Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

There are 5 family members there: a mother, father, daughter, son, and a cat, and they all are really excited because this is their chance to be a big act on Broadway or Vegas or whatever.
So they walk up to the talent agent's desk and the talent agent says "well what do you guys do?"
so the father says: "Why don't we just show you?"

What happens next?!

2007-07-10 16:37:20 · 8 answers · asked by BIG RED 3

Ok I am a big joker and would you please let me know if these are good? Be free to send some more!!!
Yo momma so fat she went to the doctor and he said 'I can't believe it's not butter!'
Yo momma so fat her blood type is O....REO
Yo momma so stupid this guy came up to he and asked for some crack, so she bent over pulled her pants down and said 'here'
Yo momma so fat her parents had to take her to Sea World to get baptized.

2007-07-10 16:15:59 · 9 answers · asked by bonitagirl1014 1

I think it original!
Why did the wog stay home from skool?




Coz he was fully sick!

2007-07-10 16:15:04 · 3 answers · asked by CoolCrab 2

a swim vegetable!!!!!! lol!!!! do u get it?funny or not?im trying here!

2007-07-10 16:07:51 · 8 answers · asked by darkness in the suburbs... 2

Maurice and Sadie were in a terrible accident in which Sadie's face was severely burned.

The doctor told Maurice that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin.

So Maurice offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his bottom.

Maurice and Sadie agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at Sadie's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beautiful skin!

One day, she was alone with Maurice and she was overcome with emotion at this sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling, " he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the pleasure I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

2007-07-10 15:56:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout 'Sh!t, missed'.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder; the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologized and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "Sh!t, missed." and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes. The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "Sh!t, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Sh!t, missed!"

2007-07-10 15:53:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

2007-07-10 15:50:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped.

The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.


The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a b!ow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and selects that room.


The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop now you've been relieved".

2007-07-10 15:47:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lingering, belaboring, beating a dead horse… it's never sounded so sweet!


Don't be surprised if you see me acting a little weird. I'm just a dude whose circumstances are beyond his control, you know? Thanks.


Eric Stoltz had that big ol' face, but Cher still loved him (and so did we).


An amusement enjoyed by butlers, squires, and pages alike. A fine fit for all man.


Overalls are never a good fashion choice. Be especially wary when they change colors.


Fear the wrath of the cod horn.


d**k Cheney, in some ways, is kind of like Darth Vader. That's not a political statement, so don't get offended.

2007-07-10 15:21:06 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

2007-07-10 15:11:27 · 9 answers · asked by abster_x0x 2

An older lady goes to the doctor for her regular checkup.
She sees the same doctor every time.
The doctor has her disrobe and sit on the table in the office.
While doing his checkup the doctor has the lady
spread her leggs. The doctor smiles and says "my Mrs Johnson you look sparkley today".
Not thinking much about it at the time she says thank you.

Later, on the way home she thinks about the comment and
starts getting upset. She works herself into a frenzy until
she can`t stand it anymore.
She calls her Daughther and explains in detail what the
doctor said to her.The Daughter trying to be compassionate
askes her Mom what she did before she went to the doctors
office. The Mother explains in detail about how she cleaned up and used some good smeling perfume she picked up at her daughters house. The Daughter pausing for a moment,
started laughing hysterically and said she wondered where
her daughters Glitter went that was in the medicine cabinet.

2007-07-10 14:54:20 · 3 answers · asked by Milk Man 4

This old couple is laying in bed, all of a sudden the husband cuts one. "What the hell was that?" the wife asks. He replies, "Touchdown, 7 points." The wife soon lets one go. "What in the world?" He asks. "Touchdown, Tie game." She replies. Not to be outdone he startes to build up a real good one, all of a sudden she hears this horrific sound. "What in the hell??" She asks. He replies, "Half time, switch sides."

2007-07-10 14:38:03 · 5 answers · asked by sr-71_blackbird 4

The teacher reaches up to erase something off the chalk board and one of the boy students lets out a giggle. She turns around, "And what is so funny?" The little boy replies, "Well, I just saw one of your garters." Infuriated and embarrassed, "Leave my classroom now and I don't won't to see you for 3 days!" She turns back around to the chalk board. Another student giggles. Again she ask what is so funny, this one saw her other garter. "Leave my classroom and I don't won't to see you for 3 weeks!" The teacher drops the eraser and as she bends over to pick it up little Johnny bust out laughing. The teacher stands up and turns around and notices little Johnny heading out the door. "And just where do you think you are going?" Little Johnny replies, "Well Mam, from what I Just saw I believe my school days are over."

2007-07-10 14:28:48 · 9 answers · asked by sr-71_blackbird 4

i was asking questions off the wall thinking i was getting five points till i realized the -5 i was loosing the five not getting it and to top it all off i just lost five again telling you that im stupid

2007-07-10 14:10:25 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour
day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful,
sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

2007-07-10 13:50:30 · 17 answers · asked by a m 4

how long? The guys says," a long time,I'm building a house.

2007-07-10 13:49:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I already beat the impossible quiz, but there were some questions that I did not understand the answer to. I was hoping someone could clear these up for me...
1. Save changes to "Untitled"? ---- Bran
2. Deal or no Deal? -------------------Seal
3. The one with the sign ------------- Arsefacy
4. How many holes in two polos? - Two
5. Sell your liver to... ----------------- Filthy Romanians

Plz someone help clear up the logic or stupidity behind these. For those of you who are wondering what the heck I am talking about, go to newgrounds and play the impossible quiz, by Splapp-me-do. Thanks!

2007-07-10 13:01:07 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

. . . . that if you visit Y!A often enough, you'll start seeing questions recycled?

I just saw 3 new questions on P&S that I swear I answered earlier in the week. Deja vu?

2007-07-10 12:30:02 · 4 answers · asked by CantGetThereFromHere 5

Guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About three hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically,
and the barber says, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"
Bill, tears in his eyes, looks up and says, "Your house!"

2007-07-10 12:27:09 · 17 answers · asked by trancelator25574 1

to get their stuff back.

2007-07-10 12:01:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anybody know?

2007-07-10 11:53:23 · 17 answers · asked by mogarth3 1

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the f***ing wall!'''

2007-07-10 11:52:34 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears.

When the Mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's
family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and
explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he
so
much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said
the
word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back
home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.


When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the Mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he
will
have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be ****-outta-luck if he
-needed glasses."

2007-07-10 11:25:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

2007-07-10 11:17:55 · 13 answers · asked by Onomatopoeia 4

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds." says the doc

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?"

"No, from the flipping skippin", the Irishman said.

2007-07-10 11:16:33 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to the vet carrying his favorite dog who's been killed by a lorry. The vet takes one look at the dog and says " sorry mate, your dog's dead"
The guy demands a second opinion. So the vet opens a small cage in the corner of the surgery and lifts out a ginger cat. He places the cat next to the dead dog, the cat walks up and down and sniffs the body, looks up at the vet and shakes its head. "See" says the vet, "even my cat thinks your dog is dead"
Fighting back the tears, the guy asks for one last opinion. The vet whistles nd in comes a Labrador dog. The labrador puts it's paws up on the table, sniffs the dead dog, looks up at the vet, shakes its head and gives a little wimper. The vet says "Sorry, even my faithful old labrador can tell your dog is dead"
The guy realises that there's no hope asks for the bill. He reads it and exclaims "850 pounds! 850 quid just to tell me my dog's dead! daylight robbery" the vet says i'm sorry sir but a cat scan and a lab report isnt chea

2007-07-10 10:45:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

(no offense to blondes) okay there wuz this blonde who wuz desperate to get money so she decided to kidnap a kid for ransom, so she randomly kidnapped a kid then said "i hav kidnapped u" then she wrote a note that sed "I have kidnapped ur son, and if u dn't give me 100,000 dollars then u will never see him again!" so she taped the note to the kid and told him to go home and show his parents, and that she will be waiting the next day at the park. so then the next day the boy came back w/ the money and a note from his parents saying " here is the money, may we have our son back now? sincerely, the blondes!

2007-07-10 10:45:22 · 7 answers · asked by alora95 2

A policeman finishes his shift one night and goes home to his wife. "You won't believe what happened tonight" he says, "in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it"

"What happened?" asks his wife.

"I spotted these two guys in the street" says the cop, "one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks"

"Oh my" says his wife, "so what did you do?"

"Oh that was easy. I charged one and let the other off"

2007-07-10 10:39:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ma says, " You don't have a birth certificate. How are you
gonna prove your age?"
"Now don't you worry, Ma," says Pa, and he leaves for town.
Old Pa returns home a few hours later and reports that he'll be getting
the first check in about three weeks.
"So, how'd ya prove your age?" asks Ma.
"Easy," says Pa, smiling. "I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed 'em all
the gray hairs on my chest."
"Well, while you were at it," scolds Ma, "why didn't you drop your pants
and apply for disability?"

2007-07-10 10:35:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A BRUNETTE!!!!!!!!

2007-07-10 10:26:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous