Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

Q: How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


A: Hey, do you want to ride my bike?

2007-07-11 03:45:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

If l caused anyone offense of my posting of jokes concerning HELEN KELLER.
the said question has been removed

2007-07-11 03:35:35 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pulled an old woman at a club last night. She was well fit for 55. We drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she asked me if I'd ever had a mother/ daughter 3-some.? I said no. She said tonight was my lucky night.
Went back to hers. She opened the door and shouted up the stairs...
" Mum, you still awake."

2007-07-11 03:24:11 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to
the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in
thehouse. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail
box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something wrong?" To which she replied," There certainly is!"(are you
ready? . this is a beauty ...)My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE
GOT MAIL."

2007-07-11 03:13:52 · 18 answers · asked by sonia 3

Q. Why is dating like a game of cards?

A. Because if you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.

Q: How many country singers does it take to
replace a light bulb?

A: Two, one two put in the light bulb and another
to sing about how much he misses the old one.

What does two neurons do in a women head?

Nobody knows, the event has never occurred.

What is a woman's ashole doing when she is making love?

He is at home watching the kids.

Why are sportscars like hemorrhoids?

Most asholes get them sooner or later.


: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?

One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children.

2007-07-11 03:04:21 · 17 answers · asked by Conan 3

Three Feelings:

What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant

2007-07-11 02:57:30 · 7 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

Musical chairs was a bit boring but bloody hell, was pass the parcel fast!!!

2007-07-11 02:43:11 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making
her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas
station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can
with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just
been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be
back shortly.

Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to
carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking
to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled
it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her
from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know
that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts,
I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life.

2007-07-11 02:07:39 · 4 answers · asked by Ink Corporate 7

He contacts adam and asks him if he would like a companion to keep him company. Yes says adam. Okay says God but I will have to take one of your legs, one of your arms,one of your eyes and half of your brain. What can I have for a rib asked adam.?

2007-07-11 01:55:31 · 7 answers · asked by john j 1

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,

"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

2007-07-11 01:28:42 · 20 answers · asked by bernman101 6

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

2007-07-11 01:04:36 · 20 answers · asked by "!" 5

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

2007-07-11 00:53:40 · 16 answers · asked by "!" 5

Three men were discussing ageing at the nursing home.
Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old.
You always feel like you have to pee.
And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes
out!'

'Ah, that's nothin ',' said the 70-year-old.
When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore.
You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and
nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 80-year-old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing too?' asked the 60-year-old.

'No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00.
I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'

'Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?'

'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, 'Let me get this
straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So
what's so tough about being 80?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

2007-07-11 00:38:31 · 3 answers · asked by Conan 3

How far can a dog run into the woods before in is running out of the woods?

2007-07-11 00:25:15 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

NASA was preparing for another mission and wanted to send a woman into space. To find the right one, NASA officials interviewed a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

They called in the brunette and told her that she was one of the finalists to go into space. Then one of the officials asked her what planet she would like to visit and why. She thought about it and then said that she would like to go to Jupiter and study everything there becasue it was just so big. The officials said ok and that they would be getting in touch with her at a later date.

Next the NASA offcials called in the red head. They asked her the same thing as the brunette. The redhead then said that she wanted to go to Mars because she thought that with all the recent discoveries there, it would be worthwhile. The officials said ok and that they would get in touch with her at a later date.

Then they called in the blonde. The told her about the mission and asked her the same question as the other two.

2007-07-10 23:40:58 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

many companies where i live followed the trend of adding the "me" suffix to thier names for marketing, like: giordano-me, benetton-me, onyx-me...

now... we have a tele communication company called "du"... mmm i wonder what would happen if they decided to follow the same trend? any idea?

2007-07-10 23:38:49 · 11 answers · asked by basharho 6

They're both a substitute for meat!

2007-07-10 23:30:25 · 17 answers · asked by Lol's 4

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe
distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that little f***er on the phone now!”
Perplexed, his wife says, “Why on earth do you want to talk to the cat”?

Her Husband replies,

“ I'm lost and I need directions!"

2007-07-10 23:18:52 · 15 answers · asked by **Missy** 3

Go to this website
http://www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi

Type in your name and hit sloganise and tell me what your name comes up with. Mine is "Lets hope its Lacey, Its Lacey, lets hope its Lacey" The trick is to answer with the first slogan given. Its just funny what you get.... I will give best answer to the one that makes me lol.

2007-07-10 21:11:24 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-10 20:35:49 · 18 answers · asked by Harren 3

2007-07-10 20:10:17 · 13 answers · asked by Poetic Justice 1

2007-07-10 17:55:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-10 17:51:33 · 5 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

.....Coffee. Ground up and in the Freezer !!!

2007-07-10 17:40:12 · 28 answers · asked by 2BaD4u 4

...Finish it off...

2007-07-10 16:59:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

18 or lower means you're not stupid.
[ ] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking.
[ ] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were NOT talking.
[ ] You have ran into a glass/screen door.
[ ] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
[ ] You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you weird looks.

total=

[ ] You have ran into a tree.
[ ] It IS possible to lick your elbow
[ ] You just tried to lick your elbow.
[ ] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same rhythm.
[ ] You just tried to sing them.
[ ] You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.
[ ] You have choked on your own spit.
[ ] You have seen the the Matrix and still don't get it.
[ ]You didn't notice that in the last question "the" was spelled twice
[ ] You just looked at it.
[ ] Your hair is blonde/dirty blonde.
[ ] People have called you slow.

total so far:

grand total:

2007-07-10 16:58:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot

2007-07-10 16:51:32 · 5 answers · asked by angel 4

~Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
~If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, then why is there a song about him?
~Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
~I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
~If a vegetarian eats only vegetation, what does a humanitarian eat?
~Did Adam and Eve have navels?
~How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
~How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
~If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
~Why are there "interstates" in Hawaii?
~How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
~Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
~What hair color do they put on a bald man's drivers license?
~If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

2007-07-10 16:50:36 · 13 answers · asked by Onomatopoeia 4

A cow was walking down the street when he ran into his old community college buddy Horse. The cow went up to the horse to say hello. But when the cow said "hey", the horse said "Where?"

2007-07-10 16:46:58 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.oriosriddle.com/oriosriddle/level5/level5.htm, im stuck, check the source use the hints and 10 points to first answer that works, have fun.

2007-07-10 16:43:40 · 6 answers · asked by someon 3