Jokes & Riddles - July 2007

You wont let your wife go to the cinema because the laundry room failed inspection

You have a fence set up around your house that even Rambo wouldn’t want to mess with

Lights out is at 2200hrs every night

Your kids must perform 10 pushups before entering the dining room

Your wife’s favorite lipstick color is khaki

Your kids wear a beret when they go out and play

You cut the lawn in a pair of jungle boots

Your dogs name is Ranger

Your nicest set of clothes is your uniform

You think waking up at 7am is sleeping in

You’ve ever worn camouflage gear to a wedding

You refer to sex with your wife as being 'on maneuvers’

You spend your spare time polishing your boots

Your family thinks there’s nothing wrong when you disappear for a month

All your friends are in the army, too

2007-07-09 12:08:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) What do you enter once, then leave three times to get inside of it.
2)A fisherman once came back from fishing and told me this " What we caught we threw away, what we didn't catch we kept." The question is what did he catch?
3) Im hidden more than im seen and im lighter than what im made of.
4)I have a mouth but can not talk.I can run but can not walk.

2007-07-09 12:06:59 · 7 answers · asked by Cherrykins 2

2007-07-09 11:58:00 · 6 answers · asked by B@Nz 1

what is greater than god,
it is something a dead man eats,
can surpass time,
and can escape death.

2007-07-09 11:57:37 · 9 answers · asked by lonedesertfox 1

There I removed my email addy so you can say happy birthday without sending me a virus now. Happy 44th to me.....on the 10th July........

2007-07-09 11:26:22 · 25 answers · asked by debray 3

i need to know how to make my friend piss himself but not the sleeping and warm water trick or the scary maze trick. i need to get him back for all the pranks he's pulled on me. plz help

2007-07-09 11:24:22 · 8 answers · asked by !~!Metallica!~! 1

Today's reading is from the Book of Government Life, Chapter 1, verses 1-15.

1. In the beginning was the Plan.

2. And then came the Assumptions.

3. And the Assumptions were without form.

4. And the Plan was without Substance.

5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

6. And the Workers spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of s∙∙t and it stinks!"

7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a
crock of s∙∙t and we cannot live with the smell."

8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a
container of organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

11. And the directors went to the Secretary, saying unto him, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

12. And the Secretary went to the President, saying unto him,
"It has very powerful effects."

13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

14. And the Plan became Policy.

15. And that is how s∙∙t happens.

2007-07-09 11:24:11 · 13 answers · asked by pd6491 2

The top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.
The army general called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole, then let go with both hands and salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly the same as the Army and Navy men but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks and loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the major general and said: 'you’re out of your mind, sir.'
The marine commander turned to the others and said: ‘now that’s guts!'

2007-07-09 11:14:00 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

blind kids on a day trip. On the way home he needs to stop for a tacho break and pulls into the car park of a country pub. He tells the adult carer of the kids he has to take a break and he'll be a half hour. No problem says the carer, we'll have a game of football. The bus drive looks quizically at him until he pulls out of his bag a football with a bell in it. The driver goes for his break and the kids get started. About 20mins into his break a man runs into the pub shouting who's in charge of those blind kids outside?? Me says the driver, what's up they're only havin a game of football! I don't know about football but they're kickin the **** out of the morris dancers

2007-07-09 11:09:11 · 13 answers · asked by theunknownstuntman 4

2007-07-09 10:57:47 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

When he returned he found his watch, socks, note book had gone missing. He is the only person at this place.

10 point for first right answer.

2007-07-09 10:38:19 · 8 answers · asked by jobees 6

2007-07-09 10:37:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A country doctor is called out in the middle of the night to assist a backwoods family in the birth of their first child. Upon arrival he sees there is no electricity, so he asks the young father to get their oil lamp and hold it high so he can see. After about twenty minutes , he see the baby's head. He tells the father, "We have a boy" as the excited father lets the light drop slightly the doctor says "Whoa, wait a minute hold that light back up there now, I think we got another." Sure enough immediately comes a baby girl, the father looks dumbfounded and the doctor tells him to continue to hold the light. About two minutes later another baby girl is born, again the father is speechless, and is standing there scratching his head. As the doctor once again asks him to hold the light up, the father seems to know just what is going on. After the next son is born, and the doctor has delivered four babies, the father looks at the doctor and he says, "You reckon it's that there light that is attracting them?"

2007-07-09 10:34:53 · 15 answers · asked by pd6491 2

2007-07-09 10:25:57 · 11 answers · asked by sally 1

ties up husband and wife, kisses her ear then runs to bathroom. Husband tells wife..... "satisfy him or he will kill us, I saw the way he kissed you, just be strong I love you!!"

"He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear, he's gay and looking for vaseline...I told him it's in the bathroom!!..Let's see who's bloody strong now!!"

2007-07-09 10:20:25 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Most Gruesome Death

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

A) The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''

(more)

2007-07-09 09:59:38 · 14 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

A pregnant irish woman form Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Miss you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and name them."

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh no, not my brother.......he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, "Well what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," he answered

"Great, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

2007-07-09 09:56:00 · 31 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Two guys are leaving the office.

“I cant wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk through the door, im going to rip my wife’s panties off”

“Man, I know the feeling,” the other says. "Its been so busy at work lately, theres hardly been any time for that"

“No, im serious,” says the first guy, “they're killing me"

2007-07-09 09:34:45 · 36 answers · asked by thatsnotevenaquestion 4

Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did the night before. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there is something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??" he walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. again he thinks "what happened last night, what have i done ? must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door , walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "please if theres a god, please let this be a teabag".

2007-07-09 08:17:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde woman goes to the doctor and complains that her whole body is aching. She touches her knee and says: "Ouch! That hurt". She then touches her elbow which evokes yet another painful response. She then touches her ear and complains that it is sensitive too. The doctor then examines her and says: "Well, Madam, I am sure that will be the case - your finger is broken."

2007-07-09 07:57:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

This morning, I rear-ended a car at a light, I was not really paying attention. Anyway, the fella driving the other car got out of his car, and I realized that he was a dwarf.
>> He came storming up to my car window and he said, "I'm not happy."

So I said, " Well, which one are you then???"

2007-07-09 06:29:54 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bessie, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to remain silent.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pick-up truck parked in front of the town's only pub one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pick-up in front of Bessie's house-and left it there all night.

2007-07-09 05:40:07 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning.

And remember: Money talks....But Chocolate sings.

Average Vote: 9.1 | Votes: 24 10987654321

2007-07-09 05:37:48 · 29 answers · asked by "!" 5

1. MONICA LEWINSKI

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON



WHY, YOU ASK?


1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND....... .

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.

2007-07-09 05:34:51 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok which is wrong?..

AAA______AAA
BBB______BBB
CCC______CCC
DDD______DDD
EEE______EEE
FFF______FFF
GGG______GGG
HHH______HHH
l l l______I I I
JJJ______JJJ
KKK______KKK
LLL______LLL
MMM______MMM
NNN______NNN
OOO______OOO
PPP______PPP
QQQ______QQQ
RRR______RRR
SSS ______SSS
TTT ______TTT
UUU ______UUU
VVV ______VVV
WWW ______WWW
XXX ______XXX
YYY ______YYY
ZZZ ______ZZZ

OK, i promis, there is SOMETHING wrong in this. What is it? hehe

2007-07-09 05:17:45 · 15 answers · asked by Lacadema (Role-player) 4

Two morons were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The one with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch his breath, and the other said, anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

2007-07-09 05:03:24 · 22 answers · asked by "!" 5

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
so they can find their way back to the house

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
One, men will screw anything

What has eight arms and an iq of 60?
four men watching the footie

strolling along the beach, a man found a magic lamp and rubbed it vigorously. as he hoped, a genie emerged and immediately granted him one wish.
the man said, 'l want to be hard all the time and get all the *** l want
and POOF, he turned into a toilet seat

Why cant men get mad cow desease?
because they're all pigs

How are men like noodles?
they're always in hot water,they lack taste and they need dough

A man parked his car in the supermarket car-park and was walking past an empty trolley when he heard a woman ask. excuse me, did you want that trolley?
no re replied, lm only after one thing
huh she muttered ,'typical man.'

What's the one thing that keeps men out of collage?
High school

2007-07-09 04:49:34 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

im not racist, but heres a mexican joke......


a white guy, a black guy, and a mexican are all stuck in hell. The devil tells them that who ever comes up with the best answer will be allowed to go to heaven.
So the devil says: "use the words yellow, green and pink in a sentence."
The white guy says " yellow, green and pink are my favorite colors"
the devil says thats no good and burns him in flames.
So then the black guy says " I hate yellow, green and pink"
the devil says its not original and burns him in flames.
Finally the mexican goes up and says
"When i hear the yellow phone go green green i pink it up and say yellow?"
guess who went to heaven!?!?!?!?

2007-07-09 04:31:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday"

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame..what a disappointment. " The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday
was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

2007-07-09 04:30:36 · 17 answers · asked by ♥ Adri ♥ 3

Hello everyone, was sorting out my files on the computer and found something rather funny,
star it if you like ;-)

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

2007-07-09 04:18:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous