Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up b***h."

2007-07-11 11:52:18 · 22 answers · asked by josey 3

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den i come. Den two asses come together. i come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't talk aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said one of the men. "who's talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi."

2007-07-11 11:32:54 · 15 answers · asked by trancelator25574 1

from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm
lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon,"
he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's
upstairs in the second room on the right.
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker
and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked
the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking
for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman
inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you
know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't replied
the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."

2007-07-11 11:15:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

MEN NEVER LISTEN!
In a Chicago hospital, a visitor gentleman had made several
attempts to Get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse
Noticed his predicament."Sir," she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to
Touch any of the buttons on the wall. He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letter: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a
Nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
Replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.

2007-07-11 10:57:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

We got kool-aid, no sugar
peanut butter, no jelly
ham, no burger!
DDAAAMMMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

2007-07-11 10:36:59 · 11 answers · asked by IM A BOLD SOUL SISTA! B-S-S!!! 4

2007-07-11 10:33:31 · 13 answers · asked by IM A BOLD SOUL SISTA! B-S-S!!! 4

Were do sheep go when they need there hair cuting? answer the barrbers.
Doctor doctor I feel like a sheep thats baaad.
Were they good?

2007-07-11 10:30:11 · 9 answers · asked by philip k 1

now its called Formula One

2007-07-11 10:23:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

sorry i got this joke i really am serious because i just am not able to stop laughing ,
its,making me ill . dont want to think of it in church because it would be terrible to have to run out . any ideas how to forget it .

may not seem funny to others

2007-07-11 10:07:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times,"
the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning
she made me delicious crepes, and she told
me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,"
the Italian responded, "and this morning she
made me a wonderful omelet and told me
she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the
Frenchman smugly asked "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

2007-07-11 09:59:51 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay, I know that someone apologized about this earlier, but I'm sorry about those Hellen Keller jokes. I know that they're just jokes, and I shouldn't have to apologize. But people are pissed that I'm making fun of someone like that. But, to those who got 'offended' by it, I'm really sorry!

2007-07-11 09:45:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an old cowhand who owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board..
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the rancher.

2007-07-11 09:40:14 · 6 answers · asked by lb_kj 3

When I was young, probably about 12 years old, I started getting pubic hair.

I really had no idea what it was, or if it was normal...

I was so embarassed about it that I never even asked anyone about it, or if they had hair down there.

I literally thought I was the only one on the face of the earth with hair on my gonads. Which made me wonder if I was human, or some strange monkey/human mix from the lab! Lmao.

Somewhere down the line I learned that pubes were normal. It probably took me until I was 14 to figure that out, though.

Is that a funny story? Rate it on a 1-10 scale!

2007-07-11 09:32:26 · 24 answers · asked by Jason The Great 6

Pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."


"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"

Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you can't lose an eye just from bird poop".

Pirate: "Well, it was my first day with the hook."

2007-07-11 09:27:13 · 16 answers · asked by kayboff 7

Everyone should have this in the bag!

2007-07-11 09:22:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning,
I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from
0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the
window and sure enough there was a box gift
wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused,
the wife put on her robe and ran out to the
driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday

2007-07-11 09:21:31 · 17 answers · asked by Deb S 6

Smoking bad been in place for just over a week and already people caught smoking at Glasgow Airport....

2007-07-11 08:49:39 · 30 answers · asked by gimp 1

three dicks was having a pee when one started bragging "my masters very good to me he takes me out every day and washers me and plays with me once a week " the second one say " thats nothing my master takes me out washers me every day and plays with me every day " the last dick stars crying so they asked why he said " my master does all that but once a week he takes me out puts me in a dark hole bangs me about until i be sick

2007-07-11 08:48:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is talking to his garden friend.
The friend says,"I have 2 legs, but when I move my legs don't touch the ground.
What am I?




I feel stupid asking this, as its maybe a bit cheating, and it sounds kind of simple, but I CAN'T figure it out!

2007-07-11 08:26:28 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A manager at a tickle-me-elmo plant is hiring for the position of assisstant manager. the man decides to hire a brunette and also hired her a blonde secretary. one day the manager decides to take the day off and he leaves the brunette and the blonde in charge of the plant. he gets an urgent call saying that there is an emergency at the plant and he needs to get down there as soon as possible.

when he gets down there he discovers that all the tickle-me-elmo dolls have two large nuts. he walks up to the assisstant manager and says "what is going on?"

she says "i told my blonde assisstant to make sure that every doll got two "test tickles" before they got shipped out."

2007-07-11 08:14:03 · 11 answers · asked by enchantress 3

Peter's pump up partner
Was starting to decay.
He'd had the thing for many years
And used it every day.

It's time to buy another one.
Perhaps he'll go for black.
He took the bus to Liverpool
And got the next one back.

He tore his buddy from its box.
So eager to inflate.
Anticipation took its toll
And Peter couldn't wait.

But he was in for quite a shock.
It wasn't Peter's day.
In lustful thirst
The rubber burst
And buddy blew away.

2007-07-11 07:58:36 · 12 answers · asked by ? 5

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

2007-07-11 07:42:13 · 17 answers · asked by CNJ 2

Blonde suspecting her boyfriend is cheating on her, she goes into gunshop buys a gun puts it in her purse.She heads off and it was to boyfriends flat, bursts open the door guess what she saw, yes, the boyfriend in the arms of a redhead,boy was she angry!! puts her hand in her purse pulls out the gun puts it to her head, boyfriend shouts No! don't do it honey I love you . she shouted shut the f&&& up your next.

if you are a blonde just change the colours say brunette or whatever.

2007-07-11 06:57:21 · 14 answers · asked by terrano 4

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always
wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do. (Oh ****!! I'm naturally left handed, If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so
that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I wonder who
was paid to figure that out.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some
people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that
too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew...? Who cares! )


Humans and dolphins and rats are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (So what about the pig?)

2007-07-11 06:10:42 · 17 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:

"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony"

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.

"Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."

2007-07-11 05:18:13 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

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Oh look, donut seeds

2007-07-11 05:09:59 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Even stupid riddle answers are accepted

2007-07-11 04:42:15 · 7 answers · asked by ♥ МǻřĩŊǻ♥ 1

A Doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
The husband gets up in a rage and says, "and you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to phone after many rings and the irritated husband says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?

She says, "I was in bed".
"In bed this late, doing what"?
"Getting a second opinion" she says.

2007-07-11 04:28:38 · 18 answers · asked by "!" 5

How Dare You!
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step.

Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.
Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted
up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.

The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends."

2007-07-11 04:26:23 · 34 answers · asked by shaktimaan 5

Married couple in bed ,phone rings wife answers(a blonde.) "how would I know the coast is two hundred miles away idiot". On waking the husband asks who was that, dunno! she replied,"what did they say he said" wife said "she was asking if the coast was clear".

2007-07-11 03:59:42 · 17 answers · asked by terrano 4