Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

why is it, when eventually im holding all the cards, everyone decides to play chess???

2007-07-09 03:45:35 · 9 answers · asked by berni 3

1. Whine

2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no.
Then get mad when you are believed.

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. Whine.

6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to
sleep, it's because he is lazy.

7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required
gifts proving his love.

10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.

11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend
must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed
immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.

12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about
doing anything other than catering to your needs.

2007-07-09 03:37:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

as i went to st.ives i met a man w/7 wives each wife had 7 bags each bag had 7 cats each cat had 7 kits how many were going to st. ivs? first one right gets best answer!

2007-07-09 03:31:04 · 13 answers · asked by jdkdlove 1

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

2007-07-09 03:19:11 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

a trip to canadda left me completely discombobulalted. my brain worked overtime converting centigrade to farenheit, canadian dollars to american dollars, and kilometers to miles.

i felt like a math whiz until we passed a sign for a city that read "population 79,000." i turned to my husband and asked, "how many is that in americans?"

2007-07-09 03:11:08 · 12 answers · asked by sunshinembf 4

Put Me In Fire, I'll Turn Pretty. Put Me In Water, I'll Make It Ugly. I Live With The Scorpions And With The Fish... What Am I?

I haven't the slightest idea I know someone out there does please help, thanks to all who try.

2007-07-09 02:53:22 · 9 answers · asked by Jay Beans 2

a man travelling by plane in urgent need of mens room is nervously tapping his foot on floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the door it was occupied. stewardess aware of his predicument suggests he uses ladies instead, but cautions him against using any of the buttons inside marked WW,WA,PP & ATR. Making the mistake so many men make in disregarding what a woman says he tries them anyway. He pressed the button marked WW and immediately warm water sprayed his bum. He thought wow women really have it made. He pressed the button WA and a gentle breeze dried his hind quarters. He pressed PP and a powder puff applied soft talc to his rear. He couldnt resist the button marked ATR. When he woke up in hospital he buzzed for the nurse. He cried "what happened to me" the last thing i remember i was in the ladies room on a buisiness trip, the nurse replied, you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.

2007-07-09 02:48:26 · 13 answers · asked by panda 3

In a truck restaurant stop when three Hell's Angles bikers walked in,they saw an old man eating.The first walked up to the old man,pushed his cigarette into the old mans pie and then took a seat at the counter.The second walked up to the old man,spit into the old mans milk and then he took a seat at the counter.The third walked up to the old man,turned over the old man's plate, and then took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest,the old man quietly left the dinner.Shortly thereafter,one of the bikers said to the waitress,"Humph, not much of a man,was he?"

The waitress replied,"Not much of a truck driver either.He just backed his huge truck and really smashed three Harley Davidson motorcycles".

2007-07-09 02:32:34 · 14 answers · asked by "!" 5

if anyone know of a sight that I can print some really funny jokes for a friend of mine thats confined.I would really appreciate your help.

2007-07-09 02:22:18 · 3 answers · asked by ღOMGღ 7

Lift up his tail.

2007-07-09 01:59:15 · 5 answers · asked by Alea S 7

a zoo, has just mammals & birds. When asked how many of each they have, the zoo keeper said he had 54 animals with 140 feet total between them all. Assuming all the animals have all the feet they should have, how many birds & how many mammals are there?

2007-07-09 01:31:25 · 7 answers · asked by G65puzzle 1

Three Aussie guys, Steve, Bruce and Kevin, were working on a high-rise building project. One day, Steve fell off and was killed instantly.

As the ambulance took the body away, Bruce said, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin said, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, so I'll do it."

Two hours later, he came back carrying a case of Foster's. Bruce asked, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bruce replied.

"That's unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead, and she gave you the beer?"

"Well, not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"

"She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'"

"And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Foster's you are.'

2007-07-09 01:28:38 · 7 answers · asked by Tish P 6

I need some catholic jokes please.

I was brought up in a catholic family, we can laugh at ourselves you know so lets not have any PC comments plse.

...and if you can relate it to a catholic vegan you can have a gazillion points

ta.

2007-07-09 00:37:37 · 12 answers · asked by Michael H 7

In the early days of the American space program, NASA received reports from the astronauts that their pens would not write in space. Ball points, fountain pens, even quills, nothing worked! So NASA contacted the people who had supplied the pens and made money available for the production of a pen which would write in space. Eventually, thousands of dollars later, a suitable pen was produced, incorporating a small gas filled cylinder which propelled the ink out of the pen. It worked both in space and underwater. The problem was solved, albeit at great expense. Many years later, when co-operation with the Russians was established, it occurred to someone at NASA to ask how the Russians had solved the problem. "There was no problem," they said, "we used a pencil."

2007-07-08 23:50:24 · 15 answers · asked by Phoenix 寶尚羿 3

Leroy was spotted driving along the highway at steady speed,when he suddenly indicated right and pulled off onto the shoulder.He quickly jumped out of the car and opend the trunk.From a large bag,he produced a party hat,streamers,a bottle of lemonade,he launched into a little Irish jig.
The whole proceeding lasted about fifteen minutes,after which he got back in his car and drove off.
Curious,the police fullowed him at a distance and half an hour later,they saw him stop and repeat the whole procedure.This was too much for the officers,so they decided to check him out.
"Can we ask you the reason for all the shops and the food,drink and Irish jigs?" one of the officers asked.
"Well,sir,"explained Leroy,"I'm on the company's outin!."
"But you're the only one here,"argued the officer.
"Yeah,I know," replied Leroy."I'm self-employed!"

2007-07-08 23:39:45 · 9 answers · asked by "!" 5

what am I?

2007-07-08 23:24:49 · 10 answers · asked by Stephanie L 1

Students in a journalism class were asked 2 write a one-line story that includes these 3 elements:
1)Religion
2)Sex
3)Mystery


The story that got A+ was :
"Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it..?"

2007-07-08 23:13:16 · 11 answers · asked by Jasmine 2

For £1.90 each. But if Evian is spelt backwards it spells NAIVE!

2007-07-08 21:15:48 · 16 answers · asked by COOKIE MONSTER 1

3 guys (rich,poor and a miser) went to have a beer. Before they started drinking , a fly fell in each's beer. The rich threw away the beer and got a new one. The poor picked the fly, threw it away, then drank. The miser picked the fly and said "U ****** fly, spit out what u have drank !" :D

Dont be harsh on me guys, this is my first joke here :)

2007-07-08 20:23:57 · 18 answers · asked by Jasmine 2

2007-07-08 20:23:56 · 19 answers · asked by kaye j 3

"I want you to be honest with me now, how many women have you slept with?" The husband slightly taken aback at this question decides that honesty is the best policy and replies...

"Well let me see there's been, 1, 2, 3, you, 5, your sister, 7..."

2007-07-08 20:10:16 · 11 answers · asked by Dustbowl Blues 3

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Woolworths
and standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25kilos before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that
the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

2007-07-08 19:43:49 · 5 answers · asked by PC 7

2007-07-08 18:53:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am the paler, colder? smaller of a well known duo.
2) We usually follow one another, except when we play hide and seek between each other.
3) I am prettier from afar than up close, but you can look at me without harm.
4) I have had more guests (1) than my partner (0).
What am I?

2007-07-08 17:36:21 · 7 answers · asked by Linda M 2

A Sign of relief for Blond women.

A blond man comes home from work and hears his wife yelling. He runs up the stairs and finds her in bed naked; the blond asks his wife what's wrong.

She says she's having a heart attack. He runs downstairs to call 911 where he finds his 5 year old son.

The boy cries, "Daddy, uncle's in the closet naked!"

So the dolt runs back upstairs and opens the closet and sure enough there was his brother naked in his closet.

"I can't believe it!" he yells, "My wife has an emergency and you're running around scaring the kids!"

2007-07-08 15:22:19 · 11 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

Billy Bob went to his local psychiatrist's "free consultation" to see if he could help him overcome his fear of the monsters under his bed. The psychiatrist told him "I can cure you, but it will take one year with two visits per week at $200/hr." Billy Bob said he'd have to get back with him.
About six months later, the psychiatrist ran into Billy Bob at the store. "Hey, Billy Bob? Have you given any thought to see me about your 'monsters under the bed' fear?"
Billy Bob said "I'm cured! Jim Bob the bartender did the math and said it'd cost $20,800 for you to cure me, but he cured me for free, so I bought myself a new truck with the money Jim Bob saved me".
The shrink asked "How did he cure you for free?"
"Easy....he told me to cut the legs off the bed. Aint no monsters under there now!"

2007-07-08 14:42:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm taking an art class and the nude model just quit.
because I like to finger paint.

There is nothing funny about dogs playing poker. There us nothing remotely cute about animals with gambling problems. If you look closely at those paintings, you can tell most of those dogs are playing with money they can't afford to lose. And sadder still, it takes seven of their dollars to make one of ours.

During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement .And wait for the kids to run by and try to kick them over.

These are my favorites
which one is your favorite?

2007-07-08 14:03:51 · 22 answers · asked by babykatdream099 5

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

2007-07-08 13:35:53 · 24 answers · asked by hottie 2

Jim is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
Jim makes his three wishes and the genies diappear.
The next thing Jim knows, he's in a bedroom in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet; he looks down and the floor is covered in £50 notes.
Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are the two genies. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
As the genies walk off, one genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be well hung is beyond me.

2007-07-08 13:26:12 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

i just have this conversation, and the person was calling me a pain in the a**.. but actually he is being an a**

2007-07-08 13:25:19 · 20 answers · asked by ♦cat 6