Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

I went on a date with a(an) ______ and it was SO _____!
After the date we went to the ______ to ______! All together, I had a really_____ time!

2007-07-09 15:35:00 · 8 answers · asked by Heather B 3

theirs a blind man walking down the street, he passes a fishmarket, and says

" Hello Ladies."

2007-07-09 15:32:12 · 10 answers · asked by kayla B 1

a boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner.
after dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes,
leaving him with the father and the dog duke, who was sitting underneath the
boy's chair. unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. he
stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"duke!" the dad yelled.

"this is great!" the boy thought. "he thinks the dog is farting!" so he let
out another one.

"duke!" the father barked. the boy thought he was home free so he let
everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"duke! get out of there before the boy s**** on you!"

2007-07-09 15:28:02 · 12 answers · asked by hey 4

Ok So Theres A Dude And He Is Wearing Jeans. He Walks Accross The Street And Throws Away His Cup Of Coffee.

2007-07-09 15:27:42 · 11 answers · asked by [quarantine] 3

Okay so a guy is
near the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.

One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.

As you
might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!

2007-07-09 15:23:50 · 6 answers · asked by bekapv_219 3

How many apples in a barrel of grapes ?

2007-07-09 15:23:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

the chicken or the egg?

2007-07-09 15:11:13 · 12 answers · asked by i love youuu, <3 2

A cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircrafts sewage tank. The aircraft commander was becoming impatient. Not only was the truck late, but also the airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. Finally the commander snapped and promised to punish the airman for his slowness
The airman replied: 'sir, I have no stripes, it is twenty below zero, I’m stationed in Greenland, and I’m pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?'

2007-07-09 15:11:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I was 12 my mom dragged me against my will to an arts and crafts fair. It was bad enough with so many hippies there, with their beards and sandals and rolled up jeans, but then I saw a mime. I went into the best plan of action I could, which was to keep out of his sight and watch him carefully. I thought I saw him leave, so I sat down for a minute, dropping my guard. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the mime appeared and apparently he noticed I wasn't in a good mood and took it upon himself to cheer me up. Who did he think he was? So, he sets up this invisible card table and pulls up a chair. If he'd used an invisible chair, I might have been impressed, but he didn't have that level of commitment. Anyway, he dealt some invisible cards, we wagered some invisible money, and then he showed his hand. He had four aces! I knew he was cheating, cause I had five aces myself, so I shot him in the head. Was this wrong? At least the other kids there won't grow up to be mimes.

2007-07-09 15:10:28 · 11 answers · asked by The Devil 2

The madam was experiencing hard times and began losing money. Finally, in an
effort to save her house, she decided to replace her girls with inflatable
dolls.
The first evening, two drunks stumbled in, paid their money, and repaired
upstairs. A half hour later they came down and went to the bar next door to
compare notes.
They sat there staring blearily at one another, and after a while the first
drunk said, "I think mine was dead."
"Dead?" asked the second drunk? "How come you think she was dead?"
"Well," said the first drunk, "she didn't talk, she didn't move - she didn't
do anything."
They sat a few more minutes, and then the second drunk said, "Well, I think
mine was a witch."
"A witch? How come?" asked the first drunk.
"Well," he said, "when I leaned over to nibble her breast, she suddenly let
out a long, loud fart and flew out the window."

2007-07-09 15:08:45 · 5 answers · asked by hey 4

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf
gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What's a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

2007-07-09 15:00:33 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

if not, go to an eye specialist! hehehe kidding serioulsy

2007-07-09 14:55:37 · 6 answers · asked by holgánza 2

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

2007-07-09 14:49:20 · 5 answers · asked by hey 4

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is...Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
So wearily, and to avoid further debate, Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and then hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and then starts hollerin', "OWW! OWW! MAW! MAW!...my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
"YEAH, PAW...AGGRAVATIN', AIN'T IT?!" Maw hollered back.

2007-07-09 14:45:23 · 14 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised."

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

2007-07-09 14:34:20 · 9 answers · asked by hey 4

You're walking through the forest when suddenly, one of the wheels on your canoe breaks! So how many pancakes does it take to cover the roof of a doghouse?

2007-07-09 14:34:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, “What are them cows up to honey?” The husband, a bit flustered, answers, “Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see!” After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, “What are them horses doing honey?” The husband answers again, “Them horses, they're roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.“
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's member. “Oh my!” she cries. “What is that?” Well darling” he says, “that's ma'rope!” She slides her hands down further and gasps, “Oh my goodness! What are those?” she asks.
“Honey, those're my knots!” he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, “Stop honey, wait a minute!” Her husband, panting a little, asks: “What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?” “No,” the bride replies, “undo them damn knots. I need more rope.”

2007-07-09 14:12:06 · 17 answers · asked by pd6491 2

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

2007-07-09 13:45:42 · 7 answers · asked by Grilled cheese lover 2

Hung Chow calls into work and says,
"Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.

You got nice house!!

2007-07-09 13:34:30 · 17 answers · asked by a m 4

ASTRONOMER-MOON STARER

DESPERATION-A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES-THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH-HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE-HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES- CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS-LIES LET'S RECOUNT

A DECIMAL POINT-IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO-TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

2007-07-09 13:26:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, little Johnny and little Sarah were taking a test (sitting next to each other).

Upon recieving the completed tests, the teacher realized little Johnny cheated off of little Sarah and promptly called Johnny's mother.

Johnny's mother asked how the teacher knew that Johnny cheated off of Sarah, and not the other way around.

The teacher said "Well, on this question, Sarah wrote 'I don't know', while Johnny wrote 'I don't know either.'".

2007-07-09 13:19:08 · 4 answers · asked by anonymous random guy 3

Young lad starts work in a shop that sells everything. The old boy who's been there for years says "watch me with the customers son and I'll show you how the jobs done" So in walks a guy and asks for a packet of grass seeds, "certainly sir" says the old boy "and can I interest you in a lawnmower?" "why'd I want a lawnmower" says customer "well sir you obviously going to want to cut the grass once it grows and keep it looking nice". "your rite" says cust,omer, so he ends up with a large sale. "There you go lad, thats how it's done, now you serve the next customer" Few minutes later a Lady walks in "can I help you madam " says young lad "yes please I'd like a pkt of tampax please" replies the lady, "no problem madam" says young lad placing a box in a paper bag "now could I interest you in a lawnmower at all" old boy looks confused and lady says "why would I want a lawnmower?" "Well" says lad "your weekends obviously F***** up, so you might as well cut the grass".

2007-07-09 13:11:24 · 22 answers · asked by medusa1 .•*´`*♥ 3

the christian baker asks "brown or white?"

to which the buddhist replies "it dont matter im on my bike"

2007-07-09 13:08:33 · 14 answers · asked by Fiddy 4

the man throws on his pants and runs down to the store.When he gets there he finds out that he only has 10 cents. But he is in luck because they have some cheap condoms on sale. So he looks and sees that they have a white condom for 5 cents a black condom for 10 cents and a purple condom for 15 cents. Well his wife favorite color is purple but he doesnt have it all so instead he buys the black one.While he is out a black guy breaks into their suite and sees his wife laying naked with her eyes closed so he starts to have sex with her. When he finishes the husband comes through the door and the black guy jumps out the window. Not knowing what happened the husband slips on the condom and proceeds to have sex with his wife. The wife gets pregant and has a boy but he comes out black. So when the kid turns 5 he turns to his dad and says why are you and mommy white and im black. And the dad replies shut up u bastard and count ur self lucky because if i had 5 more cents u would be purple

2007-07-09 13:05:04 · 16 answers · asked by truplaya9908 3

A man walks into the street & manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, & the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. A guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone & danced like a Broadway star & you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "Yeh, he had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew about wine, which foods to order & which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me- I change a fuse, & the whole street blacks out. But Frank, he could do everything right."

2007-07-09 13:01:02 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were too nuns coming down the street on a dark night. Suddenly, they realise that they're being followed by two men. When they finally reach them, there is no hope. So they just give up, letting the two men take advantage of them. During the aggression, one of the nuns looks up to the sky and says "Oh Lord, forgive them!! THey don't know what they're doing"

Then the second nun says " only your guy, cause mine is an artist!!!!!"

2007-07-09 12:45:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

2007-07-09 12:29:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Make it interesting and appropriate.

2007-07-09 12:24:45 · 16 answers · asked by rawrrr! 1

The Hunchback....Quasimodo..worked, ringing the bells of Notre Dame Cathedral..
One day while swinging out of the rope...it broke.
Quasimodo resorted to running at the bell & hitting it a full force head butt....
until one day when he ran at the bell............& missed
plunging from the bell tower to his death on the street below..
A crowd assembled around the remains on the street, All wondering who he could be & what happened to the poor man at their feet...
One onlooked stepped forward and said..

"I don't know his name but his face rings a bell!!! "

2007-07-09 12:13:19 · 14 answers · asked by grifnuts 2

2007-07-09 12:08:11 · 3 answers · asked by Karis 2