsey 2

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her bum and said, "You know if you firmed this up you could get rid of your girdle."

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the tit and said,"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

She rolled over and grabbed him by the dick and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the window cleaner, and your brother."

2007-07-07 07:16:51 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a blonde and a brunette were walking down to the grocery store when the brunette pointed out to the blonde "oh, hey look at that dead bird.."

The blonde looks around around up in the sky for a few minutes and says "hmm, I don't see any dead ones."

2007-07-07 06:48:27 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

a guy wakes up in the middle of the night and walkes to his kitchen and makes a sandwich. after hes done, he turns off a light and walks to his bathroom and washes his hands. after he washes his hands he goes to bed. the next day he wakes up and looks out his window. he gasps in horror at what he sees and jumps to his death. what happened?

2007-07-07 06:30:35 · 6 answers · asked by Krisy 2

John was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars . ." she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife ," John answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," says John, " I didn't either 'til you shone that damm light in her face."


Ps;; Hope you liked it.

2007-07-07 06:24:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

took a deep breath, and told her that her hair smelt nice. After a week of this, the woman reported him to her boss for sexual haressment.
the boss was mystified. "What's wrong with someone telling you your hair smelt nice,?"
the woman replied "He's a midget"

2007-07-07 06:00:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f'ing difference?" asks the father?

"That's what I said!"

2007-07-07 05:28:58 · 4 answers · asked by Rod 3

You are in a room and you need to get out. There are two doors in the room and no windows. One of these doors leads to instant freedom and one leads to instant death. But you do not know which is which. There are also two people in the room with you. One person who will ALWAYS tell the TRUTH and one person who will ALWAYS tell a LIE. You do not know which one is the liar and which one is the truth teller. You are allowed one question to one person, not both, to help you figure out which door will set you free. But it's only one question, not even a two part question. Which question would you ask?

2007-07-07 05:28:04 · 22 answers · asked by garciajennifer@att.net 5

WOMAN has MAN in it .

SHE has HE in it.

Mrs. has Mr. in it.

LADY has LAD in it.

MISTERESS has MISTER in it.

MADAM has ADAM in it.

HOSTESS has HOST in it.

FEMALE has MALE in it

............ .......and so on the list is never ending

SO NO need to be proud ....Girls

YOU are always incomplete without Boys....

2007-07-07 05:22:28 · 62 answers · asked by shaktimaan 5