Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

A guy comes into a fancy dreess party with nothing on except for a jam jar on his privates. When the hostess sees him she's fit to faint but asks him what he's come as..He replies " A fireman, break glass, pull knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"!

2007-07-09 22:42:49 · 4 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

in walks a gay guy who eyes him up.after a few beers the gay guy says to him quietly, do you fancy a ********? the scouser picks up a bar stool and batters him to a pulp and kicks him out the door, barman says christ that was a bit brutal,what did he say to you? dunno says the scouser, something bout a job

2007-07-09 22:38:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill and Ben were having a pint together but Bill said it was 10.30 and he had to go home to his wife.Ben tried to get him to stay saying that he had a foolproof way of getting around his wife so that he could stay out later.He would go home knowing his wife would have gone to bed in a huff, tiptoe upstairs, creep into bed from the bottom and give his wife one long, lingering, wet kiss on her 'shhh you know where'. This never failed to get her mind off being angry with him said Ben.
Bill decided to try it.After a few more pints he went home, took off his shoes, tiptoed upstairs, crawled slowly up under the covers so as not to disturb her and gave her the longest , wettest 'ahem' kiss ever. He could hear her groans of delight.
Happy and confident he had succeeded he went into the bathroom to wash his face and saw his wife, sitting on the loo!!
"Bloody Hell...he shouted..."H-how, W-what the f....?"

"Shhhhh!" said his wife..."You'll wake your mother."

2007-07-09 22:30:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-09 21:39:16 · 16 answers · asked by Irfuu 1

2007-07-09 21:27:53 · 30 answers · asked by COOKIE MONSTER 1

My mom tells me she makes everything from scratch. Where is it?

2007-07-09 21:26:12 · 8 answers · asked by Princess Picalilly 4

2007-07-09 21:24:57 · 19 answers · asked by COOKIE MONSTER 1

Its a brain game question

2007-07-09 21:05:13 · 9 answers · asked by omosh 1

DEAR DIARY:
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

2007-07-09 21:04:07 · 9 answers · asked by angel 4

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
>appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to Enter
>a password.
>
>Something he will use to log on.
>
>The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
>the shock effect to bring this to his Wife's attention.
>
>So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it
>plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
>
>P...
>*...
>N..
>*...
>S...
>
>His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
>
>
>***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

2007-07-09 20:37:27 · 8 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

2007-07-09 20:15:00 · 9 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ......... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!
$21.19 for WATER
and the buyers don't even know the source.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap?
So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at................
you won't believe it...................
but it is true........................
$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

2007-07-09 19:57:19 · 3 answers · asked by sniffels323 5

I LAUGHED UNTIL I CRIED>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out loud!


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious, Dad . Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was
indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want
them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded
her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad !" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the
foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It
disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . . just . . excited," my wife
offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . .
that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny
little . . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad ," he
told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!!!

2007-07-09 17:58:35 · 11 answers · asked by texasgirl5454312 6

What's the difference between biology and sociology??
when the baby looks like his dad or mom,then it is biology.
when like neighbour it is sociology.

2007-07-09 17:48:43 · 4 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

2007-07-09 17:37:23 · 13 answers · asked by Elizabeth 3

2007-07-09 17:34:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"


Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

2007-07-09 17:30:21 · 10 answers · asked by PEGGY S 7

One dark night A cop flashes his lights at a guy in a pickup truck who is speeding. Instead of pulling over, the guy speeds up.
So the cop puts on the siren. And the guy speeds up.
Finally, the cop get son the speaker and orders him to pull over. So he complies.
The cop walks up tot the truck, handcuffs the guy, throws him in th backseat, searches the truck and finds nothing.
Pulling the guy out, He gives him a breathalyzer, and He ahsn't been drinking.
So He runs His license, name ,and social...and the guy is totally cean.
Finally the cop asks him "WHY did You run from me like that?"

The guy answers "My last girlfriend took off with a cop, and I thought you were trying to give Her back!"

2007-07-09 17:28:00 · 6 answers · asked by Capt Crasher 6

and He asks You "Have you been drinking? Your eyes look glazed."

Should You answer with "Have You been eating donuts? Your lips look glazed."

Or "No ossifer, but would You like a swig?" (and then offer him you flask)...

2007-07-09 17:21:39 · 10 answers · asked by Capt Crasher 6

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

2007-07-09 17:10:23 · 11 answers · asked by angel 4

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled".

2007-07-09 17:09:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, here put these on.

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

I can't wear your trousers, she said

Thats right, said the husband and don't you ever forget it. i'm the man who wears the pants in this family.

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, try these on.

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee caps.

Hell, he said, I can't get into your panties.

she replied, thats right.... and thats the way it will stay if your attitude doesn't change.

2007-07-09 16:58:40 · 11 answers · asked by kayla B 1

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went
downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes
and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I
went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired
person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He
finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about
20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the
car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said
"Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm
retired. It's important to my health.

2007-07-09 16:45:44 · 7 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

2007-07-09 16:39:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-07-09 16:24:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

and tell me the answer to that joke, pls...
if i laugh, i will pick you as the best answer...

2007-07-09 16:19:54 · 11 answers · asked by -unknown- 1

do you wish you had the gaul i sometimes do

2007-07-09 16:05:43 · 15 answers · asked by nendlin 6

My friend e-mailed this to me... I think it is an anagram but I can't figure it out. The puzzle is:

i aim gong too find out a flaw lily ok you flub of seven snow wolves rack tat team to the ninth witty hit dig a gym i own might ha teem sox ad rip ni

AWASH TAT EAR NAG HA MUG









Anyone have any ideas?

2007-07-09 15:57:05 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

the judge asks the woman why do you want a divorce and she says he only has sex with me once a year the judge ask the same question from the man he says i can only have sex once a year and she wants me to have it with her!

2007-07-09 15:49:33 · 9 answers · asked by zalltar_knows 2

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding
anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

2007-07-09 15:39:37 · 13 answers · asked by hey 4