Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

the cops were combing the area for hours.

2007-07-10 10:09:59 · 6 answers · asked by lonestar 2

yeah, the police are looking for HARDENED criminals.

2007-07-10 10:08:15 · 1 answers · asked by lonestar 2

How To Tell If Your Viagra Is Working

At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sitdown at a meeting, the table floats.

Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.

When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "the tripod."

You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.

Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it.

Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial.

Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line...

Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.

You always lose limbo contests.

Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.

You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.

You like to sleep on your back, so you had to remove the ceiling fan

2007-07-10 09:59:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fish

2007-07-10 09:47:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-10 09:41:03 · 7 answers · asked by r_duke 1

stop mucking about Muhammad and pass me the explosives

2007-07-10 09:25:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

shed on fire. What would you do??

2007-07-10 09:21:30 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-10 09:10:04 · 17 answers · asked by Poetic Justice 1

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright,
I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over
here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and
then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows
away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."

2007-07-10 09:02:42 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hi honey.

This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Paul."


After a brief pause, Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room
with Mommy, right now."


Brief Pause.


"Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."




A few minutes later
the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."


"And what happened honey?"
he asked.


"Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool
and I think he's dead."



***Long Pause***



***Longer Pause**




***Even Longer Pause***



Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?"

2007-07-10 08:55:19 · 19 answers · asked by Karez121 4

If you use predictive text when you type a message on your mobile, then give this a go. Try typing 'Smirnoff' (as in the vodka) and see what comes up first. It's quite funny I thought.

:)

2007-07-10 08:55:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-10 08:54:25 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is hevier a pound of cotton wool or a pound of concrete

2007-07-10 08:28:06 · 22 answers · asked by sparkyblast99 1

Lets hear your funniest caption/joke for this pic. What is he or the girls thinking or saying.

2007-07-10 08:18:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

23,8,1,20 9,19 20,8,5 1,14,19,23,5,18

2007-07-10 08:03:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I should just go jump off a cliff.
I don't deserve to live.
SHE deserves you.
Just carry on.......living your happy lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!
................don't look at me!

2007-07-10 06:46:43 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Back by popular demand:



A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question "

2007-07-10 04:30:58 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-10 04:09:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was having his first solo parachute jump.

Halfway down he pulls the rip-cord. Nothing happens and he becomes frantic.

Surprisingly there's a bloke coming up to meet him.

"Do you know anything about parachutes mate?"

"Sorry mate no.........Do you know anything about gas cookers?"

2007-07-10 03:29:19 · 8 answers · asked by GenetteS 3

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

2007-07-10 02:53:34 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a girl visits her doctor and tells him she has a terrible discharge, ok take your knickers off and lets check it he says, she obliges and he slips a finger in and has a feel around. how does that feel he asks? f u c k i n g wonderful, she replies. but the discharge is from my ear!!!

2007-07-10 02:04:14 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

URGENT MISSING REPORT


ROUND YELLOW THING USUALLY FLOATS AROUND IN THE SKY

ANSWERS TO THE NAME ''SUN''

IF YOU SEE HIM TELL HIM IT'S ****ING JULY

2007-07-10 01:56:29 · 20 answers · asked by ? 4

Ok here is the riddle!!!!

It's there but it isn't.
You know it but you don't.
It is but isn't.

2007-07-10 01:47:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a question asked by a boy shaktimaan named "am i right or wrong"
He has words
WOMAN has MAN in it .
SHE has HE in it.
Mrs. has Mr. in it.
LADY has LAD in it.
MISTERESS has MISTER in it.
MADAM has ADAM in it.
HOSTESS has HOST in it.
FEMALE has MALE in it

But i will say
Man came out of Woman
He came out of She
Mr. came out of Mrs.
Lad came out of Lady
Mister came out of Mistress
Adam came out of Madam
Host came out of Hostess
Male is also from Female

wat u say "Shaktimaan", when u boys will get ur own identity???? without girls?
and girls if u liked plzzzzzz star.........

2007-07-10 01:42:09 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Drunk guy at a bar.

There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer Get out of my bar" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

2007-07-10 01:31:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was driving home when a guy pulled her over. The guy says, “Get out of the car and stand in this circle or something awful is going to happen to you.”

So, while the blonde is standing in the circle the guy is going through her car and transporting it to his car. Then the blonde started laughing hysterically. The guy asks, "Why are you laughing? The blonde ignores him and he says, “Whatever…” and continues to rob her car.

The blonde starts laughing again. "Why R U laughing again!" She again ignores him. Then just as the guy is about to drive away, the blonde starts laughing a third time

"Ok… that’s it… What’s your problem,” the guy shouts???

"Well, the blonde says, “When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times!

2007-07-10 01:19:23 · 18 answers · asked by "!" 5

A hopper of ditches,
A cropper of corn,
A little brown deer,
With leathery horn.

2007-07-10 01:16:11 · 2 answers · asked by The Mac 5

Does this mean that very soon we wll see in our shops "Beef from non methane emmitting herd"? And will it be more expensive? :-)

2007-07-10 01:02:59 · 3 answers · asked by Jim 5

2007-07-09 23:26:05 · 14 answers · asked by Conan 3

A virgin couple are on their honeymoon.
Before they have sex, the womansay's she has something to confess.
The huaband say's, 'l will love you no matter what it is, tell me.'
The wife tells him that she is very flat chested
The husband takes off her shirt and say's, 'yes you're small, but l love you anyway. Now, l have something to confess too.'
she say's 'l will love you no matter what it is, tell me.
He says 'ok, l'm bult like a baby down there.'
she says, 'l can deal with that.'
so he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out.He fans her and finally gets up.
she says, 'l thought you were built like a baby?'
he says, 'yes 7lbs, 21inches.'

2007-07-09 23:04:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous